Tuesday, July 20, 2010

DOUBLE RAINBOW BEAR WONDERS WHAT DOES IT MEAAAAN?

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in all honesty, i'm too intimidated to put up an actual craig's list post

i was busy working on a new craigs list ad looking for dudes to let me play with their feet when brad interrupted. "any word on if they're hiring at your friends place?"
"huh? yeah... no nothing yet."
"is there anything i can do?"
"just, uh, just gotta sit and wait i guess." fussing with the wording i hated being distracted.
"please don't let me bug you...."
"oh shut it. you can barely maintain eye contact with me if there's a hot guy on the tv in the next room."
"i'm really worried about this!"
"i told you, i can cover rent for a couple of months. just take your time and find something if you don't think the publisher's going to foot the next advance payment."
"i feel sick to my stomach...."
"i'm sorry i insinuated you'd have to take your clothes off to cover the rent. it was a joke."
"no! not that... i feel sick thinking that all this time i put into the book was for nothing."
"you've been able to sell everything you've penned thus far. so what if they don't like this draft? they're just dicking you around to try and squeeze some money out of you. did you talk to your agent like i said?"
"he's on vacation until next week."
"you didn't leave 10 messages on his voice mail freaking out did you?"
"Just three."
"not bad!" i turned back to my laptop and clicked around some more hoping he'd get the hint and vacate.
"what're you working on?"
"an ad to solicit men to let me do sexual things to their feet."
stunned he sat there looking back at my glib expression.
"seriously?"
"yep. i've just had feet on the brain. i want to get a guy to let me wash his feet, then manicure and file his nails. then go to town on them."
"i... see? i didn't know you were into that."
"THAT. That... that? you make it sound like some sort of pooping fetish."
"it's not common!"
"right. it's not doggy style in front of a mirror, must be perverse."
"see, you get so fucking defensive when someone doesn't immediately get your point of view."
"probably because i have a fairly straight forward view on things and it annoys me when someone that's smart and hip gets caught up in what's acceptable vanilla sex and what's taboo."
"really don't need this."
"you can either sit there and help me edit this or you can make a pot of tea and we can sit out on the balcony for a bit."
"maybe i should write out a craigs list post?"
"or we can take the streetcar down to the strip club and get you on stage for amateur night."
"wow! you had that ready to go didn't you?"
"fuck kid, even if i weighed another 60 pounds more than you, i'd be stripping full time. not my fault if i have an eye for talent."
"i just couldn't...."
"$3000 first prize, you know."
"jesus!"
"jesus ain't got nothing to do with it. you think me giving a toe job is bad...."
"what would i have to do?"
"take it off. and i mean, it ALL comes off. last kid i saw win got his junk shaved on stage and got blown for a solid couple of minutes. THAT'S entertainment."
"no! no way i could do that."
"guess you're making tea then huh?"
"maybe i could help with the ad instead."
"suit yourself." [ahem] "M4M 34 y/o looking for nice man feet to worship and suck...."
"forget it. i'm making the tea."
"no wait, i'm not done!" i raised my voice for him to hear in the kitchen. "let me pamper your feet and caress them with my tongue for hours on end."
"ok i get it!"
"...i'm ok with oral or hj's, not looking for sex just your big fee..."
"LA LA LA CAN'T HEAR YOU! TEA PRODUCTION IN PROGRESS!!"
"you're a baby. what the hell do you do in bed? just clean each other like kittens and pass out after some stoic dick kisses?"
"why the fuck do i even talk to you?"
"because all your little friends are vapid and even you need some teasing to remind you that you're smarter than your twinky pack but you're a big fish in a little pond. i'm here to remind you about the ocean out there."
"good GOD! and you're stoned too! what was all this talk about you not smoking weed for a couple of weeks?"
"I said nothing about opium."
"OPIUM! no, like, for real..."
"ya for real. just smoked some before you got in."
"maybe it's better for you to just get stoned."
"no, a promise is a promise. i said no weed and i'm sticking to it."
he popped out from around the corner to look at me. "Can i have some?"
"god no! you can't pay rent, you're sure as shit not getting opium."
"honestly! again! do you think i need that?!"
"what? the opium or comments about rent?"
"fuck this, i'm going to chuck this whole kettle on you."
"go for it. i'll just put up another craigs list ad for someone to come be my sexy nurse and change my cock bandages."

Monday, July 19, 2010

zack is my long lost twin brother

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2 white pit bulls

"nah nah, it's insane. you have to experience it for one day and then you'll really get the breadth of the cuckoos nest they have festering."
"how can one restaurant chain have such a disparity between locations?!"
"i know! i told antony he should do a paper on it for his MBA. it'd be off the hook to do a deep dive analysis of what the fuck is happening. no matter, even the few shifts a week i pick up there are entertaining. like, i know i get to leave and come back here so it's more like a safari."
"you have GOT to be fucking kidding me. this place?" george gestrured wildly towards the restaurant we were sneaking in a joint behind.
i sipped on the smoke for a rapid succession of tokes before launching into my best Fargo impression. "Oh-a yeuah."
"don't even believe you for a minute. you're just trying to get me to cover your shift if you have to work there, aren't you?"
"oh jesus boy, you're so PARANOID!" i knew that gave him a pang of hurt hinting that he could be anything like his newly minted ex boyfriend. who got the boot for being an unrepentant coke head paranoid basket case. which i shouldn't have brought up. let alone mock george for being paranoid... and i really shouldn't have kept saying to myself before my shift "make sure you don't bring up coke, paranoia or money with george tonight" since i know i fixate and can't NOT blurt it out when i'm saying it over and over again. it's like a baby stroller careening out into traffic in slow-mo. my brain is screaming, "aahnoooooo!!" trying to reach for my id kicking me to say something stupid. too late. i had already absently asked george if he wanted to split an 8 ball with me this weekend. and i REALLY didn't mean ask him for that $50 he owed me. i don't even fucking need the money! but boom. this'll be a good conversation! idiot.
and now this. george was looking at me stunned and i put the joint into his mouth.
"i'm sorry."
"did you tell yourself not to say it?"
"yeah."
"did you practice all the way en route to work?"
my head drooped. "oh yeah." sometimes it's a relief when close friends have a working knowledge of your mental illnesses.
"well...." he took great long hauls on the joint and made it clear that i wasn't going to be getting it passed back. "i understand that you tried and failed." he pulled his glasses off the top of his head and tapped them back up the bridge of his nose as he leaned in to me. "TWO WHITE PIT BULLS!!!"
i threw up my hands and let out a hearty italian scream of "OH!"
while it's great when friends know what's poppin' with you on the sanity front, it can be a disadvantage. especially when they're privy to phrases that make me obsess on them for hours, sometimes days. over and over again when i'm walking alone... listen to music, trying to take an order at work. it's nothing terrible, but i will repeat it over and over again. eventually it just fades away, but until then, it's enmeshed in my consciousness.
"well thanks for that, george. you're a fucking saint. you know that?"
"honestly! you hear yourself speak!!"
"hey puppy cakes, you think i can fucking help it?"
"no, well yeah well... fuck it. we better get back in there. you should drop the visine."
way a head of him i was already plopping it in and wiping my eyes down. i had to wait behind him as he put his drops in with him bent over forward. for some reason he'd never been able to you know, DROP them in his eyes from above.
i waited until he was mid fuss to put visine into his other eye and jostled him from behind. "COME ON NOOBINZ! we're going to be late."
"agh! FUCK! really?"
i put my hand up to make a crack about having a lack of impulse control due to brain damage when i actually stopped myself. better add that to the list of shit i shouldn't bring up. wait, i shouldn't put it on a list. or.... like a list but don't think of the list?
"come on you god damned man child! keep this up and you're not coming out to baseball this week."
"oh no! you know how much a forced endeavor that requires me to be outside and do something sporty makes me horny!"
"you shouldn't have signed up as a sub in if you didn't want to play."
i hustled him back into the kitchen to make sure we didn't catch hell for taking a long break.
"YOU! YOU signed me up and told me about it after! you're the one who needs to get a god damned fag hag to do all this shit with."
"you're perfectly aware of how annoying i find straight women. we have an agreement that you cover off all the shit that's missing in my life outside of fucking, dating and clothes selection."
"again, that little arrangement thing was drafted without my consent or knowledge. i'm not going to really buy into it until you get my lawyer a copy to review. look sharp, people already think you're some little polish mail order husband of mine so don't bicker with me."
he spun around to lay into me but thought better of it when he saw my apron being tied on. usually that's when the serious face came out and the guy you talked to on break wafted away leaving a much more severe and unfriendly character.
i strode to my section and mumbled under my breath, "two white pit bulls." shit. this is going to be quite the night on the line.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

trick or twink

Trick or twink.

"That's disgusting! Don't call them tricks!"
Enjoying my roost behind my sunglasses i threw back my wine and gave a grunt.
"Don't humph like some silver back gorillia at me!"
"It's distressing to think that you're so far into denial that we're arguing about this. you bring home TRICKS. Tricks are what you pick up at the bar and have a threesome with. Twinks are who you go out on a date with. Get it?"

Gidi was a horrific pouter. Puffing of air, ugly scowl and flipping his head around until someone noticed how furious he was. I am a button pusher. i love how people react when i throw down with them. being introverted and a good listener affords me an enormous reference book of anecdotes, personal history and an instinctual ability to hiss the most cruel insults.

The time i spend with you is merely collecting, not an actual friendship or social interaction. when i was younger i was so depressed and torn up that the time i put into listening to people was never matched. And, really, give me a break. I observe and collect because i'm mentally ill, not because i realistically feel anyone can match that. The ephiphany came to me and I was awash in The Clear. I'm cluttered with sounds, noises, thoughts and demands from my brain. They're always there but I do have eeirie times where it all halts and suddenly it happens. The first time it hit me was when i was very little and I had been trapped in weekly ritual of being savaged by my aunts boyfriend. i might as well have short circuted. I was so agreeable. I was so eager to please and being ripped apart was such a contradiction. But I did what you wanted and you're still punishing me? I was mute and stunned. This went on for a few more rounds with me being a perfect fuck doll that didn't move and also didn't put up a fight.

all the voices in my head that kept me going stopped arguing in these incidents and began screaming. they all sounded different... but in terror they made a sweeping agreement to cry out at the same time. i couldn't believe he didn't hear them all... he had to have heard them shriek and beat the bone on my forehead. there's no way i was the only person who heard it.

each time it was over, i was picked up by my arm and chucked into the shower. he'd leave me in there and i was trained to know i had to wait a bit. inside the tub i felt so out of it... the screaming was calming down... only a few of the voices cried out to me asking what happened while the more stubborn ones left to regroup.

he must have flushed a toilet downstairs and the water went so cold it made me gasp. there it was so clear and focused. no chatter only understanding. instead of my machine gun fire of thoughts and anxiety i was calm.

you need to get dried off and go downstairs. you need to go downstairs and you need to take out the biggest knife in the butcher block and throw yourself into the wall with it pointed to your heart.

up i went and felt as casual as anyone would walking through their house. i took an extra towel to dry off my hair and made my way into the kitchen. the tv was on. i'm sure it must be tiring to rape children, might as well take it easy and catch what's on the tv.

pulling out the big cutting knife i felt it wobble in my small hand as i turned it around. The Calm was still there. a pat on the back telling me i pulled out the right one and it was time to get things finished.

he caught me walking out of the kitchen and calmly asked where i was going with the knife.

"i'm going to kill myself, it's ok."

The Calm stood behind me and i felt like there was a hand on my shoulder squeezing me. be careful....

"No... just give me the knife, ok?"

"it's going to fix things. I don't want to give it to you."

He looked terrified. A dead kid in the house where he was supposed to be babysitting? A dead kid that no doubt would have lead to an investigation and review on why a 10 year old had a blown out asshole and a knife run through him.

But I realized in all my inane chatter with him I had his number. Standing there i felt a tiny river of warm blood run down my leg like a streak of piss. the knife handle felt much lighter and The Calm showed me what it's actual intent was. And I smiled.

"you're in trouble, roger."

"listen, nathan... put the knife down."

"no. I don't think I will. I hurt all over and I don't think your daughter will let you see her kids any more if I tell her what you did to me."

"what?" he couldn't understand what was prompting me.

The Calm hooked a transparent arm around me from behind. A little squeeze. you're doing such a good job.

I was doing a good job, dammit. I saw how much ground I was gaining, how terrified he was that the passive little fatso was turning mean and downright evil.
"Roger you need to understand something... You can't do That anymore to me. Never again. Do you understand?"
"i... I... I do. please put the knife down. your aunts will be home from bingo soon."
"I know."
the dead bolt clapped open. Did The Calm know they'd be home any time now?
i ripped the knife down my left arm in one sweeping cut and let the knife clatter to the floor as I immediately felt faint from the instant steam of blood. down I toppled as my aunts screamed at the mess i made. Roger wasn't around much any more after that.

The Calm wasn't something i could command on a whim, but I was greatful that I found it. The incident let me know just how brutally smart I am manipulating people. I could have just called the police. I could have told a teacher... but no, the only thing Roger didn't rape and fuck was his daughter and grandchildren. The horror in his eyes told me I got to the quick of the issue in the most brutal of methods. It's never left me but served me well thus far. from something so terrible i gained my greatest super power. hurray for me.

yeah i love dub step... and i'm aware it's 2010

LA ROUX - BULLETPROOF (FOAMO DUBSTEP REMIX)



whum whum whumwhummmmmmWHUMWHUM wum. wum. wum....

Bel Ami Shall Not Be Interrupted!!

My roommate had couch surfers over on Sunday and they went on a party tear. It's actually a really cool way to meet people and they were having fun. No biggie! I was a little loathe for them to come over because literally, it's people she hasn't met before who are sleeping on the couch. they were super cool kids tho, so i was definitely unfounded in my paranoia.

The roommate borrowed her parents car for a couple of days before she went out east on vacation. We live in a 3 unit apartment house and there's only one person with a car full time. That being said, the guy with the car doesn't ask for much in terms of the occasional time there's a car. only to give him a heads up. I did attempt to remind her to contact the neighbor. he has the personality of a hard boiled egg but we can just text him.

Sunday Afternoon:
“did you call the neighbors and tell them you’re parking in the driveway?”
“I don’t have to do that…”
“can you CALL so it’s cleared up??”
“whatever. You’re paranoid.”

Cue midnight. Roommate is long gone. I have the upstairs to myself knowing they’re all at a party and won't be back for hours.

Long shower consisting of decadent hops and bergamont body wash and a tiny dot of my roommates super expensive l'occitane shampoo and conditioner. Let me tell you, there IS a difference between $5 and $25/bottle. I shave, worked on my poorly tended to feet and wrap up in the shower.

dosed in clean and delicious scents led me to prance around the house like a freshly scrubbed puppy. i loped around making some tea and smoking a joint without being hampered by pants. as i dried off i began to feel like i should really take advantage of the empty house even more.

So, yeah, this is over-share, but it's worth it for the benefit of a story.

I go to my porno movie collection on my computer and hum over what I want to select. I opted for a newer and younger themed movie. my usual is early 90's pre-condom bear daddy stuff or something decidedly muscular.

But I've watched the burly dude stuff to death and need a change. I go with a super hot BelAmi movie with TWINKIES, which isn’t my usual selection but hey, might as well mix it up.

So I’m literally at the 50% mark in terms of lift off, no clothing, just rave music on the stereo and twinkies and OH! They brought a friend. Hot… yeah that’s hot… so hot… you like it when that Russian comes over to borrow a cup of sugar don’t you? Wuff… oh YEAH! You don’t even wear underwear under your jeans, do you? That's so convenient! Yeah… little sloots…

[wrrrrrrr]
Shut up phone.
[wrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]
F*ck it.
[wrrrrr wrrrrr wrrrrrrr]
JESUS!

[using elbow to turn on phone]
*UNIT C* Oh what do they want… let me guess.
*UNIT C* 12:04AM: “Hi, can you let me know what you’re doing with the car? I can’t pull in.”
GAH!!!

I slap some hand sanitizer on and text the absentee roommate. “YO, need to move the car or text the neighbor to let him know what you’re doing.”
[no response]
*UNIT C* 12:29AM: “hi, I’ve been out here for 20 minutes… what are we doing with the car?”
Texting Roommate: “SAM I can’t move the f’ing car, what do you want me to do?” [i literally can't. i don't have a drivers license.]
Roommate Response: “KEYS ARE DOWNSTAIRS!”
Texting Roommate: “so the neighbor can move your car?”
ANGRY ROOMMATE RESPONSE: “YES!!! GOD!!”

So I’m preeeeeeeetty ticked off at this point.

Like I can’t hear most sounds or process colour because I’m that furious.

I just barely dress in a tshirt and my rattiest shorts and storm downstairs to grab the keys. My hair is soaking wet, my tshirt is on inside out and I managed to grab the only pair of shorts on the floor that legally require me to wear them with underwear. never mind that there were 4 other ones i should have grabbed.

Flinging the door open, I see the neighbor on the porch and snap my fingers to point at him like some d*key Clint Eastwood.
“HEY! Can you move the car in further? I don’t care if you wreck it.”
“oh.. uh… sure I can move it no problem…. What time does she need out of the driveway…”
“F**K HER. IF SHE CAN’T GET HER PLANS SORTED TO DO THIS I DON’T CARE!”
“oh… uh… it’s not a big deal I just didn’t want to get a ticket parking on the roa….”
“WHATEVER, just move it and throw the keys in the bushes after!!!” [I’m pretty sure I was foaming at the mouth by this point]
“okay…?”

Buddy moves the car and brings the keys back. “Hey sorry to have woken you up I apprecia…”

At this time I’m muttering to myself smoking and really sounding like I’m some schizophrenic homeless guy and he just slinks off looking over his shoulder.

It took me another 40 minutes to loop back to the point where I was pre-interruption and let me tell you, it was an angry, angry w*nk. And I don’t think those twinky boys deserved to be called all those names.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

the in the out the in the out THE IN THE OUUUUUTTTTTAAAAAAH

so... i'm never one to be positive but things are moving along quite nicely. i feel confident in getting a good place to live if i move to Toronto. i'm still up in the air about a job, but even then i feel, ugh, hopeful.

i like the idea of putting little morsels of change out to the universe and seeing all the opportunities that unfold. GOD I WANT TO DIE WRITING THAT OUT. \

but it's true.

and i think i'm going to make it.

in the meantime, time to look at more j-o-b-s.