"newbie! only when spoken to!!"

"Hey... HEY! I can see your eyes moving. You're awake. Get the fuck out of my chair. Oh fuck you cat..." I scooped a hand under warm kitten butt and proceeded to stoop and swoop his marmalade ass out of my chair. He obliged on the second jostle and scoop attempt and left me a gauzy mat of fur where he had ground it into the fabric.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaagh!!"
"What?"
"This! THIS!" I swept down to pick Shir up and hold him like a dangling lardball.
"I can't take the fur and the looks and he sits in my chair when I SPECIFICALLY tell him no." I raised my voice and yelled into the back of his head. His ears flipped down and I could hear a terse little piggy inhale.
"It's your fucking cat what's the issue?"
"You know I wanted a dog instead. He's just fucking with me. Did I tell you he tried to kill me last week?? Don't walk away from me!"
Too late he was up the stairs and I was left with a tubby stuffed animal.
"Mrow?"
"Okay fuck you. You win. I'm watching you...."