listening to: "yellow house" by grizzly bear

am i upset because no one gives a shit about what's happening with me, or is it more that i'm horrified how much i feel like i need people to care? i shouldn't help people under the hidden agreement that they have to help me some day down the line... i definitely shouldn't feel as adrift as i do with a whole lotta change coming up. but it does feel like some sort of retarded grieving process.

it's not even worth trying to plot it all out with elaborate metaphors or general statements that aren't deep down dirty suffering. just whining. all that stupid shit that we all feel, all the time... and anyone who doesn't feel it is either drugged up, in denial or has the money for good therapy. i'm definitely unloveable... not in the, oh! oh god, please tell me i'm not kind of way. i make it my mission in life to grant myself distance between people, but i guess some people just affect me deeply... a lasting little scar that i dwell on. it'll all pass, but i wish i had someone with me to pass the time with.

argh... so close

100 posts and mike still can't be bothered to read my blog

i was sitting up on the bathroom counter with the sides of my boxers hiked up to my hips and my face turned away. Maggie doused gauze with rubbing alcohol to rub down the tops of my legs. a spasm of pain twisted up in a little tip of pleasure. she cleaned everything down to a wet shine before chucking out the not-so-white square. it was soaked through with dark red and chocolaty grits from my miserable cuts.
"Enough, right?"
"Enough."
"Enough, why?"
"Enough because I'm retarded."
"that's right." She shook a brown glass bottle filled with tea tree, ceadar and lavender oil. It packed a heavy scent and my tongue involuntarily jutted out as i gagged.
"Reminds you of the hospital doesn't it? It's like the cleaner they'd put down when they were taking off blood. How strange that a chemical in a bottle smells like this. Well. You might as well get familiar with the scent again. Put this on three times a day. If it stinks, tough shit That's what you get."
My hand went up to protest for a moment and she shot me a look. Slowly I pulled my hand down. She doused the tops of my thighs in the oil and began rubbing it in brisk circles.
"I don't CARE if you say you were drunk. You made a mess... and you said you were over this shit."
"Relapse."
Her hand went up to waggle a finger at me when I blurted out, "So have you quit smoking yet?"
Hand goes down slowly. "Asshole."
"Look... It's a low blow. I just want you to see that... it can happen again I just don't want to make a huge deal out of this."
"This can't be the safety valve anymore. Like, it works. I know it works."
Under her jeans were fixed rows of lines that she had etched out with knives and hot lighters. Her anger was focused on enticing me to stop... probably more of a kick in the box for her to think about how easy it would be to lapse. lapse. listen to me. it's not fucking heroin.
I pulled my shorts back down and hopped into the open leg holes of my jeans.
"Josie's mad as hell at you. She won't stop calling my cell phone. I had to turn it off while I was in here."
"I know... I should appologize."
"Really? I think she should say sorry... All she can talk about is how you never hang out with her anymore and that stupid c-u-next-tuesday ex girlfriend of hers. It's not like she's tried to be there for you."
"You should word it exactly like that to her next time she calls."
"I'm not a fucking idiot. She'd rip my face off with her teeth if i said that to her."
"So? What now?"
"Give it a couple more days and I'm sure she'll just start throwing rocks into the windows."
I groaned and tightened up my belt.
"Nate, call her tonight. Ask her out for a coffee... No drinking, no drugs. If she can't get together without those things involved then just stay away."
"you sound like a probation officer."
"Only you would know what they sound like."
"Hey! He was a youth services worker!"
"Kiddie probation officer?"
"y... yeah. Yeah pretty much."
"I gotta get ready for class tonight. Fucking first year kids...."
"Teacher of the year."
"It's not my fault I like them when they've been weeded out in second year. admit it, undergrad turds only get better with age. shit, that's not saying much."
Maggie leaned in quickly to throw an arm around me and smooch the side of my head.
"You're the faggy little brother I always wanted."
"Aw, well you're the faggy older brother I always wanted... It was meant to be."
"Love you dollface. Call Josie!"
"Right right."

sad bunny

"i don't want to hear about your problems... you know? it's just that you're always down about this guy and it's not really a big deal... i don't think it's fair to compare you feeling sad about that verses me breaking up with Laurie. I actually HAD something with Laurie..."
I've tuned Josie out. I flip through the jukebox in my mind. i dream of genie theme song? purple haze guitar solo? how about something by tool? ok, let's go with stinkfist...
On went the song in my head. Josie was up and pacing around the sun porch and i dropped back into the music in my mind. my legs were a mess and i scraped at dried blood on top of my pyjama pants... as if it would come off with the ease of a scratching finger nail. i pulled my legs up and sat still on the couch as Josie paced up and down with a cigarette. her ranting cut through me in pulsing bodies of hate and miserable bitching. it only eased up when she paused to inhale or butt out the smoke before lighting another one.
tensing up was just going to make things worse... but it felt good to pull everything up close to my chest. josie didn't even want feedback. she wanted someone to shut their fucking mouth as she spewed reams of hate and anger. i couldn't even feel disdain for her anymore. i think i finally believed her when she said i didn't have a right to be sad.
the sadness was now just a cup of water dropped on a sketchy watercolour painting. it blured it all together... bullshit blending in with history... ache running into my own inadequacies.... all those over-wrought sentiments that just add up to being an eternal screw up. there. there it is. i couldn't get the crying out for more than a minute but now i'm shaking and my face is squeezing down hard. sniff and more tears. she doesn't even see me. i look down at my knees through opaque eyes glutted with water. i totally deserve this... i deserve wanting someone who i can't have... i deserve being this adrift and alone. it's everything that i've been working so hard to accomplish though a miserable life. i deserve these feelings but i don't deserve listening to Josie rant.... she spun around and saw me on the couch.
"Why do I put up with you? We're talking about MY problems!"
Wiping down my face i stood up and tried not to stretch out the scabs hidden under my pants. "You're right... you shouldn't put up with this." I stood up as if I was going to hug her but gripped her wrist hard and yanked it straight down. I wrenched the arm and pinned it against her back and pushed her towards the door.
"What? WHAT THE... Stop it!"
The screen door popped open from me shoving her into the handle. I heaved her outside and into the hedges. I'm sure in a week I'll think it's funny but i was high on the rush of agression. i walked back into the house and grabbed her purse and coat to toss on her.
"You're right Josie, I don't deserve Noah. I'm a worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve to be with someone so wonderful. You know how I know? Because you tell me every fucking time I see you. Go find someone else to shit all over I can't deal with it anymore."
"Nate! Wait!"
Too late. I slammed the screen door closed and pushed the wooden door shut to snap the deadbolts into place. I was huge. I was massive... I was a panting stack of anger not sure if i had enough control to chop myself up or if I should just put my fist through some drywall. Deep breath... in.... out... eyes open and I feel cold. really cold... sickly icy chill that's filling up my arms and legs... and the light around my eyes is fading into the middle and I can't see anything. am i fainting or having a panic attack? Can you have both at the same time? staggering down I sat on the ground and felt myself go limp. helpless and cold... Josie was pounding on the window but it was in the distance... far away from me and the shag carpet that I was flopping on in slow motion. i was curled up in a c and my pyjama pants were streaked with red slashes that came in cherry red tones and deepening into burgendy. what a mess....

how can this diet fail?

nataliedee.com


nataliedee.com

polydistortion

Maggie had taken residence in the house but had thus far kept Anthony happy by making him dinner each night and doing the dishes. she had an apartment in theory but her ex girlfriend was still living there and she didn't want to crash on the couch every night. why bother when you can shack up for some platonic sleeping arrangements?

We sat propped up in bed reading books and quietly passing back a joint secured with a roach clip. Maggie flipped to the last page of her book and sighed loudly. I flipped my book shut and looked at her as i tried to pass off the spliff.
"Good book?"
"Yeah... oh you know." She shut her book and held up my copy of "the woman who walked into doors" with a broken spine and tape looped around the back cover.
"Ah Roddy Doyle. Can't go wrong there."
"What're you reading?"
"'Maurice' by EM Forester."
"How posh...Love that dare not speak it's name with moustaches."
"Don't forget the angle of controversy surrounding fucking someone in the lower class."
"No we can't forget about that. Huh, I always appreciated the heartache in that story."
"Stop analyzing."
"I can't get too offended since that's coming from your mouth. Truth. You're reading that book to torture yourself with sad, sad sad love that can never be realized."
"Pure fluff. It's my version of a romance novel."
"Terse passion that collapses under social pressure to conform? How about the side of not getting the man of your dreams but something better comes along? That's a nice little angle right there."
I gave her a severe look. "It's too late. We should go to bed."
"I'm just going to keep talking about it even if you turn the lights out. I'm not a fucking budgie, i don't get silent when there's a blackout."
I opened my mouth, but i shocked myself when nothing came out and i felt the sweeping urge to loose it. Maggie cast open an arm to pull me in and i let it go. er, as much as i can let go.
"Dude... Honey... light of my fucking life as of this week... I've never seen you like this. All teasing aside you're just one big heap of ache."
I took in a shallow breath and nodded. "It's so... silly. I just want to curl up into myself and wait for him to disappear."
"Why would you want someone you're so attracted to further away from you?"
I shook a little trying to bottle it all up. "I can't have someone like that. I can't imagine anyone like that wanting to be with me. What can I give someone who makes me feel so little?"
"How can any dude hold that much power over you? You never get snakey like this... the boys are usually the ones trying to hang on to you and they do all the screaming and crying."
"It's not power... I guess... I guess it's power to the extent that I let it enter my mind so much." i'm really going to loose it now. "I don't deserve anyone like that. i look at him and it's shit i didn't think i wanted. i didn't think i'd want to be this nurturing partner... just anything to show him i care...."
"You're rambling... god listen to you. Sorry sorry... I'm not being harsh, i'm just... It's not you Nate."
"I want... I want to date someone who's not perfect, but they're working on making things better in the long run. I want to be with someone i can finally learn from instead of just having someone to throw me down and just fu..."
"Yes! yes i know..."
"You know my thoughts on gay people..."
"Yeah, you hate gay people but you like to fuck them."
"Right... exactly. so i bump into a boy that has more going on than looks. i don't understand it... i talk to him and i want to eat it all up. i want to listen and look after him. But... and there's always a but. But what would someone like him want with me? why would he want to go out with me when he has a world of writers and artists who're better suited. This is just a stupid crush and i know it's not going anywhere..." I sniffed deeply and maggie rested her head on mine.
"You're torturing yourself. i know people keep telling you this, but i don't think you understand. you're a nice dude, you're just in love with this notion that somehow Nathan is untouchable."
"Look at me! I'm pushing 30 and talentless... I'm not the man you tote around at cocktail parties. I get upset thinking about how much i want to be with him... and just be there for him more than i've ever wanted to invest in a relationship... And how i've never felt this before so it's a good kick to the head to want to unleash all of this but... but it's never going to happen. Sometimes I think I'm over it... and then... then i wind up in my boxer shorts crying in bed with a transient lesbian."
"Queer... I prefer queer to lesbian."
"Oh... right. Sorry."
"I dunno dude... I think you have a lot to give to a man. I know you'll get over this. just, i look at you and all i can feel is how you're hurting. it's no ones fault. you're just out of sync right now. in the meantime, geeze you really need to take it easy on yourself. you've always been so happy go lucky being single, don't change that. you can survive on your own, but not when you're constantly second-guessing yourself. it's cheese but true. Noah thinks highly of you as a friend just don't push him away in some retarded attempt to seek closure in a hurried fashion."
"I won't... I'm glad to get a friend out of this... you couldn't ask for a cooler person to meet up with and talk to. Just... just have to get over this bump where I feel attracted to him. I'm not going to attack him to see what'll happen... i'd rather never know either way just to keep him close as a pal. You don't get to meet a man like that often."
"You sound sane now, but you're probably feeding me the info you think i want to hear."
"Yeah, a little, but don't you think that i'll absorb some of this advice by proxy?"
"Little bits here and there. you're just going to bury your feelings to keep the status quo in the end."
"I'm willing to sacrifice a little bit of myself to absorb and give back to him."
"HA! HIPPY SPEAK! Energy? Hmmm? He gives you good feelings and you wanna work towards giving that back to him...." She hugged me. "It's fantastic that you still have the urge to give in you after the droogs parade of men you've been with who sucked the life right out of you. Do you... you know... think about him when you jerk off?"
"Initially yes... but..."
"But..."
"It doesn't get the job done."
"ahh ha ha.... if you can't even wank to the thought of him... ew, ew god it has to be love."
I sat up and looked at her with a faint smile and watery eyes. "Let's go to bed. I can't talk about this any more. Therapy's over."
The light clicked off and we nestled down. Soon after Maggie tapped me with her foot. "You know you're worthy enough to date him. Don't talk down to yourself like that."
"Great. I'm worthy but he's not interested. it's all so noble and sad and shut the fuck up so we can sleep."
"Good night John Boy."
"G'nite. thanks for the talk. i'm ok seriously. he'll just be the template for the guy i'd like to be with for a long time. it can't be him, but i can try to find that in someone else right?"
"Ummhmm, it's true. You will find him... just... just wish it could all work out."
"Me too, but hey, it can't be simple right?"
She wiggled into my back and draped and arm over my side. i still felt emotional but the most i could work out were a few misplaced tears running cold down my face in that oh so trite poetic way. i don't deserve someone like him... that's the beginning and the end of it.

"joxer the mighty...roams through the country side..."

"Maggie, are you going to leave to go on another adventure?"
"Ass, you know that the Littlest Hobo only left when there was a resolution. That's Hobo Law."

We laughed... both products of childhoods sans cable. we had channel 3, channel 5, channel 7 and then 9. 11 and 12 were just different versions of 9. Channel 5 was everything to us and we were enriched from years parked in front of the CBC unless it was to watch classic re-runs on 3. The balance between being taught the basics of arts and crafts with Mr. Dressup and the eerie episode knowledge of I Love Lucy, Leave It to Beaver, Mork and Mindy and All in the Family. Of course there's more... more more more shows with fuzzy colours from the 70's... black and white tones and my secret desire for the professor from Gilligans Island. All shows that my parents had long seen, but they formed the better part of my time in the 80's. My parents glibly let me watch all of it and didn't drop the hammer when i stayed up until 4 am in the summer months during grade school watching the heady line up of Knight Rider, Magnum PI, Perry Mason, Emergency, Gilligans Island, The Munsters and a whatever show was tacked on the end as i was passing out in the recliner chair. i can't even profess enjoying television now other than what i wind up buying on dvd to watch on my own time schedule.
The 90's were equally good on me... Xena and Hercules offered up on channel 3 was ready soft-core porn for a teen baby queer. men running around in leather with sticks and unwieldy hard weapons? Okay, yeah I'm there...
It's elitest to try and differentiate between a childhood with and without cable... Maggie and I got the shit kicked out of us for various reasons, one being totally out of the loop on what was popular. Punky Brewster kiss my ass... Anway, miscreants to our peer groups, but always impressing the older set with our reams of Andy Griffin show trivia or knowing who exactly was Mr. Mooney and why he was trapped in a bank vault with Lucy.
Comfort on the couch and the silent tv in front of us. a nice break from my usual cycle of loathing and morose contemplation....

revenge of the mooninites

i sat out on the front stoop having a cigarette. it was sunny but not that obnoxiously bright kind that kept me inside and hissing like a vampire. josie sat on the bottom landing cross-legged flipping though a magazine with a bandaged hand. she let smokey mouthfuls escape in thick puffs and occasionally reached for a coffee.
the soft pounding of feet on sidwalk came around the corner and up the driveway. Anthony had been out for a run and hadn't expected to see us up so early. he was lightly out of breath but certainly wasn't on the verge of collapse.
"You two are up early!"
"We just got in 20 minutes ago."
"Oh, that's not nearly as impressive. Wow, your coffee smells amazing... give that to me."
He stepped over Josie to get closer to my hand reaching out. "That's divine. Let me have..."
"Wait!"
"Ugaahh! That's full of booze!"
"Tried to warn you... pretty good tho."
"God I'm going to puke... it's 9AM and you're still drinking?"
"Just a tying things off before I find the desire to sleep."
He looked down at Josie who was doing her best to ignore him.
"Should I ask about the hand?"
"We were playing Sailors Poker..."
"That being...?"
"Where you go between someones out spread fingers with a knife... and they loose when you..."
"Oh. Oh my god! you two are retarded! So you were drunk and tring to wield a knife on your friends hand?"
I held up my hand that had been curled around to grasp a cigarette. a torn red line sat neatly in the middle. "Josie was trying to play The Crucifixion with me so to keep it fair I got to play Sailors Poker."
"My instinct says that The Crucifixion is just Josie stabbing you in the middle of the hand with a knife."
"That would be correct. You win if you manage to stab the person in the foot when they're not paying attention."
"You're monsters... Let me through I need a shower."
"Maggie is probably still in there getting hosed off. Just don't be scared if she's wandering the halls nude."
Anthony quickly sat down on the stoop with me. "No thanks, I've ran into her naked before. I'll just sit tight until she comes out."
"Sure you don't want another sip... it's pretty good. Chai tea extract with dark roast coffee."
Sour little look. "No! It's too early."
"Suit yourself."

"Hooray for porn! Down with unrequited love!"

"you're still here? thought you were going out tonight?"
"I thought better of it. Maybe you and I could learn to crochet tonight?"
"oh my god... you're staying in on a friday night to learn how to knit?"
"Well it's a good call on my part! If I go out with The Boy I'm just going to feel despondent and sad. So here I am for the evening."
"I already made plans to go out with Leah for sushi...." he looked away in that awkward fixed expression of please, please, please don't invite yourself along on my date....
"Sounds good... Have a good time."
"What will you do all night?"
"Probably try to learn how to do this and then get so frustrated that I throw it away..."
"And after that?"
"Roll around nude on your bed."
"That's not even funny."
"Kinda is man. you know, it kinda is."
"Can you fix my hair before I take off?"
"It looks fine... needs to get cut through. I'm sick of looking at hippy-head."
The doorbell rang.
"Must be Leah..."
He casually walked for the front door, never the type to rush to bring a woman in from the cold.
"Oh... Oh! I haven't seen you in ages!"
I sat up to see who was there and felt happy to look at Maggie making a surprise visit.
"Hey hey boys, sorry for the drop-in. Just woke up at my friends place down the street so I thought I'd cold-call you."
Maggie had been a cronie from university that I had worked with at the porn store. She pulled off a tight knit toque and scratched at the back of her shaved head.
"This looks... comfortable. What you're knitting now? What are you depressed or something?"
"How'd you know?" I feigned shock and stretched out my limbs. she came to the couch and laid on top of me.
"Oh hollow and sad soul... he knits to escape the mundane reality of life..."
"That and I thought it would be cheaper to make blankets for christmas gifts... This is more pending for a couple Christmases from this year of course."
She shook her head and seemed comfortable to sit on me and relax.
Anthony had always been scared of Maggie since high school. Apparently she raved with Anthony's sister a lot and was a formidable lesbian monster towering in platform shoes and half-metre long dreadlocks. She was tame now, but still a gypsy moving in and out of my life.
"How's The Littlest Hobo doing these days?"
"TA'ing at the university. Can you believe it? I've sold my soul AGAIN to that school."
"at least it's keeping you busy."
"I haven't seen you out photographing the Arts department fundraisers lately. Just that twat Jason's little boyfriend. They're rotten, Nate. Just these off-kilter pictures of men under 28. That's it. So there's like 10 pics to choose from and none of them the people who donate money. Can you get that? Sheesh..."
"Jason fired me from it... He wanted jail bait boyfriend to get the job."
"Well I wouldn't be surprised if he gets fired from it soon. Even the jail bait boy's mom isn't impressed."
"Yeah I'll be waiting by the phone for them to offer me the job again."
The doorbell sounded off again and Anthony sauntered over. Probably listening in to Maggie and I from the obscurity of the kitchen...
This time it was Leah and he didn't even let her in. "Come on let's go get dinner."
"BYE BYE!!!!" Anthony didn't even acknowledge Maggie and I screaming and locked the door behind him.
She propped herself up to look down at my face. "Truth or dare, is it just me or have you been to 10+ shows of "Equus" at the Halland Theatre?"
I had nothing to say other than be gob-smacked with a stupid look on my face.
She laughed and sat up between my separated legs. "Don't get too creeped out. I'm dating a girl in the show so I've been to a slew of shows. I've seen you across the lobby every time but I never make it over to you before you're out the door."
"Ah... yeah I know someone in the play too."
"Really? Small world! Who is it?"
"The guy who plays Martin Dysart."
"Noah? Sheeeeeeit, nicest fellah ever. I go out for drinks with him and Martha after the show all the time. Why didn't you stick around to go out after."
Blink blink.
"This is one of those unintentional awkward conversations isn't it?"
"Mmhmm..."
"one where I put you on the spot, force you to tell me about it and then you feel better?"
"No this is one where I don't tell you anything and you put the pieces together on your own."
"One of those, er, gettin' sick of telling it over and over again situations?"
I tapped the side of my nose. "You got it."
She respectfully paused and leaned back to the opposite end of the couch from where i was propped up. She took the time to flit through some magazines on the coffee table and clear her throat before blurting out, "You love him!"
"No! God damn it... no. You can't love someone you've never been with. It's not love it's misplaced desires for someone who's not into you."
"Love sounds better."
"Love sounds like something that I'm not experiencing here."
"You know..."
"Yes I know he's seeing someone."
"Shit, thank god I didn't have to be the one to tell you. would you be mad if I said I wasn't surprised you were into him?"
"No, just a little more heartbroken and sad."
"You're pretty similar, but different people. I dunno, that's a shitty way of explaining it."
"He's nice. He's smart. He's not interested."
"Not exactly the combination you're looking for. Still, I'll keep you posted if he breaks up with..."
"Don't! Don't even bother. I'm just trying to cauterize this wound over him so there's no need to keep me up to date on if he's unavailable or if he's available and still not wanting to fuck me."
"right right right... Ok no more updates. Did you actually say something to him about how you feel? Don't give me that dirty look like I told you something awful!"
"Maggie, look, I'm a fucking troll. I'm not going to compete for his affections. I can't run with someone like that... Enough enough enough."
"Ok, ok chill. I don't like the idea of you sitting here paralyzed by depression."
"I wouldn't say it's as heavy-handed as depression. Think more "calm sadness" and less "suicidal maniac". You know I can't get too out of control over someone."
"Liar. Jean."
"OH YOU BRING THAT UP?"
She rolled her head back to laugh. I'm not used to someone taking the piss out of me like I do to other people.
"Eighteen! First year university! Third ever person I slept with! Give me a tiny bit of slack."
"Yes yes that one's not fair. Just don't pretend like you're incapable of going fucko nuts over a man."
"It's not like that with this one. I..." Fidgeting with the zipper on my sweater I looked down. "I just find it overwhelming to meet someone who makes me feel like throwing myself into his arms. It's never happened. I've never met someone I could feel like settling down with willingly... I don't know what's up."
"You? Settle?"
"Oh yeah... If he went out with me and wanted to go to couples therapy I'd be right there."
"Shut the fuck up, you would not."
No words just my eyes looking honestly at hers.
"Son of a... Wow, I don't see you for 8 months and all this shit comes down on your head. Maybe you should tell..."
"NO! If he was interested he would have shown something."
"You never..."
"No. Not interested in me."
"Aw, that's shitty."
"Hey, most people just tell me to shut up and get over it. I like absorbing a little sympathy."
Maggie sprang to life to flop back onto my chest. "Poor baby."
"Ahh... yeah I can get used to this." I rubbed at the back of her puppy fuzz shaved head and pushed the longer hair in the front over her ears.
"Well how do you know he doesn't like you?"
"Because he always has a prospective man in his life that I could never compete with. I'd much rather find a new friend than put my head on the chopping block over this. I don't want an awkward situation, I'd rather keep a fascinating person in my life."
"Nothing ventured..."
"Nothing strained..."
"Smarty-pants."
"Thank you. Now let's get a glass of wine and have a smoke. This is just bullshit sitting around without something to drink."
"I guess I could let you up for that."
She sat up and looked at me with a hopeful smile. "You're going to be fine."
"Thanks, doctor."
"You're resolute in your failure but you're clearly going to be fine regardless of the outcome."
"no more talk of this! Let us wax over fine evening shifts selling pornography!"
"Hooray for porn! Down with unrequited love!"

"i'll keep you in my locket... a string i never strung"

mix - revised! (slightly)

wilco - pot kettle black
doves - here it comes
longwave - exit
ambulance ltd. - sugar pill
tapes 'n tapes - in houston
the dears - hate then love
the stills - animals & insects
beck - dark star
phoenix - if i ever feel better
final fantasy - the cn tower belongs to the dead
kings of convenience - misread
jim guthrie - so small
tapes 'n tapes - the illiad
the walkmen - the rat
...and you will know us by the trail of dead - witches web
jason collett - blue sky
emily haines & the soft skeleton - our hell
lcd soundsystem - tribulations
billy bragg & wilco - one by one

"i press my hands to my ears..."

BLAH

winter shadows


mail slot shot


poor kitty.... tough life


MISTER.


i love the colours in my townhouse

winter gala... fun-fun tyme

"what else can i do?" blight takes all ...and you will know us by the trail of dead

"heart in the hand of the mat"

"You look nice today..."
"Thanks!"
"Where're you off to? It's Saturday afternoon... Normally you're drunk on your web cam by now."
"Daddy 'n Son luncheon at the Radisson."
"Right." He went back to his book. "Wait, where are you going?!"
"Daddy 'n..."
"Yeah I heard you but what's that?"
Knock at the door. I screamed a little and bounded off to let Gord in. Always outrageously handsome and serious looking on the outside, but a smug kidder when you know him a bit better. He reached down to give my rear a little squeeze and I graciously wiggled closer to grind into his thigh a little.
"My, you look nice today."
"I never get tired of hearing that."
"Thanks for being a last minute sub in for me, but somehow I can't fathom it being a tough sell for you to flit around a room with older guys."
"And there's food too! They make these little sushi wraps, SO GOOD. and the wine list is stellar for a local restaurant."
He gave me a comfortable little hug and smooched the top of my head.
"You're pretty cute sometimes."
"And hairless."
"Oh you didn't have to darling! You know I'm happy with you as-is."
"Josie's friend Penn owed her some cash... Josie owes me some money yadda yadda. So I got the Top to Bottom package for free!"
"You're going to be pretty itchy in a week, but the initial result arguably is worth it."
Anthony had come up behind us to drop dishes off in the kitchen and was frozen mid step hearing about how smooth my manbits were.
"Gord, this is Anthony. Anthony, Gord. This is who I'm going to the Daddy luncheon with."
"Aw that's nice! Are you two... like, Big Brothers or something? Or were in the past?"
AWKWARD SILENCE GOES HERE.
Gord looked at me concerned and I wasn't sure if I should tell the truth or try to sugar coat it. Gord jumped in quickly. "It's... it's a lunch for friends to get together... with... their younger..."
"It's for older gay dudes who like banging the nuts to younger dudes."
"Yes. Yes, what Nathan said. But more like we're getting together to have a social lunch with our dates. Just an open forum where it's not a big deal if we're with a younger, albeit LEGAL boy toys."
I enjoy busting the little bubble Anthony lives in. The look on his face was one of discomfort but I know he always thought Gord was a good looking dude. He never came out and said it, but I knew.
"OK so I'm just going to assume that this is a good time and leave it at that."
"Hey! Come with us! It's not like we're slipping around on rubber mats fisting asses the whole time."
"Yes that's after dessert. Kidding! Kidding darling. Oh my, you scare easily."
"No I better stay around here."
"They're serving the little tiny crepes with the duck meat you like from the restaurant."
"oh?"
"Yeahuh. With the goat cheese... and you get to spend an afternoon with men under 40 telling you how hot you are. You could finally get that provider you've been looking for."
"That's... it... it sounds "fun" I guess but not for me. Can you bring me one back?"
"Fuck you, you want the quack crepe you come with."
"Pass."
"Suit yourself. I think we're going golfing after the luncheon so I won't be right home."
"Where?"
"Falcon Cliffs... All the drinks are comped." He looked closer still to coming with us.
Gord felt bad that we were squabbling and stepped in. "Anthony, I have to level with you. This is a get together for old fags to show off the hot boys they can bring along. Nothing sketchy... No different that going to a country club and watching men parade around trophy wives."
I leaned forward and whispered not so quietly, "I'm chubby but I have a winning personality... And duck crepes."
He was thinking about it... But personal standards for morals always wins out. I can't wait to see the food for this thing....

you can't spell cope without a little bit of hope