Sunday, March 25, 2007

this didn't really go anywhere

i fussed with a piece of sashimi. my chop sticks poked through the delicious layers of tuna meat but i couldn't bring myself to eat it.
Dan pecked at my hand with his sticks to get my attention.
"Yeah I know I'm poking at it. You don't like tuna anyway."
"People are going to think I broke up with you... sit up... you know, look... happy or more like you're getting dinner for free tonight."
"Right right." I straighted up in my chair and looked over his shoulder.
"You seemed like you were in an ok mood when i came to get you... was it something I said? Too many spider rolls and not enough Sapporo?"
I smiled a little and leaned back. What the fuck is my problem?
"Anything more on that boy?"
"No. Fuck... Dan, I told you, nothing's going to happen. I can't even bring myself to hang out now that he has a boyfriend. I just wait in terror that he's going to bring up some magical moment with me and I'm going to burst into tears. Last time I saw him he was going to make his man dinner and read pablo neruda to each other. I really thought I was going to collapse into his arms... What... why in the hell would i meet someone like this?"
"It's not working right now, maybe in the future..."
I pitched my chopsticks down and rubbed my eyes with my palms. "No Dan, there's not going to be a future... Don't you see the pattern of this conversation? You ask me how it's going, I get upset, you tell me to be hopeful and I tell you that you're existing in a dream world."
He looked hurt...

sunday morning nataliedee.com


nataliedee.com

Saturday, March 24, 2007

the storm - doves

i put a stubby cigarette up to my lips and took in a drag. menthol and smooth... refreshing blend as per the package promise i read casually before i checked out the tar content. woof, don't look... these are much worse than the old ones i used to smoke...
Anthony tapped on the window and pointed a finger at me.
"What?! It's not in the goddamned house... leave me alone."
He began fighting with the window lock to pop it open. Struggling for a little bit I tried to coach him a little. "No, turn it left then push it up... UP! No, left then..." Gave up. For someone who had superior problem solving skills than me he wasn't very patient with mechanical applications. I turned back to my smoke and casually flipped through the pages of a DJ magazine i had picked up last time i took the bus into Toronto. Anthony came outside in running gear, no knee brace.
"Hey... you forget that you're old. Go get your brace or else you're going to be calling me from the sidewalk two houses down."
"I didn't bring my cell phone... it's too heavy."
"If you got a new one it wouldn't be a fucking 10 pound dead weight. Shit, that thing is like carting around half a phone book."
"It's not a high priority." He looked pissy and did a half-assed stretch.
"I gotta say, it's good that you're up and moving again at least."
"Don't. Don't start with this..."
"No, I'm not mad. Really." Long, deep drag. I casually twirled around my cigarette pack on the cool cement. Just to let him know it wasn't a few that I had got out of someone. It was the whole fucking pack. Well, what would have been a full pack and the other empty deck was jammed with a baggie of weed and a sweet little paper square of coke.
"Five months. You went five months without smoking and then you buy a pack out of spite?"
"I think they taste better with spite seasoning. Want to try? Come on, you might really like it." Waving it around a little he looked repulsed. "It's not like I'm coming at you with a piece of shit. Try it! Keep you thin and trim."
"Better ways to do that... Like exercise. Just MAYBE?!"
The magazine page made a sharp flipping noise. "Exercise will kill you too apparently."
"Don't... Fuck... F... Forget it. I'm out of here." He turned sharply to make a point and went rigid.
"Tisk, that must have been a sharp pain. Sharp AND stabbing? or just sharp?" He went to run and the left side of his body curved over. "Good one hop-along. Feel the burn!" Two more steps forwar and the curve became more pronounced.
"Anthony... Don't do it. Just come back." He straightened up and tried to look like it didn't feel like burning agony and he stopped at the end of the driveway. I quickly looked back at my magazine as he turned around. Quietly he came back only limping this time over to the stoop to sit beside me.
I worked on swallowing two lung fulls of smoke and blotted out the cigarette. "Kinda feels like a kick in the head to spend SO much time pulling on those gaylord spandex running pants for nothing huh?"
He put his head down to his knees. Prick was much more flexible than I could ever hope to be. I resisted the urge to yank out a strand of grey hair. That would just be overkill. He'd beat himself up mentally without much help from me.
My BlackBerry hummed on the stoop and began to do a little dance moving around. I popped it out of the carrying case and checked the call display. Elbowing Anthony he looked up to see a large screen lit up with "Dan" on it. He went to stand up suddenly to leave in a huff but didn't get far. Oh good... you're not going anywhere so I'm totally answering this!
"moshi moshi? hey... yeah? oh yeah? that sounds cute... hmm... well i did just eat. i guess i could do that. or... no that works for me. half hour? ok. lates."
Anthony still had his head down to his lap.
"Hey, I've never asked you... Can you like, blow yourself?"
"Shut. Up. Yoga is my relaxation exercise not some sicko sexual thing."
"Man, I'd never leave the house. I'm serious. I'd like to think that I wouldn't act like that, but it'd be a few weeks at LEAST. The novelty of being able to do it would be..."
He sighed. "What are you doing with Dan? Please tell me he's not coming over here."
"No, wouldn't dream of it. He'll come pick me up but he won't come in."
"Good."
"He'd probably be a good person to talk to about your injury... you... know... OK so it sounded like a stupid idea the minute I said it out loud."
He wrapped his arms under his thighs to hug himself a bit in his typical mildly autistic way. "Where're you going for dinner?"
"You're not invited."
he turned his head to look at me. "I know I'm not invited... Just wanted to know where you're going that's all."
"Sushi. Where else? You can't actually get up can you?"
"No... It's ah, it's pretty locked up right now. I think I'm on the verge of either a leg cramp or maybe it'll just fall off."
I stood up to line myself up in front of him. I crouched down with my knees and snapped my fingers to get him cognisant of what was going to happen. Deep sigh and he raised up his arms for me to fix my forearms underneath each armpit. "On three, lean GENTLY into me and try to push up into a standing position. One, two, threeeeeaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh!!!" He groaned and I was surprised how much weight he put on me even though he was clearly trying to do most of the work on his own.
"SHIT! you get physio paid for through work... You go on Monday or I'm going to leave you next time I see that you can't stand up." He looked a little dazed and I shook him a little.
"Don't go to dinner with Dan."
"what?"
"Sorry... I don't know why I said that."
"Seriously? If you don't want me to go I can call right now."
He looked into my face but I couldn't read him. "I'm fine. I'm fine and it's ok... Just don't listen to me."
Hobbling to back porch he went inside. I should have gotten him to take the magazine in... Smokes too. Dan'll kill me if he sees that I bought a pack, even if it was for a good reason.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

i had to edit this blog title because i kept getting google hits for @ssholes looking for the search term "sexy cutoffs"... sheesh

mix-o for a person-o who doesn't know-o... ah fuck it.

our robot masters... mix

cold war kids - we used to vacation
tokyo police club - citizens of tomorrow
ghostland observatory - sad sad city
tom waits - shoreleave
apostle of hustle - energy of death
the rapture - done gone do it
ratatat - tropicana
sloan - the lines you amend
radiohead - morning bell
...and you will know us by the trail of dead - claire de lune
esthero - lounge
the good, the bad and the queen - herculean
grizzly bear - central and remote
apostle of hustle - kings and queens
turin breaks - stone thrown
doves - the storm
gus gus - polyesterday
boards of canada - dayvan cowboy

Sunday, March 18, 2007

herculean

i shifted in a cross-legged pose on the floor. my leg would be numb soon but i couldn't bear to stretch loose... that and there wasn't any room. my arms stretched out to pop some air between joints and i yawned a little. as i leaned back i could feel squares of paper spin slowly as my jeans touched them. straightening up i looked around me... a radiating pattern of tiny hand-made paper squares surrounding the tiny space around me and my typewriter. i fished out a small flask of whiskey from my cardigan pocket and took a sip. too bad i didn't have enough sense to bring a pack of gum with me.
my inner dialogue had a conflict... you mean, you care more about a spongy square of gum than the fact that you've surrounded yourself with paper and poetry?
what's wrong with a little creativity?
it's 4am... and you've been doing this since 2 in the afternoon!
that's not crazy. that's just getting the creative juices flowing.
when was the last time you drank water? took a break? stood up? your knees are about to fuse together...
i have everything i need right here, except for the gum. rationed booze, typewriter and lots of little squares to fill up with words...
isn't it distressing to pour yourself into this all in one night?
rising to the occasion?
no, you're going nuts and you compulsively stayed up working on anxious bits of art.
ah, yeah that's one way of looking at it. i never get the house to myself, why can't i stretch out with no cats to fuck about with supplies? no roommate to grump about the clacking keys for hours... the vague smell of carbon paper and sand that the typewriter makes when it's been running too long... why not get it all packed into one night?

looking around if someone walked in, this would look like a whole mess of crazy. i twisted the silver cap off the flask again for a lip-searing gulp. now i feel a little shakey... a little worn out from throwing myself into 4 to 10 lines of poetry hammered out onto squares... wood cut-like images of crows, frogs and hunched over bears... all put on as i was driven by subliminal thoughts of you-know-who... thinking about you-know-what... going stark raving something... something...

Saturday, March 17, 2007

brown sugar & fig

"isn't it magic how your fuck up friends get forgiven minute by minute but you don't forget a god damn thing i ever did?!"
"This isn't a god damn thing, you... you..."
"come on, try to say something without swearing... i dare you to!"
he dug his thick finger tips into his face to suppress whatever he was about to spew at me.
"You know how desensitized i am to being in the dog house with you? it's meaningless! it's so fucking arbitrary that there's no point in trying to figure out what i did. i offended you in some horrible way... all this shit that you never let go that i never think was so bad..."
he sat back in the kitchen chair and looked at me with sleepy eyes. "I think we're having it out over something from before..."
"Say again?"
"I think we have latent arguments. we never fight it out when the moment's there... so it just gets delayed until something else sets it up."
"oo, that's a good call... I still stand by my original statement that I, I just can't GIVE a shit anymore when you're mad. I never really feel like I leave your radius of Shit Zone: population me."
He laughed a little and looked down at a humming cell clipped to his belt. "Can I take a rain cheque on having it out with you? you know, duty calls."
"Duty calls a lot these days huh?"
"When duty calls my name I don't have to think about this shit. Stay out of this fight with Lisle, it's our divorce, not everyone elses."
"Just trying to be an impartial third party Greg. I fully understand how it might have looked, but, come on. I'm not the gay one fucking the straight one, you know what I mean?"
He smirked at my true, albeit fucked up observation.
"If her goddamned piece of shit lawyer calls you again, DON'T TALK TO THEM. All I ask." He was flipping through the call display on his cell. I have to admit that he went out of his way to meet me in person and threaten me for talking to his ex wife's lawyer. yeah yeah, i know I'd freak too, but Greg was right. We always seemed pissed off at each other over something else. I guess that's the side effect of having your cousin grow up with you... You know that you're never getting rid of each other, but damn you're sick of their bullshit since you've seen it evolve over 30-some years.
"No talky-talk. Got it. Jesus, that's what I get for answering the phone and not screening."
"Alright, just... just I couldn't take it if you...."
"I"M NOT SIDING WITH HER! Out. You have some crisis unfolding at work you have to attend to." He lifted a finger with a puzzled look of gosh, how did you know there was trouble? GEE i dunno, lassie, how could i have figured that out?
"Psychic. I'm just psychic. Out. Call me if you want to play squash this week."
"Yeah yeah... Sorry I'll talk to you later."
"Send me an email, I'll get my receptionist to reply A-SAP."

"the rain comes through my jacket..."

Another piece of gum snapped and dripped in my mouth. i stuffed the soft squares into my open mouth to suffocate the screaming want for a cigarette. it felt bleak and tasteless rolling around in warm twists as i made more spit to chew on it.
the old phantom tastes came back into my thoughts. dead sensations that pounced on me as a tingling reminder that I was only turning my back to memories, not really leaving it behind.
my eyes pinched at the sides as i fretted. the taste of synthetic watermelon melted away to be replaced with metallic silt. blood in my mouth. not really, just the taste. the taste that was always there, i just did a good job hiding it deep down. no cigarette smoking just meant that I was fucked. the bloody pulp taste popped up and curdled my gut with every mouthful of spit i swallowed. if i fixated on it i would stop swallowing until i couldn't keep it in... if i swallowed it would keep flipping on my senses... the swallowed taste memories sending my stomach into shaking movements of fear and anxiety.... 20 and arched over a toilet after another 6AM shift on the ward. the skin on my knees pushing back as I ground them into the tiles. why did it have to taste like blood? why not the other major scents of shit, hot piss and medical taint of creams and other topical aids? just blood. just the one thing that made me twist and wretch everything that was in my stomach up into the bowl.
back to the now and back to the gum that was reaching cow cud proportions... i shook my head and looked down into my wallet. i definitely have enough to buy a pack of smokes. this isn't worth being in a lower risk category for strokes... i'll take it over receding into my coo coo-pants mind and memories.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

made you a cookie....


toothpastefordinner.com

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/your-cat-owns.jpg


toothpastefordinner.com

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/made-you-a-cookie.jpg

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

HA!

oh SHIT this is cute. i fucking KNOW you don't do it off the seat but, come on, this is just fucking good. why are all the good commercials outside of north america? oh right, they can do stuff like this

Saturday, March 10, 2007

typed with my thumbs...

I was home again from another blind date. I had ramped up my efforts to find a boyfriend but it all left me feeling devastated. Every lame date another pounding reminder that I wasn't going to find some nice boy to dupe into loving me. oh right. You're not supposed to make it sound like you're tricking them...
I came in furious with my face burning hot. I had sufficiently worked myself into a froth on the bus ride home... God help the next person that tried to talk to me.
I whipped my jacket across the sun porch and worked on ripping off my tie. I couldn't bear to throw it down in all it's vintage silk beauty so I rolled it up to tuck into my shirt pocket.
Anthony was working at the kitchen table and stayed quiet as I ripped around trying to find a glass.
"No point in asking you how things went is there?"
I gave up looking for my favorite wine glass and grabbed a sqat juice tumbler.being good I measured out less than a half a cup. I can just pour more when anthony goes to bed.
"I. Hate. Gay. Men.HATE THEM SO MUCH." Small sip as my other hand tried to unbutton my shirt.
"Ok, ill take the bait. What the hell happened?"
"Just another fucking tool who's more concerned over if we'd have a great combined income than if we're compatible. That & coffe shop boy orchestrated the whole blind date. What a fucking kick in the dick. I adore his personality so he sets me up with some fucking goof that spent all of dinner fantisizing about how to make more money. I have a hard-on for Noah based on the fact that he has a soul so to speak..."
Sip sip sip. Anthony didn't look too concerned, I think he was more releived that I wasn't trying to get back together with the Ex.
"I want to date someone who knows they're fucked up, but they want to work on it. Not just chucking meds down their throat or comsuming things to fill the void." I looked down at the mostly empty glass with the vapours of wine still wafting up.
"It's no big deal. The sooner I come to grips with operating as single for the rest of my lifen the sooner I can stop torturing myself." I stared forward and had a mix of lost and resigned plastered over my face.
"This is the part where you say fuck it and say you're going to jerkoff and go to bed..."
"Yeah you're right." I slipped out of the kitchen & made my way upstairs. What a horrible waste of time when I might as well stayed home to slink off to bed alone.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

"a shimmy and a shake, ah-oh, we're on top..."

hovering on the edge of dozing off and just relaxing i moved backwards into Nick's back. i could have purred as he rolled over to clutch at me like a body pillow. Even with his massive leg humped over my thigh pressing it down i felt safe and deliciously peaceful.
i had promised anthony that I wouldn't make contact with Nick for a good long while to avoid the whole toxic ex boyfriend juju. I hit my breaking point of celibacy and texted him on a night that I had the house to myself for the evening. He came straight over after his shift and had a knapsack slung over his shoulder. I had thrown on a sweater and jeans... coat still in his car as he pushed into the back sun room, god forbid the neighbours see. his mouth tasted cold from working in winter air all night doing a drunk driving roadside check. We never had much to talk about but I was keen to get him dragged upstairs to do what I had suggested via my message earlier this evening.
in the end it was the usual toe-curling adventure but i was surprised to feel him curl around me in a moment of wanting to be close. must have been a bad night... his hand pawed at the side of my hip to pull me in closer and this time i really did purr a little. Oh this is nice... Couldn't you just come over a few times a week to do this? How fucking lonely am i that i had to call up my definitely wrong for me ex boyfriend to skewer me into having some emotions?
He huffed a little and sighed. "Can't. Fucking. Sleep. Every... jesus..." His grip tightened on me and my eyes snapped open. There goes the moment.
I rolled over and moved back a little to look at him. "No sleepy makes for psycho cop, you know that."
"Yeah I know Nate. Just, wound up and shit. This was fun though."
"What's wrong? Your mini-me boyfriend not as much fun?"
"I'll take stable and boring personality types any day to date... the fucking on the other hand is a sad and timid affair. He doesn't mind shit like this since it means I won't pester him for a fuck this week."
"Ah, my mind rests easy if my ass feels worn out."
"I never got your sense of humour..."
"I know Nick."
"How about that blondie fag I saw you with last month at the sushi bar?"
"How about him what?"
"Who is he?"
"Chill out Serpico... Just a guy. You know.... Nothing to worry about." I shot him a disgusted look. "I'm not his type."
Nick looked down and looked at me in the oh-so-trite candle light.
"The ONLY reason I bring it up is... that you looked miserable around him. You're smiling but you had that heavy-eyed look you get when you stop talking. Like now."
My eyes snapped back up to look at him. I was a little more than pissed that he could spot my sad little echo act in a crowded restaurant but he was incapable of making any real semblance of interesting conversation.
"so what? I'm not his type."
"Ya, you SAID that. Makes it sound like you wish you were his type."
"You can't force these sorts of things, Nick."
"what's the appeal? You tend to go for the more, er," I reached behind him to grab a slathering hunk of ass to grip. "Er, a man that's more substantial."
"Hey, a boy can have a spectrum of cock interests, can't he?"
"Don't tell me... he's a fucking literary genius."
"NO Nick, he's not."
"Painter?"
"No!"
"Dancer?!"
Laughing I pinched his butt hard and let go. "ACTOR! He's a fucking actor."
"Haw haw, I just knew he looked cute but unemployable." I wasn't expecting it to wound me so much to have Nick mock my lust for the coffee shop boy, still, after all this time. Nick leaned in to catch my mouth before I could protest and we made out a little bit. it was good to kiss until we left the conversation behind us a little.
Pause and a chance to wiggle in close for some quiet time against a warm body.
"You don't... like boys THAT much."
"Huh?"
"You heard me... You like fucking men but you have little patience for them for the most part. What the hell is up with this one?"
"He's someone who's fucked up but who actually wants to do something about it... not like trying to figure out the universe, just trying to build and get things right the next time... around... look at you, you're staring at me like I have two heads."
"These are words I never really thought could come out of your mouth. Change? A man who makes you want to better yourself? Someone you want to... You fill in the blanks."
Sheepishly... "makes me want to... keep... bettering myself."
"I'm stunned... You? You the one who said you'd rather run yourself through with a butcher knife than get married to a guy? You who resist everything in a relationship that's stable and loving? I... I don't get it. Must be..."
"Must be a special guy. No. No he's not. He's just a guy. He's just a guy I have a crush on and that's all."
He looked stunned at my cold tone. "ho-kay, if you don't want to talk about it shall we get another round in? I figure it's better than trying to communicate."
"Sounds good to me."

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

3 BlackBerry's in 4 days. please let me keep this one...

i was wrist-deep into a stilton salad when avi paused between mouthfuls of lambchops to ask a pointed question. "So, do you have a new work husband yet?" I had jumped ship for a new job, but i had yet to figure out the actual job let alone find someone like my ex work husband. Scoff... "Hardly. Ya know, this is more the stage where I'm in the interview process for work boyfriends. Too soon, man."
He eyeballed our waitress who was talking to another table. We were imaculate weilding cutlery and could eat with the pickiest... we didn't impress each other, but it made for speedy and cunning consumption of fine meals. Nary a pinkie finger would lift but we had a natural rythm of stuffing our mouths and then pausing to set the fork down to the side. always on an angle down to the table. tip it up into the dish when you're done with it and don't acknowledge this action. oh god how i was ruined being beaten senseless by the lone relatives that had some class. never mind that they smacked the shit out of me to get that well trained.. no mind. back to the stilton salad.
Avi had silently negotiated another litre of wine for the table using only one hand and a polite grin. Our assorted chains to the office beeped or vibrated every couple of minutes, but we don't answer the phone on lunch. Admittedly i would rush out for a smoke as he ate dessert to check my BlackBerry and he frantically cascaded through his call list when i was away from the table. at least we went through polite motions of seeming civilized, or at the base of it, had ground rules for friendly meals.
Ignoring the pulse in my pocket i pushed around some leaves of salad. Avi split out the remaining portion of wine and shook his head. "No I understand the whole interview process. it's not easy finding that work spouse. Sometimes I wonder if i'll find a work wife with this new job. It's slim pickings."
"Not even a work husband?"
"Oh. Oh that's different. I totally have a work husband."
"Well... what the fuck! You don't get both!"
"I don't want to sleep with my work husband."
I strained my eye balls in a for real? open mouthed gasp.
"Nothing above the waist."
"OH how noble. Friction is the ultimate in passion."
"We're not talking about this... I mean, Mort is my work husband. For sure." Mort was the boss in the small PR firm that was looking after some tech firms in town. Only a touch of crag in the face, but i certainly would run away to Portugal for a few weeks with him... Which Avi had last year when they met at the bar. Avi was SUCH a good friend to come to the gay bar with me for moral support. Support that seemed to emerge when he had gone through a dry spell of no sex... no mind. He scored the jackpot and talked Mort into buying him a late night dinner to make him feel better about the blow job in his car. 4 hours of conversation later he had Mort email his travel agent to bring him along to Portugal for a few weeks. Avi quit his job and took off. Thankfully he kept talking for the remainder of the trip and reassured Mort that it wasn't too terribly retarded to let him work from the bottom up in his office.
From there he was a well-kept pet. he held his own in the office slicing throught the front desk operations to make it work instead of annoy people that walked in. Good lad worked hard but kudos to Mort for letting him progress normally, not letting occasional and intermitten requests for a hand job affect his judgement. sure cocksucking got him the job in the first place, but really, everyone has to get SOMETHING in the door initially to show you can get paid for SOMETHING.
"Mort is your office husband... if you get an office wife you're going to get fired."
"Oh I've thought of all this... I know I know... Fortuneately there's no one at work that I'd get all attached to. Just like I don't think you're going to replace your old office husband."
My fork dropped down and I sulked over the last dregs of my wine. "Thanks. I know."
Your office spouse should almost always be married or horribly attached in some way. They're that person at work you'd probably mate with given the chance, but deep down they'd probably piss you off just as much as anyone else you'd find in the dating world. Still! They pass the time in the office as you yak and chat and connect... You probably talk to them more than you'd ever talk to someone you're ACTUALLY dating. I loved my office husband in my previous job. Good looking and interesting? shut the fuck up. That's all behind me... At least this conversation served as a good reminder to actively look for a new gent to fill that void in the office.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

over it, in theory

"so much for quitting smoking huh?" Maggied came round the side of the house quietly and caught me outside puffing away at a cigarette.
"Anthony bought them for me."
"For real?!"
"I shit all over his head when we were shopping for new ties and he left me in harry rosen. i thought for sure he had dumped me at the mall, but he stomped back with a pack. funny, he even knew what I like."
Maggie's lighter popped open to flick a small wave of orange fire under her own brand.
"It's beyond me why you hide the fact that you smoke."
"No, more that I pick it up and drop it over and over again. really no point in announcing i've fallen off the wagon. might as well keep it consistently in the dark."
Exhale and a head shake. "Yeah you're right, it's definitely not faulty logic."
"Enough out of you.... sneaking around in the dark while an old man tries to have a moment of peace."
We shifted on an icy patch of snow and smoked quietly for a moment. Still some stars able to poke through in the night sky... faint winking points that never compared to what i was used to.
"Did you get kicked out of Harry Rosen for making a scene?"
"Fortunately no, i have a massive store credit there so they weren't in a rush to boot my ass out."
"What... what'd you say to Anthony?"
"He asked me if he looked good in light green and I said only faggots and italian gino's would like something in that shade and went back to picking through the ties."
"Owch."
"I was testy!"
"that's apparent nate. what a tool. I'd have left you there."
"You're forgetting the bazillion times you reared your pissy face at me."
"I know... that doesn't matter. do as i say, not as i do and all that stuff."
"Stuff eh? Lord. Finish that up and come in."
We hopped into the sun porch which had actually warmed up since i had been burning over 10 pillar candles in it for over an hour. i was burning incense and had been reflecting with a lo-fi record player turning out some destitute ninja tunes record i had since 1996.
"Booooohh my god! that's an old album. i didn't even think they printed it on records."
"I can't recall specifics, but it was most likely something i paid way too much for as a teenager, but in the end i'm enjoying a revival of this sort of stuff lately."
She dropped her coat in a heap and made her way over to the nest of pillows i had arranged. A joint. yes a joint must be had.
I dropped to my knees into the pillow pile and felt happy to see her. normally i was seething and annoyed when someone cut into my autistic alone time.
"You seem healthier. Maybe it's the candle light?"
"A bit. I'm over it... like, moving on and coping and all that fucking stuff."
She lit the joint and worked it over like a fine cigar. a ball of lucid curling smoke and it's my turn. "I..." exhale some more.... "I didn't know what to do with you."
"heh." puff puff ouf! that's strong. "Maggie I don't know what was the deal. I don't like boys THAT much."
"Dude, i know. this is why i was so, you know, fucking worried! Ha! I feel hyper! Oh! oh yeah, there's a lot of coke in this."
"my lips feel numb... i kinda pieced it together."
"You..." she brushed away the black [and now horrifyingly with strands of grey] hair that was falling into my eyes. "You really like that boy."
"No no, say liked. It makes it feel even more real when i hear it."
"No hope huh?"
"There never really was much in the first place. I fell for the good looks and then i stayed for the engrossing personality."
"Can't you find...Ah, judging by the look in your eyes, that's a no."
"The boy can walk the line between obscenely funny and dark through to being a little flake."
"You always were the closeted hippy weren't you?"
"Yeah, but i fucking hate hippies. almost as much as I hate gay guys."
"What a strange and angry world you live in."
"I need to be with a guy who doesn't freak out having to party outside of the gay scene... OH MAGGIE!" I put my hands up to my face. A Herbalizer song thumped out through the old speakers.
"Maggie, he's great but he's not for me. That's it, right? That's all there is to it."
"I guess it's good that you've come to this stage at least..."
"Yeah thank god I did. I still have a hardon for him, but come on, it's not in the cards. He's got a lot of hot actor's to fuck around with, why go for personality when you can just whack the nuts to some hot dude?"
"Gross!"
"Calm down..." I smiled at her and enjoyed the moment of not taking myself so seriously.
"I still want him, don't get me wrong, but I'm comfortable with the situation where i've attached myself to someone who has no attraction to me. it's my problem and it's time to get over it. now if only i could find a little tail to nail..."
"Good rhyme, but all of my little friends are crazy. I wouldn't set you up with them."
"What about a good lay, but crazy?"
"I'd have to think about it... it's still not an easy decision."
"I've got all the fucking time in the world to wait, believe me."

Thursday, March 1, 2007

"so check your jurisdiction if you want to be certain there isn't an ice pick out there with your name on it...."

my feet whacked out a steady pace on the treadmill. the row of tv's that was normally lit up was a row of black screens. there had been god only knows what kind of short circuit... probably the hot tub overflowed again. fortunately i didn't pay to get into the gym. anthony's previous man fling gave me a stack of free passes. just enough to satisfy the single digit cravings i had throughout the month to exercise.

dan was running -of course- on a ridiculous incline -of course- beside me and looked forlorn staring ahead with no television.

i watched his face reflect back on the screens and saw him reach over to tap me on the shoulder. my malingering neurotic traits rear their ugly faces under three circumstances: when someone interrupts a surgery/deformed baby story; when i'm late; and finally when someone gets my attention when i'm zoning out with headphones on.

since it was dan i didn't need to try and show much restrait. i growled like a feral cat backed into a corner and his hand jumped back. reaching down i paused the song i was listening to and looked at him. he looked concerned and a little scared, well trained by Anthony I'm sure to retreat when required.

"i... i'm..."
"don't say it... don't say it... i TOLD you to bring your mp3 player because I hate talking when i'm on a machine!"
he looked overly sad and looked a head.
great, you made big gym bunny tear up... "Dan, sorry... i'm all fucking..." i grunted as the pace picked up on the treadmill. stupid progressive program. "I'm just all fucking wound up since i'm trying to quit smoking. Look, i turned it off... let's... let's talk before i take a heart attack on this thing."
"The only thing that keeps me looking a head on this thing is the tv. i don't know what to do with myself for 2 hours without it!"
two hours? i'm not staying here 2 hours... i hope you have to wear a towel in the sauna. ughghghh... creepy old man titties...
"What do you want to talk about... i'm more in a... listening mood ya know?"
"I don't know if you know, but i'm seeing someone now."
"Oh yeah? that's good! who is it?"
"You don't seem surprised."
"What? You're just going to sit around and wait for Anthony to get back together with you? That's... st... stupid." i want your fucking problems. hot and taut body with equally dishy guys banging down his door
"that's what you think then, that it would be stupid for us to get back together again?"
"It... wasn't... healthy.... You wanted the little, you know, boy... boy to be social with. it wasn't for... anthony. Still... Shit!" I snapped the emergency off button. i was going to pass out if i didn't pick between breathing and talking or breathing and running. I slid slowly down the belt and Dan kept going. looking back up at the sceens i stared at him. "Not your fault Dan. You deserve what you want. You can't expect that out of Anthony, but you can't settle for something you're not totally happy with, ça va?"
He looked sad... why am i dealing with this? i'm going to collapse if i don't get a cigarette into me RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!
"But... I really like Anthony!"
heaving myself up and exhaling a hefty grunt i walked to the front of Dan's treadmill and shut it off. i watched him receded back and give me the hunky puppy look as i call it.
"Let's get out of here... Anthony's due to teach his class in 15 minutes and he'll kill me if he sees me here with you." shit, that was supposed to be an inside thought. god damn chemical detox messing with my brain
"He won't let you hang out with me!?"
His shoulders folded forward and he really looked like he was going to loose it.... face all pinched up and going red trying to hold it in.
"No! No, not like that... he'd just be bent out of shape if he knew i was hanging out with you."
He tensed up a little. "Meaning he'd be... jealous?"
i whipped my sweaty towel from my back pocket to wipe my face down and i gave a little scream into it. We need to get out of here... in, great, 10 minutes before dr. routine blows in here and whips my ass for playing gymbo patty cakes with Dan.
"Yo, Beefy Cakes, I'm running on, oh five hours of sleep and this is day two of fulling weaning myself off of cigarettes... and i would just." my towel twisted violently in my hands. "I would just about do anything to get a hold of one. you hear?"
Nodding. good boy
"Skip the shower, let's grab our bags and get some juice at the Rabbit Hole and talk some more."
"But we'll be sweaty and gr..." he was rethinking his whine. "I guess we can always walk back to my place from there. I was planning on going for a run tonight but I guess i can postpone it and run further tomorrow and,"
"Great! Fantastic! Fucking run all you want. Let's get out of here and you can plot out all the god damn gym routines you need!" Clearly he was still balancing his work out schedule in his mind as I shoved him towards the change room. 5 more minutes and then we run the risk of bumping into him in the parking lot hustling along we made an escape and i finally relaxed outside knowing that we were walking in the opposite direction than what Anthony would be driving.
"This is that time where I'm supposed to give you the Emergency Cigarette isn't it?"
"Yes poppet, it is. Hand it over."
"Here. I'm making you crazy aren't I?"
I wasn't listening. I was too busy sucking in a drag. fit faggots begone! leave me be and let me be a tubby old toad chain smoking with a glass of wine...
"It's sad you know..." I looked at the tip of the cigarette. "It's been so long since I got laid that this is more familiar than a blow job."
"How long?"
"Longer than you've ever waited for someone to give you head."
"Honestly!"
"October."
"NO!"
"Did that just blow your fucking mind? No sex for five months."
"Wow. I'm not even..."
"No I know, you're not even a whore."
"Thanks for filling in that blank. Now that you're getting nicotine, why won't..."
My eyes were rolling back. "Tell me why he would be mad that you're hanging out with me!"
"OH GEE DAN, maybe he doesn't want me hanging out with his ex boyfriend that he's not really talking to. Maybe? Maybe."
"It was his decision to end things..."
"After you slept with someone else!"
"Well... We hadn't been, you know, together for over a month. I just hate using the drunk excuse, but it happened. I wanted him to talk to me, but i just got fed up with everyting being hidden. For godssakes, he lives with you! Why wouldn't he be accepted if he came out?!"
"So you think he's 100% gay then?"
"No. But still! WE WERE DATING. Boyfriend and boyfriend. Everyone knew that's what was happening but still all this bullshit dodging around over who I could and couldn't drop hints about being gay around."
"Dan, what are you supposed to do in this case if you were Anthony. You've been straight to everyone you know, but you happen to fall for a dude.. a tat tat! don't interrupt! doesn't matter if he'll date a guy again, in this instance, he'd never done it before so it's a big deal."
"Why would he be ashamed of us?"
"Please, what are you supposed to do? Send out a change of mailing address card to all your friends telling them that you're a fag now? Do you just walk up to people who don't know and say, "listen, i'm sucking cock now and this is my man so, yeah, just wanted to let you know. It would be tricky. I don't know what I would do if i fell for a woman."
"Please, you're so gay..."
"Yeah, I'm down with the dick on a long-term basis for sure. But I've never been cocky and felt that maybe some day i might meet a woman i MIGHT be attracted to. Why couldn't it happen? Why would I assume it's impossible? I know i'm gay gay gay, but what if? you know... I'm not siding with him, he should have tried to work with you instead of resisting you the whole time. you probably should have broke up with him instead of pussing out and just cheating on him, ya know? oh god why is this cigarette over?"
Dan pulled out another on from the tin he was supposed to only keep one smoke in. "It's mostly weed but mixed with tobacco."
"I could just blow you right now to say thanks."
"Lovely. Here, it's on the house until I call in my bj IOU."
"bless... bless your little heart. you always knew how to kiss up to me didn't you?"