"that's what shattered my heart to bits..." the dears

"It's June... and you know what that means...."
looking straight into the camera and Paul looking back with eye pinched shut and hands steering the lense to focus on me.
"Daddy is GONE!" I'm so high... I'm so fucking high that I wonder if the producer is going to cut the cameras. I think they're going to let me go today.... Just let me do my thing.
A saucy spin around and I'm moving to the sound of music I can only hear. Doo doo doo... grab a spatula... doo doo doo... time to whisk batter around in a silver dish. I was making chili and pigs in a blanket. All of them way too hot, all of them totally off the pre-ordained menu Felix left me before vacation.
Lick lick a few fingers. Wow that's hot chili. The camera crew's going to be pissing through the eye of a needle after this tonight.
"daddy is gone so we're going to make everything that's fattening and horrible." I looked up and the producer was shaking her head. Ok. Ok. Reel it in.
I went back to the plan and fussed over the ingrediants. Simple chili and then deluxe white trash pigs in a blanket. Only I called them Pugs in the Rug twice for some reason. Gabby was holding her clipboard out trying to figure out if she should cut and was whispering into her headset. Camera one was cracking up and giving me the thumbs up. That's all I need.
I was tripping over my words but still making a go of it. Why aren't they stopping me? Why is the wisk looking floppy in my hand? I'm tripping... shit...
"The key here is to make sure you're dumping in the spices as you're frying the onions... it's just going to be better all round, you dig? Gabby... GABBY! Come here and try this!"
She clopped into the scene to lean over my tasting spoon. "Oh... Oh! This is good!"
"You sound SO suprised..."
"I mean.. it's good, but I didn't think it was going to be that good."
It's true. Felix was the actual cook and I was the filler. Left on his own he froze infront of the camera and looked handsome but stilted. Most shows we did together spiralled out of control into us fighting and screaming at each other for issues better left outside the show, but apparently that's why people watched. I couldn't be bothered to worry if ratings tanked when it was just me doing the show, hence dropping a little e an hour before I told them to turn the cameras on.
How awesome is it to open the door and work comes to you? Felix and I had a joint apartment downtown that we had foolishly bought after we got married. er, "married" 5... 6... 7? Seven years ago. Our previous public access studio was shutting down and taking the lovely kitchen with it, leaving us in the lurch. Felix didn't want to turn back to his father's restaurant to cook and I didn't want to go back to my dreadful secretary job licking envelopes and booking catering. Pooling money together we bought into a new block of lofts in an old shoe factory. Right. Down. The. Middle. Against all better judgement we took the plunge to live together has the right proper gay odd couple. After a few years of my recidivist drug dealing and him with his untreated depression we realized that hey, maybe we shouldn't date. But we were shackled to the loft. we couldn't sell as we were adamant that we'd get the place to ourselves... It unravelled into I Love Lucy where we designated portions of the apartment to decorate... Parties with people on opposite sides of the loft... christmas cards mailed to the other one... Me fucking a string of property lawyers and leaving their business cards all over the place... We had settled into a silent standoff waiting for the other one to try and buy out the other, but so far we were rooted to the same spot.
Felix was on holidays with his newest boyfriend Rob who was a law student. Oh just a few more years and you can keep him on retainer! I ran with the big dogs and loved to tote around older gentlemen who would rip any contract to shreds in my favour. But there's no need to posture now. I was rambling about a the first time I got Felix to wax his lower back and camera two was locking it in place to go have a coughing fit induced from laughter.
"So he asked me if it was going to hurt and I was all like," Sizzle of meat hitting the pan. "Sure baby, it's not bad at all... Well ANYWAYS, let's get back to the chili... GABBY! COME TRY IT NOW!!" Felix is going to fucking kill me when he sees this next week...