make up is my drag

i love how i'm less of a butch for being a fag and liking make up. life sucks.


my colour selections as of late... none of which i wear daily, but fuck they look nice.


sans make up. hurrah for german and scotish genetics leaving me with a red face all the time...

tom waits on a sunday evening

CLAP HANDS - Tom Waits from the album "Rain Dogs"

Sane, sane, they're all insane,
fireman's blind, the conductor is lame
A Cincinnati jacket and a sad-luck dame
Hanging out the window with a bottle full of rain
Clap hands, clap hands, clap hands, clap hands

Said roar, roar, the thunder and the roar
Son of a bitch is never coming back here no more
The moon in the window and a bird on the pole
We can always find a millionaire to shovel all the coal
Clap hands, clap hands, clap hands, clap hands

Said steam, steam, a hundred bad dreams
Going up to Harlem with a pistol in his jeans
A fifty-dollar bill inside a palladin's hat
And nobody's sure where Mr. Knickerbocker's at

Roar, roar, the thunder and the roar
Son of a bitch is never coming back here no more
Moon in the window and a bird on the pole
Can always find a millionaire to shovel all the coal
Clap hands, clap hands, clap hands, clap hands

I said steam, steam, a hundred bad dreams
Going up to Harlem with a pistol in his jeans
A fifty-dollar bill inside a palladin's hat
And nobody's sure where Mr. Knickerbocker's at

Shine, shine, a Roosevelt dime
All the way to Baltimore and running out of time
Salvation Army seemed to wind up in the hole
They all went to heaven in a little row boat
Clap hands, clap hands, clap hands, clap hands
Clap hands, clap hands, clap hands, clap hands
Clap hands, clap hands, clap hands, clap hands

blargh.... stupid summer cold

meow?

i had convinced Anthony to endure a schvitz with me. he sulked with a towel over his head as i leered at a guy who was getting up and conveniently let his towel fall off.
"Mmhmm... God damn I knew a schvitz would do us good."
"It's a sauna... stop calling it a schmit."
"SCHVITZ. If I wanted a fucking sauna, we'd be at the motherfucking YMCA."
"It's hot, it's steamy, we're in towels, it's a sauna."
"Gentile..."
"Sorry," he flipped the edge of the towel up to make eye contact. "I didn't catch that."
"You heard me."
"This isn't as relaxing when you're talking the whole time."
"It's not relaxing because you keep cock-blocking me every time i try to cruise someone!"
"And that's another thing, I can't believe you took me to a gay sauna!"
"I told you the options for prices... You opted for the cheapest one and here we are! Cleanest sheets this side of the south side."
"No talking. I'm going to steam here with this towel over my face and that's final."

Silently we sat. I adjusted my ass on the wooden slats of the bench and wondered if someone else would come in. reaching for a jar I ground sea salt into my shoulders. The crunching sound mixed in with my pleasured murmurs turned Anthony on a little. Either that or he wanted to make sure I still had my towel on.
"Can I have that when you're done?"
"Oh sure.... Good for the aching joints although I don't know if it'll help you stop being a lame old horse."
"Fucking... give them to me!" His fingers wiggled impatiently for me to pass it over.
"You're my little hijab-wearing buddy aren't you?"
"Salt me, now."
Plunking the jar down into the palm of his hand he worked out a palmful and scoured it into his chest.
I sighed and finally settled down to relax a little. I was wound up tight and i hoped the steam would ground me a little in reality. Nothing but my throbbing thoughts and thick lines of sweat rolling off me. I swear it smelled a little like pine as the thc oozed out of any available pore.
quiet now. see? i can shut up sometimes...
the steam didn't let up and i felt a sense of peace. if i sat still long enough i could fool myself into thinking that i was in a sweat lodge. if only for a minute.... if only there was a little bit of fresh cut cedar to inhale.
"So... Who called last night?"
"Why?"
"It looked like a Seattle area code."
"Looked like or you researched it to find out?"
"The latter."
"Yeah it was a Seattle number."
"You're not talking to Roy are you?"
"No and fuck off you nosey old thing."
"It's just... why would you talk to someone who beat you up?"
"Na-na-na-na no. Roy never beat me. You're thinking of Roger."
"Oh."
"Roy was the one I was going to move in with."
"Oh... I... Oh."
"Asshole."
"I deserve that."
"Ruin my schvitz..."
"I'm sorry! I thought that was the one who beat you up."
"Concern duly noted."
"Well... Shit. Why were you calling Roy anyway?"
"Don't turn this back on me, boy!"
"Seriously! I want to know. You'll tell me anyway."
fuck him for knowing i can't stop blabbering everything to him in the end
"He wanted to make sure I got home ok."
"He knew that you were in Halifax this week?"
"See, it's about Halifax..."
The towel lifted and his beady dark eyes fixed on me leaning to the side and biting my lip. "I didn't go to Halifax last week for business..."
"You... what?!"
"I went to Seattle for Roy's wedding."
No words, just aghast.
"How the hell could you afford the plane ticket?! the hotel room!"
"Air miles."
"Air miles. You don't even have air miles!"
"Ya, but you have them."
"Sorry, WHAT?"
"Remember when you pranked me into thinking that a publishing company wanted to put out my anthology of photographs? And I said I would destroy you and get you back any way I could? Well it's not really MY fucking problem that your password is the FUCKING CAT'S name! Really. I've warned you to change it so it's not so obvious." cue image of anthony's computer desk surrounded by dozens of pictures of Shiraz
"oh... oh.... I had been saving those for so long..."
"Cheer up, a few more years and you'll be right back where you started and hopefully you won't have pissed me off by then."
"Oh... damn it..."
"So Inspector Clouseau, the reason a Seattle area code was on the call display was from my lovely hosts checking to make sure i got home ok. I brought you back a tshirt if that sweetens the situation."
He looked perturbed. But nothing excessive, he knew payback had to happen over the publishing deal fiasco. fuck, i called my AUNTS to tell them...
"If you want to have a fight right now I'm sure someone'd come in and jerk off watching."
"no thanks... I can't believe you used all my points..."
"Believe it. If you'd start showing the goods on a web cam I swear you'd be able to quit your job. We'd have to wax though... you know... everything."
"Shut up. I'll leave you here."
"OH NO! You might have to leave me in a gay bathhouse!"
"BATHHOUSE! That's fucking it... We're out of here."
"sit, sit. Another 20 minutes so we get the full relaxation benefits."
ah, damn, this was a great idea.

yet another bout of drum and bass on a saturday evening

it hits a nerve b/c i'm the northern version of Appalachian white trash...

twaddle

wait does anyone read this?

of course not. all i post are pictures and toothpastefordinner.com or nataliedee.com comics. still pretty rad considering what you could be looking at... so i'm saying kitty pictures trump the intraweb?! oy.

thanks for the cheese....

all you need in your medicine cabinet...

1 2 4

marriedtothesea.com

dub-music-and-bubble-gum-kind of sunday afternoon....

oh my god, that's it. all this time i've been trying to better myself for nothing. this whole time i haven't realized that i'm just a bad person! i deserve this! why have i been fighting it?
I was trapped at a table looking back at my ex and his new boy. my lip pinched under the pressure from my eye tooth. shit i should just rip a piece off and spew enough blood until they get up and leave. deep breath in and throw my gaze around the restaurant. nothing to save me from this. i'm too agreeable. i'd say it's one of my greatest character flaws.
i was hiding at a sushi bar downtown. now i know i always rant that i have run-ins in sushi joints, but it's always at the same one. i thought i would play it safe and go to the hardcore korean joint down in the ass-end of downtown. so hardcore in fact, i had to research the menu online a head of time to make sure i was ordering the right thing. research aside i had a fierce craving for raw fish and a can of Coke. plus this sushi joint had a wifi connection advertised so i could just hide away in a corner and stuff my face over blog entries. i had jammed a velvety square of white tuna in my mouth when i saw The Ex walking past the window. no. no way.... of all the fucking... he was too autistic to want to try new things... the New Boy pulled on his arm and ignored his ugly pouting face.
I tried to look distracted... the old, i didn't see ya sitting there! routine. The New Boy made me and loudly asked The Ex if he knew that "guy sitting alone over in the corner..."
Of course I have a scratchy head of unwashed hair jammed underneath one of The Ex's old hats. And of course, i have to be in one of his old sweaters... all rolled up in comfort... and also i didn't have anything else that was clean and/or socially acceptable to go outside in.
sipping at some green tea i quickly reached up to wipe at a trail that escaped from the corner of my mouth. lip stitched up after Anthony clocked me in the face with a pint glass in the middle of an animated story. it was crusty looking and further added to my troll-like appearance. you couldn't have even taken the 10 minutes to shave... you look like a homeless fag with a stolen laptop. i looked tired and you could read my eyes as they clearly screamed DON'T FUCKING COME SIT WITH ME... DON'T DO IT... DON'T DO IT...
The Ex waved gingerly and i waved back. The New Boy pushed through the crowded dining room to come over to me. I'm sure i looked suspect in an old police academy cadet sweater with BEAM stitched on the sleeve since it wasn't my last name... What a mind fuck. Him looking at the past... the old boyfriend who was no doubt the root cause of all The Ex's idiotic behaviour. I'm used to being a bad influence... but i could feel a little bit more confident sitting there knowing little boy buffed was a dud in bed. I leaned back and sized him up like an old letch.
"And you... are?"
"James. We've met."
"Right! Well fancy meeting you two here."
The Ex hung back. Smart enough to know i didn't want any company but still wanting to be in arms reach in case the baby tried to get in my face. he did have a penchant for thick and mouthy...
"He REFUSES to try anywhere new. It took me an hour to convince him."
"Well good for you... Using your words to get through to him, that's something I never thought of."
come on slut, leave me be. i don't need to deal with children tonight.
my BlackBerry whirred on the table covered in empty sushi dishes and bits of sashimi i hadn't stuffed in my mouth... a cell, two empty cans of coke and a $4000 laptop that I got at a reduced rate from work. The Ex eyeballed it similarly to how I stared at his current boyfriend.
"Look... I'm trying to, ah, multitask some work here. I should let you two..."
"There's no table for two left... look, they're seating people with other tables that have spare chairs. Let's sit with you."
Before I could whip a cup of hot tea in his crotch he was already seating himself. He stared me down hard. He knew what he was doing and he was going to make me pay dearly for being sloppy seconds after someone like me.
The Ex looked stunned and legitimately sorry as he sat across from me. A waitress came to pick up another sheet of orders for me and I hurriedly added some more on for them to join me.
I didn't have much to say. I finished up a paragraph on my laptop before I snapped it shut. I lovingly combed through my BlackBerry emails silently, even though they were all stupid spam... i didn't want to give that snotty cunt the impression i was going to try and impress him all night because i didn't have the guts to say no when he sat down. rolling through emails i reached out with my left hand to gather up my chopsticks and spear some fish to throw into my mouth. i enjoyed the delicious taste and holstered my BlackBerry to look up.
"Kid, you were the one that wanted to sit here... got anything interesting to talk about?"
"How about what happened to your face?"
"knife fight."
"Oh really?"
"Yeahuh. Knife fight. A pimp tried to rob me after i fucked this guy for money... blahdeeblah... You wouldn't want to know what happens in my daily life as a thief, drug addict and sex maniac."
The Ex leaned back and looked exasperated already. The New Boy just took it in stride and leaned forward. "No, really, what happened?"
"My common-law husband was drunk and in the middle of a fun-filled story about being at the gym and threw his hands back in a dramatic gesture. My face happened to be in the direct path of this gesture and he smacked a pint glass and his fraternity ring right here. Pssashhh! Man, it just blew the fuck up when it hit my face."
The boy sat back and shook his head. "I was just ASKING."
"what?! That's actually what happened!"
"I KNOW you're not married."
"It's not being married jackass, it's common law. We're married by default since we've been living together for so long." The boy looked to his man and got confirmation.
"Oh. You usually spin some line of bullshit when we're talking so you have to forgive me if i seem pessimistic."
I leaned back, letting my shoulders pull and really show off the battered sweater I had claimed from The Ex.
Here comes the food. I picked up some sweet shrimp and sucked it out of the shell.
this is painful....
The New Boy worked on a bit of salmon and put half of it down to address me. "We're going to Europe in the fall. Isn't that exciting?"
"Oh, loads. I'll have to get over there sometime."
"We get to go through work... It's an opportunity to see how different police forces work in the EU."
I love it. i fucking love it.
I spent a year with The Ex propping him up while he wasn't working... begging for a night out... something to reward me for being a therapist and trust fund all in one. do you ever feel like you're grooming your partner for greatness after you? that all your work to help them is only going to benefit the next ass they're pounding? why the fuck would i want The Ex to be open to try new things with me, when he can just hold out and do all that with the New Boy? I don't want to change anyone i'm dating, i'd just like to be eligible to reap the rewards of his new-found maturity instead of getting a news bulletin about it after... Breaking News: Your Ex Is Interesting Now That He's Not With You... And he also has money. More at 11.
The stitches felt dry and i wanted to lick at them. Thanks repetitive anxiety for making me fixate on this sort of stupid shit.....

my ari moment of zen

is it that i think he's hot or that i just really would like to have him for a dress up ken doll on speed?
i'll think about it.