over it, in theory

"so much for quitting smoking huh?" Maggied came round the side of the house quietly and caught me outside puffing away at a cigarette.
"Anthony bought them for me."
"For real?!"
"I shit all over his head when we were shopping for new ties and he left me in harry rosen. i thought for sure he had dumped me at the mall, but he stomped back with a pack. funny, he even knew what I like."
Maggie's lighter popped open to flick a small wave of orange fire under her own brand.
"It's beyond me why you hide the fact that you smoke."
"No, more that I pick it up and drop it over and over again. really no point in announcing i've fallen off the wagon. might as well keep it consistently in the dark."
Exhale and a head shake. "Yeah you're right, it's definitely not faulty logic."
"Enough out of you.... sneaking around in the dark while an old man tries to have a moment of peace."
We shifted on an icy patch of snow and smoked quietly for a moment. Still some stars able to poke through in the night sky... faint winking points that never compared to what i was used to.
"Did you get kicked out of Harry Rosen for making a scene?"
"Fortunately no, i have a massive store credit there so they weren't in a rush to boot my ass out."
"What... what'd you say to Anthony?"
"He asked me if he looked good in light green and I said only faggots and italian gino's would like something in that shade and went back to picking through the ties."
"Owch."
"I was testy!"
"that's apparent nate. what a tool. I'd have left you there."
"You're forgetting the bazillion times you reared your pissy face at me."
"I know... that doesn't matter. do as i say, not as i do and all that stuff."
"Stuff eh? Lord. Finish that up and come in."
We hopped into the sun porch which had actually warmed up since i had been burning over 10 pillar candles in it for over an hour. i was burning incense and had been reflecting with a lo-fi record player turning out some destitute ninja tunes record i had since 1996.
"Booooohh my god! that's an old album. i didn't even think they printed it on records."
"I can't recall specifics, but it was most likely something i paid way too much for as a teenager, but in the end i'm enjoying a revival of this sort of stuff lately."
She dropped her coat in a heap and made her way over to the nest of pillows i had arranged. A joint. yes a joint must be had.
I dropped to my knees into the pillow pile and felt happy to see her. normally i was seething and annoyed when someone cut into my autistic alone time.
"You seem healthier. Maybe it's the candle light?"
"A bit. I'm over it... like, moving on and coping and all that fucking stuff."
She lit the joint and worked it over like a fine cigar. a ball of lucid curling smoke and it's my turn. "I..." exhale some more.... "I didn't know what to do with you."
"heh." puff puff ouf! that's strong. "Maggie I don't know what was the deal. I don't like boys THAT much."
"Dude, i know. this is why i was so, you know, fucking worried! Ha! I feel hyper! Oh! oh yeah, there's a lot of coke in this."
"my lips feel numb... i kinda pieced it together."
"You..." she brushed away the black [and now horrifyingly with strands of grey] hair that was falling into my eyes. "You really like that boy."
"No no, say liked. It makes it feel even more real when i hear it."
"No hope huh?"
"There never really was much in the first place. I fell for the good looks and then i stayed for the engrossing personality."
"Can't you find...Ah, judging by the look in your eyes, that's a no."
"The boy can walk the line between obscenely funny and dark through to being a little flake."
"You always were the closeted hippy weren't you?"
"Yeah, but i fucking hate hippies. almost as much as I hate gay guys."
"What a strange and angry world you live in."
"I need to be with a guy who doesn't freak out having to party outside of the gay scene... OH MAGGIE!" I put my hands up to my face. A Herbalizer song thumped out through the old speakers.
"Maggie, he's great but he's not for me. That's it, right? That's all there is to it."
"I guess it's good that you've come to this stage at least..."
"Yeah thank god I did. I still have a hardon for him, but come on, it's not in the cards. He's got a lot of hot actor's to fuck around with, why go for personality when you can just whack the nuts to some hot dude?"
"Gross!"
"Calm down..." I smiled at her and enjoyed the moment of not taking myself so seriously.
"I still want him, don't get me wrong, but I'm comfortable with the situation where i've attached myself to someone who has no attraction to me. it's my problem and it's time to get over it. now if only i could find a little tail to nail..."
"Good rhyme, but all of my little friends are crazy. I wouldn't set you up with them."
"What about a good lay, but crazy?"
"I'd have to think about it... it's still not an easy decision."
"I've got all the fucking time in the world to wait, believe me."