polydistortion

Maggie had taken residence in the house but had thus far kept Anthony happy by making him dinner each night and doing the dishes. she had an apartment in theory but her ex girlfriend was still living there and she didn't want to crash on the couch every night. why bother when you can shack up for some platonic sleeping arrangements?

We sat propped up in bed reading books and quietly passing back a joint secured with a roach clip. Maggie flipped to the last page of her book and sighed loudly. I flipped my book shut and looked at her as i tried to pass off the spliff.
"Good book?"
"Yeah... oh you know." She shut her book and held up my copy of "the woman who walked into doors" with a broken spine and tape looped around the back cover.
"Ah Roddy Doyle. Can't go wrong there."
"What're you reading?"
"'Maurice' by EM Forester."
"How posh...Love that dare not speak it's name with moustaches."
"Don't forget the angle of controversy surrounding fucking someone in the lower class."
"No we can't forget about that. Huh, I always appreciated the heartache in that story."
"Stop analyzing."
"I can't get too offended since that's coming from your mouth. Truth. You're reading that book to torture yourself with sad, sad sad love that can never be realized."
"Pure fluff. It's my version of a romance novel."
"Terse passion that collapses under social pressure to conform? How about the side of not getting the man of your dreams but something better comes along? That's a nice little angle right there."
I gave her a severe look. "It's too late. We should go to bed."
"I'm just going to keep talking about it even if you turn the lights out. I'm not a fucking budgie, i don't get silent when there's a blackout."
I opened my mouth, but i shocked myself when nothing came out and i felt the sweeping urge to loose it. Maggie cast open an arm to pull me in and i let it go. er, as much as i can let go.
"Dude... Honey... light of my fucking life as of this week... I've never seen you like this. All teasing aside you're just one big heap of ache."
I took in a shallow breath and nodded. "It's so... silly. I just want to curl up into myself and wait for him to disappear."
"Why would you want someone you're so attracted to further away from you?"
I shook a little trying to bottle it all up. "I can't have someone like that. I can't imagine anyone like that wanting to be with me. What can I give someone who makes me feel so little?"
"How can any dude hold that much power over you? You never get snakey like this... the boys are usually the ones trying to hang on to you and they do all the screaming and crying."
"It's not power... I guess... I guess it's power to the extent that I let it enter my mind so much." i'm really going to loose it now. "I don't deserve anyone like that. i look at him and it's shit i didn't think i wanted. i didn't think i'd want to be this nurturing partner... just anything to show him i care...."
"You're rambling... god listen to you. Sorry sorry... I'm not being harsh, i'm just... It's not you Nate."
"I want... I want to date someone who's not perfect, but they're working on making things better in the long run. I want to be with someone i can finally learn from instead of just having someone to throw me down and just fu..."
"Yes! yes i know..."
"You know my thoughts on gay people..."
"Yeah, you hate gay people but you like to fuck them."
"Right... exactly. so i bump into a boy that has more going on than looks. i don't understand it... i talk to him and i want to eat it all up. i want to listen and look after him. But... and there's always a but. But what would someone like him want with me? why would he want to go out with me when he has a world of writers and artists who're better suited. This is just a stupid crush and i know it's not going anywhere..." I sniffed deeply and maggie rested her head on mine.
"You're torturing yourself. i know people keep telling you this, but i don't think you understand. you're a nice dude, you're just in love with this notion that somehow Nathan is untouchable."
"Look at me! I'm pushing 30 and talentless... I'm not the man you tote around at cocktail parties. I get upset thinking about how much i want to be with him... and just be there for him more than i've ever wanted to invest in a relationship... And how i've never felt this before so it's a good kick to the head to want to unleash all of this but... but it's never going to happen. Sometimes I think I'm over it... and then... then i wind up in my boxer shorts crying in bed with a transient lesbian."
"Queer... I prefer queer to lesbian."
"Oh... right. Sorry."
"I dunno dude... I think you have a lot to give to a man. I know you'll get over this. just, i look at you and all i can feel is how you're hurting. it's no ones fault. you're just out of sync right now. in the meantime, geeze you really need to take it easy on yourself. you've always been so happy go lucky being single, don't change that. you can survive on your own, but not when you're constantly second-guessing yourself. it's cheese but true. Noah thinks highly of you as a friend just don't push him away in some retarded attempt to seek closure in a hurried fashion."
"I won't... I'm glad to get a friend out of this... you couldn't ask for a cooler person to meet up with and talk to. Just... just have to get over this bump where I feel attracted to him. I'm not going to attack him to see what'll happen... i'd rather never know either way just to keep him close as a pal. You don't get to meet a man like that often."
"You sound sane now, but you're probably feeding me the info you think i want to hear."
"Yeah, a little, but don't you think that i'll absorb some of this advice by proxy?"
"Little bits here and there. you're just going to bury your feelings to keep the status quo in the end."
"I'm willing to sacrifice a little bit of myself to absorb and give back to him."
"HA! HIPPY SPEAK! Energy? Hmmm? He gives you good feelings and you wanna work towards giving that back to him...." She hugged me. "It's fantastic that you still have the urge to give in you after the droogs parade of men you've been with who sucked the life right out of you. Do you... you know... think about him when you jerk off?"
"Initially yes... but..."
"But..."
"It doesn't get the job done."
"ahh ha ha.... if you can't even wank to the thought of him... ew, ew god it has to be love."
I sat up and looked at her with a faint smile and watery eyes. "Let's go to bed. I can't talk about this any more. Therapy's over."
The light clicked off and we nestled down. Soon after Maggie tapped me with her foot. "You know you're worthy enough to date him. Don't talk down to yourself like that."
"Great. I'm worthy but he's not interested. it's all so noble and sad and shut the fuck up so we can sleep."
"Good night John Boy."
"G'nite. thanks for the talk. i'm ok seriously. he'll just be the template for the guy i'd like to be with for a long time. it can't be him, but i can try to find that in someone else right?"
"Ummhmm, it's true. You will find him... just... just wish it could all work out."
"Me too, but hey, it can't be simple right?"
She wiggled into my back and draped and arm over my side. i still felt emotional but the most i could work out were a few misplaced tears running cold down my face in that oh so trite poetic way. i don't deserve someone like him... that's the beginning and the end of it.