Sunday, October 17, 2010

tandem handy

brad came in struggling with bags of groceries. i didn't bother getting up and interfering. more specifically, i didn't really have any desire to get up.
"hey guess who i saw out with Darren?"
huffing and struggling he grunted as he opted to slug it all to the floor.
"i.... ah... ah... i don't give a shit."
"fine then." i went back to doodling with a fountain pen. after some obligatory sorting and moving i could tell brad's ability to hold back was failing.
"well go on then, who was Ken Doll with?"
"who? oh.... oh no matter. it's just gossip. i should bite my tongue."
"don't be a coy cunt. who?"
gnawing on my bottom lip i became transfixed trying to make evenly spaced cross hatching lines. i always fuck up after the 20th swipe and it looks like garbage.
"nathan! who!"
"can you grab me a glass of water?"
"don't drag this out."
"don't make me drag it out. we play this little game and you like it. let the tap run a bit!!"
didn't sound like he spent a lot of time picking a glass out. i hate that. think!
"here! here. confess!"
gulping down a few mouthfuls i gasped. i was always on the verge of dehydrated....
"ahhh... Josh."
"THAT LAZY EYED FUCK?!"
"wasn't that the one who always swallowed?"
"yeah... like, i think he liked it more than fucking."
"hey, no judgement here man. we all gotta get off right?"
"look, no! don't change the subject. why the fuck would Darren go out with him? they're both such dedicated bottoms..."
"maybe they just waive their asses in the air like cats and kinda clap assholes together?"
"wuh...wah... no. oh man. i dunno what they do."
"you look perplexed. is it insane to think of them together? maybe they spoon like little puppies and tweeze their eyebrows in tandem?"
"see, shit like that. that's why people think you're homophobic. or at least self-loathinng."
"ohhhhhhh don't bring that up again. humor at the expense of others transcends gender and sexual orientation. everyone's up for grabs. just so happens i love mocking bummers."
"you're a bummer."
"i know. see, it's like this cycle. i, the hero...."
"NO. no we're not doing that Northrup Frye shit again. you lured me in once and that was QUITE enough."
"you GOTTA read the books! you're a fucking english student! it's your civil duty...."
"did you talk to them?"
"what? who? the boys? yeah i sat and had a beer with them. i got a tag team handie under the table."
moment trying to read me...
"ha ha. very funny."
"so quick to think that i'm bullshitting are we? so outrageous to think i'd get a double handy from two twinks, eh?"
"patience... running out... blood sugar so low... must... kill... old fag."
"go make a sandwich or something. you're useless to me unless you can focus. make me something too if you're up.?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

CL ad... and yes, this is real

"don't be hating on me because i'm getting all the love from this ad."
he was horrified. sticking a bloody turd in his ear would have garnered less of a reaction.
"oh PLEASE i am not going to get jealous over you on craigslist."
i leaned back on the couch and popped some air out of my spine.
"no no, i know it's tough to swallow my creamy load of creativity sometimes. especially since you know i wrote a better one than you did."
he pushed his newly purchased glassed up his nose and sniffed. "i don't HAVE a craigslist post."
"liar. liar and charlatan."
"i don't need to rely on seedy websites to get laid."
"oohhhhhh SURE stick the knife in. wah wah, i can't get a guy to suck my dick at the bar, instead we just text for a half hour and decide who's hosting. you're so accurate. my way is just deplorable."
"sometimes i think you perceive me as a total slut!"
"quacks like a duck... makes the younger duck swallow on the first date... looks like a duck..."
he pinched his lips a little and tapped on his tea mug. we were both feeling irritated and awkward talking without any wine. we still drank behind each others backs, just nothing overt. i'll tell you, the amount of mouthwash we gargle with is staggering. i imagine it smells like rubbing alcohol and fermented grapes that fell behind a radiator all the time. but the point is we were being responsible liars.
"i don't think you're a slut. slut is a state of mind, you know? just that you get tail when you want it, i have to do a little bit of leg work."
Blip. my phone went off again. another email.
since i posted my craigslist ad i had received at least 4 to 7 emails a day responding. i had confessed to brad and i knew the brat had done an ad for himself with little response thus far. stellar.
getting older and also not getting laid for a long time had lead me to getting irritatingly horny. it was almost chemical at this point. i was like a grumpy terrier growling and giving the shank eye all the time. i jerked off 4 times a day, which is a huge increase since i can go 2 to 3 days without needing it. i will always be a camel with orgasms. i don't shrivel and die if i don't get laid... fuck, if that was the case i would have perished a long time ago.
still, i do have my limits. thusly we come to me at this stage in my life. i get hard using the toaster. i burned through all my good spank lube that usually lasts me months in 4 weeks. i was irritated with porn because it was never hard or nasty enough and found myself in the ennui of smut apathy. i had been getting a ton of coffee dates with Nice Boys who all wanted to get to know me before we got fucking. nice.
my wank sessions had been out of control. short of inviting a midget, it was a free for all in my brain. i had been burning for a guy to bottom for me but i had also been thinking about women. a lot. i've fooled around with a chick before but it was so boring it made me want to just call it off and go cum in the bathroom by myself. but these days i was so hot to trot i couldn't stop thinking about chicks either.
i had taken the time to craft something that would catch people's eyes. i didn't want to get the usual menagerie of swingers and sex addicts....
m/wm - 30 - downtown
queer guy who's curious about having a nite in with a couple. not
looking for swingers per se, but curious to know if there's any
nerdy/cute hipsters pref. on the chubby side. this is because i'm
chubby so if that's not yer cup of tea, no worries!
i'd like to fool around with a couple and really enjoy that dynamic of
having fun. NSA, laid back and willing to meet up first.
one little ad, so many replies. it was nuts. sure there were a ton of skeevy jerks but astoundingly, there were amazing people who wrote back. you just got the impression that the post snared a lot of people who wouldn't normally go trolling around for a threesome. the pictures ranged from adequate to luscious. some just wanted dirty email exchanges... a couple did call me to make plans to meet up. nothing had progressed yet, but i had an inbox full of potential meet ups and some luscious pic exchanges. shit, even if they were fakes it was thrilling enough to fantasize about.
i was bursting with thoughts and asking about if i was more likely to be murdered & raped [yes i'm aware of the order i put that in] in a hotel room or if i should meet up at a house after a bar meet & greet. Brad seemed bemused thinking that i wouldn't get too far but turned horrified when i was actually taking my pick and discussing the finer points of what i wanted to experience.
i didn't have the heart to tell him i was pretty sure i had been emailing his older brother & his bi girlfriend for the better part of 3 days. like, it might be him? maybe? no need to worry until i get a last name. which, amazingly, life on the internet dictates i get a cock picture THEN a last name.