Thursday, September 28, 2006

crafty yo - sept 28 2006

not really. it's just wrappers taped onto an altoids tin. the top is a label from these muscle patches i got from an accupuncturist...

...and the back is part of the label with a japanese gum label... the wrapper is from a pack of gum that's popular in japan... [insert tom waits song here] most of the labels in the pack are in japanes but then it comes with one label that exclaims, "YES! Chewing!"
[edit: jesus! i almost forgot the best part... the patches come with a warning that i cut and taped onto the picture. NOT RECOMENDED FOR THE PREGNANTS. awesome.]

Saturday, September 23, 2006

i [heart] jim from 'the office'

.......although i have no issue with tim from the british version of the show.
what the fuck did i do to the font?

this is a close up of my old stash tin... it's all poop-ded up from sitting on my table in the basement and progressively getting slathered in pot and resin. still, it's my favourite one


the back of the 'black black' tin... featuring japanese gum wrappers from a flavour that has caffine in it. i ate a bunch at once and it made me feel funny.

Friday, September 22, 2006

fiction - sept 22 2006

"huh. that's a riddle right there, man."
the room was silently rapt in logical thinking... all probably at varying speeds, but we were thinking about it deeply.
"It" being sleeping arrangements. This was like that fox and chicken and island and whatever bullshit variable riddle.
There was one too many people crashing at the apartment. That was a teensy bit of a mix up on my part based on my numeric dyslexia. at least i'm going to use that as an excuse for over counting the number of available sleeping spaces for people. you know, before inviting them all along to slum on couches instead of booking a hotel in advance? right.
One lesbian and partner. One gay man, a very picture of blase co-ed sleeping, but admittedly was sweating things out on this one based on appearance more than personal comfort. One straight boy sans girlfriend. the girlfriend who's also sister of zee dyke. One straight girl who is friend with the sans girlfriend.
Three couches. One bed. Five stoned people.
"And I'm too fucking crippled from pins in my leg to do any stint on the fucking floor. I put my time in. Enough said." I tried not to sound like an old fuck, but I was going to try and hold out for as long as possible on being the douche sleeping on the floor.
"Betty, you share the bed with Ivan."
"Ew."
Exasperated I threw my hands up and waved around an emmory board. "Oh jesus! Come on it's straight forward. It's your sisters boyfriend and you're scared of penises!"
Betty flicked out her hand to ping a box of cigarettes off of me. We turned and adjusted ourselves. A nice laugh at Betty's expense. Too much time stuck in a stoned lump trying to burn up our brains with a stupid sleeping arrangement. Well, why don't I just offer to share the bed? Because Alice will gut you, ass. At least Ivan was having a good laugh with it.
"I'm sure you're just dying to take one for the team on this one Nate."
"Alice didn't talk to me for a week when I waxed Ivan's eyebrows, so I'm going to decline."
"I think it was more the fact that you didn't have your shirts on..."
"I DIDN'T WANT TO GET WAX ON OUR SHIRTS! I've made this very clear!" Bullshit.
"But, you did a good job with the waxing."
"Thank you, Ivan. Some people appreciate my work." I dragged my middle finger through the gap in my eyebrows and stared hard at Betty. Oh yeah bitch, I'm pointing at your monkey brows. Her girlfriend clamped a hand down over her mouth to stem the beer coming back up.
Anne was sprawled out on the floor looking up at the ceiling.. gagging and laughing while trying to inhale on a dead joint.
"Yo, homeslice. Your joint has expired. Hold it up."
A hand popped up beside me on the couch and i gently flammed on the joint. it went down again and i could see that it was back to life. "This is really going to help us come to a decision, is it?"
No response from Anne. Only smoke signals to indicate life below.
"Well..."
"Don't say it Betty."
Betty leaned forward to look down on Anne. "Why don't yoooooooooooou share the bed, Anne?"
Ivan shook his head. "Nuh uh."
"Nuh UH is right! We know this isn't an option." Anne shook her head and took a drag. I snapped my fingers to get it passed to me and paused filing Ivan's nails. He looked down at them and marveled at what everyone should know: short, groomed nails are always good looking and they look better when someone else does them for you. A few deep drags and I passed it on to Ivan.
I fluttered my eyes to the ceiling to feign whistful memories flooding back. "Oh. It was phenomenal to see it. It was, stunning. Just stunning to see."
Anne sighed. "Yes I'm very sure I remember it, thanks."
Betty was looking off and nodding. "Yeah, I mean, she cleared the length of the couch and still landed on you like a cat. BAM!"
Anne cringed. She had passed out on the same couch as Ivan a few years back and Alice went a little.... nuts. In her defence, she was PRETTY tweaked out from doing a 7 day stretch of 12 hour shifts. That and all the lines of ritalin we had done after she got off work. I was standing across the room where I could clearly see the kids passed out on opposite ends of the couch. we had propped them up there to get them out of the way in the main area of the party and also so I could keep and eye to make sure no one choked on their own barf. Ohhh no, I'm not going through that again. Where was I?. Right. Party. Alice. Flip out. So, Betty and I were chatting about the shitty calibre of music when it was just this arching Alice in the air with only a scream when she was directly on Anne trying to knock her face off.
Hoo boy. Drugs or not, we were dealing with a comfortably reactive person here. With due cause we've all put poor baby Ivan into awkward situations without really meaning to.
"Me on this Couch. Betty on that one... Jo on the other one... Ivan in your bed and Anne in the bathtub?"
"Fuck you Betty. You sleep in the fucking tub."
"Maybe if you CLEANED it once in a while it wouldn't be a problem."
"Ooo, okay mother! I'll go clean it right now. Pass that back!"
"Here, here. Smoke it and calm down."
"Let me sleep on the floor! It's fine!" Ivan waved his hands as though we had never thought of this solution and we needed to listen up.
Did I mention that Ivan had been a mere two months out of knee surgery? Shit, that would have helped things. Well, he wasn't in any shape to try and test out ligament surgery results on a cold, hard floor. I whipped back the cigarette box as Betty piped up to agree with Ivan's decision. Bomp!
Enough! I can't stand this! it's killing my buzz! "FINE! I will sleep on the floor!"
"Phhfft! What about your leg Mr. Ed. You know what we do with horses with lame legs right?"
"I will do the floor tonight... But I will suffocate you in your sleep if you snore for one second."
"Don't smother her!" Betty's girlfriend was the only person in the room who seemed distressed by this threat.
"You stay out of this blondie."
"Oh, I brought my snore strips for my nose don't worry my darling Nate."
"How kind..."
Ivan looked down. "Aw, I'm sorry!"
Anne sat up. "Ivan, shush. You take my bed..."
I waited...
"I'll sleep on the couch and so will Betty and Jo and Nate will sleep on the floor."
Why are you such a schmuck for always agreeing to get shafted? Maybe I just get bored with logical thinking after a while...
"Agreed. Now, can we take a vote on smoking the last of the hash before bed. All in favour?"
"Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..."
"All opposed?"
Silence.
"Done. pass me the blow torch please."

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

fiction - wedding reception

"well, we're late. i hope you're happy. now we're only going to get another 15 minutes before they close the open bar."
"HEY! You know what?! You're fucking LUCKY that I filled in for this shit-show as a favour so let's not loose sight of the facts."
Deflated I made a direct path to the bar and tried to hustle up some caesars and shots of whiskey. Josie loomed behind me looking ticked off, hardly looking at me as she reached over my shoulder to get the shot glass.
"Whata shit-show... We're here for dinner and then we're OUT."
I was too wound up to try to soothe her and burried my face into the chill of the caesar. slow down, you're old and you'll get heartburn.
i almost lost it. almost. i heaved forward and caught it before it got out. i'm not loosing it before getting more free drinks into me.
"Give me two more whiskeys before the bar closes please."
The bartender slapped them out and I chucked them back before Josie could grab them. I took in a deep breath and straightened up. The general din of a full restaurant was dulled down by panes of glass. I could see everyone in there in fuzzy lines... I could hear the bride trying to yell at her grandmother who was too deaf to make things out over the din of the room.
I pulled open the door and avoided eye contact with anyone. no more than 100 people, but the dining area was packed. every seat looked taken. what the fuck?
"Hey, can I help you find your seat?"
"Uh, yeah. it doesn't look like there's anything left."
"Oh..." The waiter looked embarassed. "You must be around the other side."
"Other... side?" We trotted after him as he strode away from the bride and groom and around a corner obscured with a flowing plant. We took a turn for the obscure so it seemed as there was 3 more tables of people tucked around the bend. I looked over my shoulder and saw that we could spy the main table if you stood up and leaned right to avoid the plant.
"What the hell is this?! Are we at the fucking kids table?"
The island of misfit wedding guests. Oh my god, we're in the remedial section.
The waiter turned heel before we could protest and 4 people turned to look at us. Josie was nipping sharply on her nails in a clicky-clack pattern abd I could tell she was just raging.
Courage. Oh god...
My first instinct was to turn around and leave to get chinese food, eat alone in my boxer shorts and maybe have a little cry with some wine n' perkaset. one step forward. There was two seats left. in what was essentially the furthest corner of the restaurant. The end seat was undoubtedly reserved for me.
Josie strode over to the table and picked up the place cards.
"Oh yeah... we're right here. Fucking lovely."
Our dinner partners seemed to be aware of the lowly stature of our table too. A cutesy butch woman sighed. "Welcome to the leper colony. Did you fuck the bride or groom?"
"Bride."
"Oh... yeah?"
"It was university, I went through a straight-curious phase." I went to sit down. Thank god I took that valium before I left the house today or I would have just lost it by now.
The woman smiled again. I was too well trained by my mother to put on the game face instead of letting it leak that I was upset.
"Hey... I'm Nate, this is Josie."
"I'm Meg and this is Frank."
Frank turned away from an animated conversation with his neighbour to adress us.
"Hi! Hannah said something that you're roomates with Anthony Luk?"
"Yeah he was supposed to come with me but had to cancel at the last min.."
"Oh MY god. I dated his sister for EVER. What's Anthony doing now? What's Sarah doing? Have you met Sarah? She was such a cool chick."
Fantastic. Blabbermouth. Thanks for bailing on this Anthony.
"Sarah's good... she's in school out west and... "
"What?! I never thought she'd go back! Good for her... So... You're Nate?"
"I feel as though there's some looming preconception of who I am..."
"Hannah told me about you after you two, you know, broke things off."
Josie scoffed and thumbed out a text message on her phone.
"That's a really nice way of putting it."
"Oh you're telling me? Hannah has a way of leaving a lot of people in her wake."
Meg raised a glass of water. "To the bride traumatizing men!"
I was feeling the flush of the drinks I chucked back. "To Hannah!"
Even Josie cracked a wee grin and we settled back into distracted silence.
Dinner started to roll out. Oh hot damn! they skipped any speeches speeches and went directly to feeding our faces.
"Red or white?"
I had a mouthful of bread when a skinny little waitress came up to the table. In one hand a huge bottle of red and the other white. Both Australian and terribly expensive.
"It's free wine during dinner!"
"We'll take both thanks."
"Come on you have to let me pour them at least."
Meg flickered a clean $50 in between her fingers. "I have $50 here that says leave the bottle here all night and keep them coming. We all promise not to ask for any stupid shit. Right?"
A collective agreement and she put the bottles down on the table.
"Deal... enjoy!"
We turned to the actual meal. What a delight to drop soft pieces of steak into my mouth and pool mouthfuls of sharp red wine in with it.
Meg turned to me and set down her fork. She leaned on one elbow still gripping her steak knife.
"This wedding is a trip... All the family members are so churchy and oblivious. I've never been called sir so many times in my life."
Her wedding date was chomping on some salad and said, "It's because you didn't wax your moustache."
"Hey, back off history boy. It makes me look dignified." She stroked the invisible moustache and flicked a finger at me. "You know what I'm talking about."
I was feeling a bit better and better. Everyone was so helpful and kept filling up my glass for me as soon as it verged on empty.
Josie was deep in conversation with two girls at the end of the table and was letting her dinner go cold trying to chat them up and enthrall them with her tales of money making on stocks. I stabbed a fork into a few of his baby potatos and stuff them into my mouth. they would be engulfed in the deep pool of wine in my gut soon enough.
Eventually Josie stood up to scooch her chair over to hold court with them and I was left to focus on Meg and Frank who bickered terribly but clearly were dear dear friends. that sort of one-liner action that you can only develop through years of knowing each other.
"So where did you two meet?"
"We go to U of T together... I lost a bet so I had to be Frank's wedding date."
Frank grinned with a mouthful of food. "She said I couldn't eat an entire pull off two composition pieces in two nights. Suckah!"
"Music eh?"
"Yeah yeah... I'm in vocal and Frank's in composition. I swear he's sleeping with the fucking professor to have passed..."
"Please! I'm not some unstoppable fucking machine!"
"DID YOU SLEEP WITH THAT PROFESSOR?"
"Well not until the summer term..."
"Jesus! God how I hate you..."
"Vocal? That's a pretty small program at the school..."
"I know... even more horrifying that they took ME as a student."
"I totally think they let you in thinking you were a gay guy."
"Mmhmm... I think they should really bring back the whole castriati thing."
Josie returned to the spot beside me. "Who's getting their balls cut off now?"
"Meg is."
We had a laugh and I noticed that the girls at the end of the table were snickering along with us.
More wine was set down on the table. Skinny girl was shaking her head. "Hardly any of the tables are drinking... Someone actually sent back their steak to be cooked longer than well done. It's whitetrash in the big city out there."
Shit... I had totally forgotten about the world around the corner. At least for a little bit.
"Seriously though, are you studying a specific area of vocal?"
She swished wine around in her glass. "I'm attempting to be the manliest woman to try and do male opera roles."
"That, my dear, is a fantastic idea. Now if you forgive me, I must make a bathroom run."
Josie was enrapt talking to Frank about how to diversify his investments as I left. I went to forage for the bathroom and tried to maintain composure and not stagger... not too much at least.
I saw Hannah and her husband making the rounds at all of the tables. They were a long way away from ours so I had nothing to fear about missing out on too much. I spied the door to the washroom and felt a small bump up behind me.
"It's just me..." Frank was directly behind me and he hustled me through the doorway. I made brief eye contact with Hannah and laughed out loud when Frank grabbed my hips and hurried me along down the hall. This felt a bit more urgent than boy talk in the bathroom. We chugged into the bathroom and directly into a stall. He casually prodded me to lean against a wall and pulled on my tie a little.
"Hannah said that you'd been gay until you were with her?"
"Correction, always was gay. She just confirmed all doubts and suspicions."
"So... You only date men mostly?"
Oh I know where this is going. A snog won't hurt anyone will it? I pulled him in for a quick kiss, only vaugly aware of heels clicking down the hall to the bathroom.
"Nate? Franics? Are you in here?"
Busted. There was only one stall door closed.
"Uh... yes?" Like a well-timed delivery we said it at the same time. Damn it.
"Are... you... Um, I just wanted to say thank you for the lovely gifts."
Frank was rummaging around below the belt, making it hard to maintain a normal train of thought.
"Oh... GOOD... good I'm glad you liked it." I couldn't even remember what it was. I bought it the day that the invitation arrived in the mail. God I hope it wasn't something backhanded and bitter.
"Ok, well... I'll let you get back... to... it... I guess? Come to the table and meet Jack will you?"
"SURE..." I swatted away a very persistant hand. "I mean, sure thing Hannah."
She turned heel to leave and I charged at Frank to thump him up against the opposite wall.
Oh god knows how long we were in there. People clearly came in and out, but I don't think we were too obvious. Well, other than the two sets of mens dress shoes clearly in the stall. No matter! I was becoming less and less fixated on my first and last female relationship and more on how I was going to keep my pants up for the remainder of the wedding.
"Muhhf... Muh... Ok ok... We should get back before we come out with godamn boners."
"oh my GOD!"
Damn it! Someone had come into the stall beside us. Forgot that part. Frank laughed and pulled me out of the stall to run out before our guest could identify us. Being classy, we had staggered exits out of the door but we still looked guilty as fuck.
We made it back to the table where Meg was chatting away with Josie.
"Odjajhi reserve huh?"
"Woah! No one fucking knows that place."
"Oh sweetie I know it well. I used to work on the youth choir council with..."
"Mr. Robertson?!"
"Ha! The very same."
"Jesus... that's a long time ago. I used to date a boy in highschool who trained with Mr. Robertson's quote/end quote wife."
"Huang! No!"
"Yes, Mrs Huang... Queen of the 4 hour long rehersal.... and the emotional duress of extended teaching lessons. I know it well. I spent many a morning sleeping on the steps of her basement while Dallas had clarinet lessons."
"Quite the lady, I know. How do you think I felt? I would have dinner with Mr. Robertson and her when I was in town for workshops or for performances with Mr. Roberston's chamber choir group."
"Huang! Shit, I haven't heard that in a long time. From a statistical point of view, Dallas would cry every third lesson. This is the fucking guy who survived seeing a parent be murdered, lived through foster homes and pretty much could stand up to anyone... crying, like a lost calf when she told him his staccato was uninspired."
"tut tut, poor soul..."
"you're telling me. How is a 17 year old supposed to get any action when your boyfriend is sobbing over messing up a music piece that he was a teensy bit slow on the third page? Tell me that!" Frank's foot was reaching over to my leg, lightly, but still a bit thrilling.
"Indeed, it would be hard to manage."
Frank stared at me directly but threw a proposition out there. "Meg! you should sing something! Come on, I feel bad that we only got them a $45 gift certificate for the bookstore."
"So you don't feel bad about whoring me out to a restaurant full of people after I get shitfaced and I would sound like hell?"
He nodded in agreement. "What aren't you getting here?"
"What on EARTH would I do for this crowd? Have you noticed that we're on our fifth bottle of cabernet because everyone out in the general population is holding out to see if they'll open up a bottle of zinfindel?!"
It popped out of my mouth before I could stop myself. "Vecchia Zimarra from La Boheme."
Silence. Frank gaped at me. "That's perfect. Begging for money to look after someone who's dying? I LIKE IT! No one will fucking know what you're saying if it's in Italian. Do it Meg!"
"Wouldn't you think that it's a bit gauche to sing about death and misery on someone's wedding day?"
"Yes it would be gauche if anyone in here was at a level above amoebic white trash. Let's do this!"
Hannah was finally making her way over to the banished tables. "Hi everyone! Thanks for coming today. My god you must all be having fun. We can hear you all laughing and carrying on in the back."
I gulped back a mouthful of wine. "We'll be quiet in a minute, I promise. Meg wanted to know if you'd be ok with her singing an opera piece... Our gift to your new love." We all raised a glass and smirked at the pouting groom. Yes buddy, I was the fag that fucked your fiance when you were on a "break".
"I would love for you to sing something... Come out to the front... All of you!"
Meg looked behind her shoulder with a terrified look. I winked and followed her out.
Frank bellowed to get everyone's attention. "Everyone! Please! My friend here wants to present a wedding song!"
It was lovely... It was miserable! The wrong thing to bring out for a wedding filled with hope for the future. A sad and mournful piece about begging for money and selling ones jacket. Perfection. Everyone was enrapt with confusion. Not really an opera crowd I guess.... What a backhanded wedding gift....
----------

fiction sept 20 2006

"I don't know why you're so fucking mopey." Josie pulled on a white and red striped straw and sucked back the remainder of a milkshake.
my stomach quivered from the steady poison of mushrooms and thick shots of Jagermister. dead and still eyes looking back at Josie and being so mad. so utterly mad, but i'm not able to show it.
She took out her cell to make a few calls while i crossed my arms around me and leaned forward. i began to obsess that i would get sick in the diner. spewing up everything and they'd know i was high. they could see the lurching pieces of illegal fungus and they'd know.... yes, they were definately going to find out.
"Yeah... No... The show was a blow out. My date was a no-show and now i have to babysit nate who's traumatized..."
"fuck you."
"What did you say? Anyways, yeah. Total blow out! I got a hotel room and everything. Phhpht."
Correction. We BOTH got a hotel room. You were just adamant that I wasn't going to sleep there tonight and instead you could have it all to yourself AND LEAVE ME ALONE ALL NIGHT IN THIS CITY!
I pounded the table with a fist. Josie shot me a look and motioned her hand downwards for me to simmer. Thankfully my rant hadn't actually escaped my mind
My stomach twinged. I always felt like I was loosing the high in the end of taking mushrooms. like it was dying inside me and just sputtering out of my guts and into raw organic bits of shit. as i curled downwards i let my head lay on the paper placemat. all i could see was the year of the monkey... "Should not speculate with money..."
Why me? Why do I always trap myself in these endless circles of stupidity?
My ex was a dazzling piece of flaming intelligence. he had just finished his doctorate and decided that he should really show his more interesting and less academically-focused attention on people other than me. pretty much he had money and a reputation so i was cut loose as a celebration of his new job. I can't really recall loosing it over a man in recent years but I went ape. Pure highschool style insanity-oh-god-i'll-never-love-again-bullshit. This was my long term investment love and bam, he started dating a business undergrad TA who was juiced into the board of directors via his very liberal mother, the dean of arts. Oh it was repulsive.
His new mother in law came over a few weeks ago with some vegitarian eggplant bake fandango bullshit while i was locked outside waiting for him to come home. i was probably on a bit more valium than I should have bought illegally... and I probably shouldn't have been THAT drunk on a Thursday morning... but I was a walking wreck. she immediately swept around me in whatever caftan hippy garb for office professionals she had on.
"My, what's wrong?"
"Oh lady... lady... You shouldn't be talking to me. I should go." Naturally the booze and tranquilizers make me forget about my low bloodpressure. and maybe they made it worse. I stood up quickly and toppled back into a light faint. It was only a few seconds before I came to looking up at coral lipstick and turquoise eye liner. Is this an angel? do angels look like stevie nicks in a blazer with multiple scarves?
"HONEY! Are you OK?"
"Stop stop! I'm fine! It's my blood pressure. I'm just upset..." I crawled on all fours to try and get away from her trying to do some reki on me no doubt.
"You don't understand.... I'm Nate. I'm just here to get some of my stuff and I have to go."
She paused. Oh shit... now what?
"Look, it's none of my business, but that's pretty cold to date for 3 years and then get dumped for a 21 year old teachers aid."
"21! 21!"
"Robby skipped a few grades and did an accellerated business degree.. ."
Dumped for someone nearly 10 years younger than me. I think I want to go inside, get my stuff and then gut myself on his stupid fucking bed. Not that I'm being dramatic or anything.
"Look sweetie, I know what it's like to get the rush when someone moves on with their career. Do you see a ring here? No sir. Don't just sit around waiting all your life. Now, Robby said you were the photographer? You should come to Gesh View on Friday for my art show. I'd love to have some professional shots from different people."
It felt like getting the lollypop and pat on the head after a rubella shot. There, there. You're a fucking looser, but you can take pictures, can't you? That's a good boy.
I took the invitation and directions she jotted down on the back of a phone bill envelope. Folding it up I wiped my eyes and stood up.
"I'm going to head out. Tell Jason I'll come by and pick up my stuff later."
"I insist you come to the show darling! It's the best way to move on."
Ugh. Shut up hippy lady that's too young to be a real hippy!
Josie had only agreed to come with me as an initial chaperone to the art show when i advised her that the new vapid twat who plays a lesbian on a tv program would be there.
ughghh... It was hipster heaven/hell. I snapped off a bunch of pictures and sighed. what a gig. the only thing that kept me from hanging myself off of the ladder installation piece was knowing a new guy was going to meet me there. we had been chatting in the mornings at the coffee bar for a month and I finally blurted out to him that I was semi working at an art show as a photographer of guests, but I'd like for him to come. he was taken aback but looked pleased that I had finally alerted him to my interest instead of always looking depressed and shy when I declined his offers to go out and get a drink sometime.
I had gone the added distance and showed up dressed nicely instead of the "the insurance sales man's last days before a heroin overdose" look i had been rocking: A whole lot of stubble and a lot of dress shirts and ties from the 50's I had been obsessively buying from a used clothing store down town. I opted for the same clothing but instead treated myself to a new shirt and tie since I couldn't be bothered to wash any other things I had. Hell, I even shaved and got a little hair trim.
There we were... Josie looking around the room for her pseudo lesbian hero and me popping off pictures of some retarded floppy-hair douche who had always hated my work but had the audacity to be quoted as "adoring" my work in a recent Weekend Post Arts review to get his name in print. I was taking glee in fully capturing his second chin when the coffee shop boy came around the corner.
Brown shirt, brown tie, brown saddle shoes. Yes yes yes that's what I'm wearing and coffee shop boy looked equally cute in a kicky tshirt and dress coat combination. Le sigh. I don't believe in rebound dating, but I could really get used to looking at this one.
I saddled up to him with a pleasant smile [i was good and only had a half an e before i came] and told him to hold still for a picture.
Ah. So cute... and then a vaguely familiar guy approached us. Where do I know you from and why are you highjacking my coffee shop boy art show date?
He was funny and drew us in... He was too good to be true and i felt myself folding up into silence and timid insecurity. I held out for 30 minutes and then had to get back to taking pictures... leaving them behind to converse and looking over at them laughing... the ursurping prick getting closer and closer... Serves you right for blowing him off so long. Maybe he can sense your desperation to get on with things and get it on with someone new.
I looked away to spy my one-and-only-for-a-short-while ex by the bar with his boy toy looped around his waist like an attachment. My only hope was they weren't laughing at me... well, it was my hope at first. As I worked the room, taking more and more shitty shots I saw my coffee boy migrate over to my ex with his new friend in tow.
The familiar face was one of Jason's cronies from school who I had only met at a few grad pub functions. His arm was around the coffee shop boys and the jig was up. Jason had sent in his smoothest talking friend to swoop in and lick the ear of any guy who looked somewhat interested in me.
Pretty much after that I was in a terrified buzz of anger and the additional drugs I collected from people at the party. The mushrooms had probably been too much introspection for such a depressing night, but no matter.
maybe it's what I needed? maybe I need to be at home and under the blankets... under the blankets, folded up safely from myself and from everything trying to get me and not locked into mute anger in an all night diner.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

mix-o

where we're calling from - doves
n.y. - doves
in the morning - junior boys
death or life we want you - the dears
cause = time - broken social scene
misunderstood - wilco [live in Chicago]
tuff ghost - the unicorns
boy from school - hot chip
like a child - junior boys
fear made the world go 'round - the dears
flagpole sitta - harvey danger [gay i know. i think it's cute]
daylight - coldplay [gay, but there's no available excuses for this one]
chicago - sufjan stevens [so sue me i just saw 'little miss sunshine']
miss misery - elliot smith [yes it's over played but it mixed well in this order]
blue sky - jason collet
night birds - ryan adams
mr. brightside - the killers [accoustic] fuck off and die let me enjoy some pop music!

Saturday, September 9, 2006

i always seem to end mix cd's with this underworld song....

sigh your children - ...and you will now them by the trail of dead
east van - memphis
on repeat - lcd soundsystem
i love you - the dandy warhols
poor places - wilco
50 gallon drum - buck65
useless - depeche mode
hands away - interpol
painter in your pocket - destroyer
title and registration - death cab for cutie
inoculate the innocuous - the unicorns
everything must go - the weakerthans [cbc session live edit BOOYA I'M AN INTRAWEB ASSHOLE]
mistake pagent - idlewild
galang - m.i.a.
electioneering - radiohead
luetin - underworld

fiction and a little bit of reality

"what? what will you do?"
"you don't want to know... just don't do it."
Ari was being a prat and the people milling around us at the bar were listening in. His newest facination was to take a pubic hair and put it on a white card. from there he would crank it through a card laminating machine that he had found at a rummage sale. There were over 10000 plastic sleeves and there certainly weren't that many business cards in his wallet that needed laminating. Over-stocked with these items he had recently decided to take it upon himself to find ways to get rid of them.
Creativity had evolved into spectacular gross behaviour and he was amassing a collection of pube cards. To my horror he was handing them out to unexpecting friends and had threatened to give me one.
"I would put that right up there with assault."
"What?! It's in plastic! It's sealed shut!"
"IT'S YOUR FUCKING PUBES YOU DIRTY PRE-VERT MONKEY!"
The waitress approached us and then walked away.
We frantically waved her back and assured her that we would behave while she was there. After the orders were placed we stood in silence. Me fuming and Ari staring at some university kids.
His brother Yosef was making his way through a packed bar crowd with Chana in tow.
Chana gave the death stare to someone who accidentally bumped into her and was still trying to stare the girl down. Yosef was keen to get a few drinks in and move on to smoking some weed but we had to make an effort to look like we gave a shit about someone's birthday.
"Why the hell are we here? It's all a bunch of fuckin' university students."
"Did you see her run into me? Where's the decency in people? She didn't even say sorry!" I was still pouting over the pube card discussion and she picked up on it. "What's the issue? You have a fight with your little boyfriend?"
"Go on, Ari. Tell her."
He pulled out a sample card and held it up to her. She leaned in close straining to make out what it is. Her glassed slid down her nose and she eyeballed the card more. Wait for it. Wait. Wait for it... Her eyes widened and the tell-tale rage shakes fluttered up her body.
Yosef had turned his attention back to us and caught sight of the pube card and rushed to Chana to hold her back. I thrust out my arm to hold her back as her hands arched into pointy nails and writhing fingers attempting to claw Ari's face off as he laughed at her.
"Yossi! Hold your little friend back!" Ari reached into his pocket and faned out 6 cards to waggle in front of Chana's snapping mouth spewing out yiddish disses. I'm sure it would have made your skin crawl if you knew what the hell she was saying.
"I'll rip your smug homo face off! You pig!"
Yosef and I held her back and I wrapped a thick arm around her from behind. She pushed against me like a dog waiting to be set free. I sipped my beer with my free arm and gestured towards Ari. Using my best soothing tone I talked into her ear.
"Our friend here doesn't think that there's anything wrong with his. He doesn't think that there's a reason to flip out."
"Yossi, come on, you thought it was funny..."
"I thought it was funny when it was yours... It's not funny to have amassed a library of my friends god damn pubic hair."
"Look! I got Paul to give me one of his!" He held up one of the newest cards and Yosef looked horrified. Paul was one of his most vibrantly homophobic friends and couldn't imagine him letting Ari fish around in his shorts to pluck out a hair. Even I was agog.
"OK now, your pube game is fucking sick but I'm impressed with this one."
"Thank you Nate. I knew you'd come around on it. See? It's thrilling and fun!"
"Oh my god... did you get permission to get this or did you wait until he was sleeping?!"
Ari quickly put the card into his shirt pocket and took a sip of beer.
"Fuck... you fucking idiot. So help me god, if you took this off of him when he was sleeping I will not protect you when he comes to sever your balls from your body."
"I plead the fifth on this one."
Chana was still wrapped up under my arm but was gradually relaxing. Probably out of joy thinking about telling Paul the whereabouts of a rogue pubic hair.
"You two are clearly overreacting. Seriously, what the hell would you do if I gave you one of these cards when you weren't expecting it? Nothing! It's wrapped in plastic. It's harmless."
As three voices we yelled louder than needed. "IT'S YOUR PUBES!" followed with assorted spatterings of curses and heads shaking in disbelief.
Chana took my beer and swilled back a hearty dose. "You know what I'd do?"
I gave her a motivational hug. I love it when she's in a rage, it's always fraught with creative insults.
"I would wait until you least expect it... Maybe the next day, maybe the next month... But you wouldn't see it coming. I'll wait until you can't see me. I'll wait until you're in a room with a boy you're trying to impress. I'd jam my hand down my pants and fish around in my cunt for a minute. Like, we're talking four fingers, triple-knuckle deep jammed in there. I'd get them in there as far as I could go, yank it out and paint your face with my pussy juice."
Yosef and I hollered with laughter.
"Yessir, I'd paint you up real nice and I'd put two fingers up your nose so just washing your face won't fix it. you'll have to smell it for days on end. And just when you think it's gone you'll realize it's not actually "there", it's in your psyche. It'll never leave your mind. Every day you'll wake up and think, "Someone played finger paints on my face with vaginal fluid and I will never be the same.""
"That's a little harsh! See, just touch the card!!! It's nothing!"
I was mid sip and almost spat out a gradually warming Stella onto Chana's shoulder.
"Holy jesus we're going to get thrown out! You! Cards away. You! Calm down and rein it in!"
"Hey... Hey... Chana... Calm down. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Here, take my card and call me any time."
Oh god that's it... She's going to stab him as he laughs. No matter. Some beer and a resolute promise to get stoned later would help I'm sure.

Friday, September 8, 2006

...and you will know us by this mix cd - september 8 2006

i made a ...and you will know us by the trail of dead sampler cd for my roomates. i'm going to the toronto show with them and decided to make a compact little review of the albums. er, the ones i like anyways.

...and you will know us by this mix cd - september 2006
and you will know them...
mistakes and regrets
blight takes all
clair de lune
flood of red
mark david chapman
aged dolls
sigh your children
another morning stoner
how near how far
heart in the hand of the mat
relative ways
ode to isis
will you smile again for me
the summer of '91
a classic arts showcase
the best
intelligence