sad bunny

"i don't want to hear about your problems... you know? it's just that you're always down about this guy and it's not really a big deal... i don't think it's fair to compare you feeling sad about that verses me breaking up with Laurie. I actually HAD something with Laurie..."
I've tuned Josie out. I flip through the jukebox in my mind. i dream of genie theme song? purple haze guitar solo? how about something by tool? ok, let's go with stinkfist...
On went the song in my head. Josie was up and pacing around the sun porch and i dropped back into the music in my mind. my legs were a mess and i scraped at dried blood on top of my pyjama pants... as if it would come off with the ease of a scratching finger nail. i pulled my legs up and sat still on the couch as Josie paced up and down with a cigarette. her ranting cut through me in pulsing bodies of hate and miserable bitching. it only eased up when she paused to inhale or butt out the smoke before lighting another one.
tensing up was just going to make things worse... but it felt good to pull everything up close to my chest. josie didn't even want feedback. she wanted someone to shut their fucking mouth as she spewed reams of hate and anger. i couldn't even feel disdain for her anymore. i think i finally believed her when she said i didn't have a right to be sad.
the sadness was now just a cup of water dropped on a sketchy watercolour painting. it blured it all together... bullshit blending in with history... ache running into my own inadequacies.... all those over-wrought sentiments that just add up to being an eternal screw up. there. there it is. i couldn't get the crying out for more than a minute but now i'm shaking and my face is squeezing down hard. sniff and more tears. she doesn't even see me. i look down at my knees through opaque eyes glutted with water. i totally deserve this... i deserve wanting someone who i can't have... i deserve being this adrift and alone. it's everything that i've been working so hard to accomplish though a miserable life. i deserve these feelings but i don't deserve listening to Josie rant.... she spun around and saw me on the couch.
"Why do I put up with you? We're talking about MY problems!"
Wiping down my face i stood up and tried not to stretch out the scabs hidden under my pants. "You're right... you shouldn't put up with this." I stood up as if I was going to hug her but gripped her wrist hard and yanked it straight down. I wrenched the arm and pinned it against her back and pushed her towards the door.
"What? WHAT THE... Stop it!"
The screen door popped open from me shoving her into the handle. I heaved her outside and into the hedges. I'm sure in a week I'll think it's funny but i was high on the rush of agression. i walked back into the house and grabbed her purse and coat to toss on her.
"You're right Josie, I don't deserve Noah. I'm a worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve to be with someone so wonderful. You know how I know? Because you tell me every fucking time I see you. Go find someone else to shit all over I can't deal with it anymore."
"Nate! Wait!"
Too late. I slammed the screen door closed and pushed the wooden door shut to snap the deadbolts into place. I was huge. I was massive... I was a panting stack of anger not sure if i had enough control to chop myself up or if I should just put my fist through some drywall. Deep breath... in.... out... eyes open and I feel cold. really cold... sickly icy chill that's filling up my arms and legs... and the light around my eyes is fading into the middle and I can't see anything. am i fainting or having a panic attack? Can you have both at the same time? staggering down I sat on the ground and felt myself go limp. helpless and cold... Josie was pounding on the window but it was in the distance... far away from me and the shag carpet that I was flopping on in slow motion. i was curled up in a c and my pyjama pants were streaked with red slashes that came in cherry red tones and deepening into burgendy. what a mess....