"Hooray for porn! Down with unrequited love!"

"you're still here? thought you were going out tonight?"
"I thought better of it. Maybe you and I could learn to crochet tonight?"
"oh my god... you're staying in on a friday night to learn how to knit?"
"Well it's a good call on my part! If I go out with The Boy I'm just going to feel despondent and sad. So here I am for the evening."
"I already made plans to go out with Leah for sushi...." he looked away in that awkward fixed expression of please, please, please don't invite yourself along on my date....
"Sounds good... Have a good time."
"What will you do all night?"
"Probably try to learn how to do this and then get so frustrated that I throw it away..."
"And after that?"
"Roll around nude on your bed."
"That's not even funny."
"Kinda is man. you know, it kinda is."
"Can you fix my hair before I take off?"
"It looks fine... needs to get cut through. I'm sick of looking at hippy-head."
The doorbell rang.
"Must be Leah..."
He casually walked for the front door, never the type to rush to bring a woman in from the cold.
"Oh... Oh! I haven't seen you in ages!"
I sat up to see who was there and felt happy to look at Maggie making a surprise visit.
"Hey hey boys, sorry for the drop-in. Just woke up at my friends place down the street so I thought I'd cold-call you."
Maggie had been a cronie from university that I had worked with at the porn store. She pulled off a tight knit toque and scratched at the back of her shaved head.
"This looks... comfortable. What you're knitting now? What are you depressed or something?"
"How'd you know?" I feigned shock and stretched out my limbs. she came to the couch and laid on top of me.
"Oh hollow and sad soul... he knits to escape the mundane reality of life..."
"That and I thought it would be cheaper to make blankets for christmas gifts... This is more pending for a couple Christmases from this year of course."
She shook her head and seemed comfortable to sit on me and relax.
Anthony had always been scared of Maggie since high school. Apparently she raved with Anthony's sister a lot and was a formidable lesbian monster towering in platform shoes and half-metre long dreadlocks. She was tame now, but still a gypsy moving in and out of my life.
"How's The Littlest Hobo doing these days?"
"TA'ing at the university. Can you believe it? I've sold my soul AGAIN to that school."
"at least it's keeping you busy."
"I haven't seen you out photographing the Arts department fundraisers lately. Just that twat Jason's little boyfriend. They're rotten, Nate. Just these off-kilter pictures of men under 28. That's it. So there's like 10 pics to choose from and none of them the people who donate money. Can you get that? Sheesh..."
"Jason fired me from it... He wanted jail bait boyfriend to get the job."
"Well I wouldn't be surprised if he gets fired from it soon. Even the jail bait boy's mom isn't impressed."
"Yeah I'll be waiting by the phone for them to offer me the job again."
The doorbell sounded off again and Anthony sauntered over. Probably listening in to Maggie and I from the obscurity of the kitchen...
This time it was Leah and he didn't even let her in. "Come on let's go get dinner."
"BYE BYE!!!!" Anthony didn't even acknowledge Maggie and I screaming and locked the door behind him.
She propped herself up to look down at my face. "Truth or dare, is it just me or have you been to 10+ shows of "Equus" at the Halland Theatre?"
I had nothing to say other than be gob-smacked with a stupid look on my face.
She laughed and sat up between my separated legs. "Don't get too creeped out. I'm dating a girl in the show so I've been to a slew of shows. I've seen you across the lobby every time but I never make it over to you before you're out the door."
"Ah... yeah I know someone in the play too."
"Really? Small world! Who is it?"
"The guy who plays Martin Dysart."
"Noah? Sheeeeeeit, nicest fellah ever. I go out for drinks with him and Martha after the show all the time. Why didn't you stick around to go out after."
Blink blink.
"This is one of those unintentional awkward conversations isn't it?"
"Mmhmm..."
"one where I put you on the spot, force you to tell me about it and then you feel better?"
"No this is one where I don't tell you anything and you put the pieces together on your own."
"One of those, er, gettin' sick of telling it over and over again situations?"
I tapped the side of my nose. "You got it."
She respectfully paused and leaned back to the opposite end of the couch from where i was propped up. She took the time to flit through some magazines on the coffee table and clear her throat before blurting out, "You love him!"
"No! God damn it... no. You can't love someone you've never been with. It's not love it's misplaced desires for someone who's not into you."
"Love sounds better."
"Love sounds like something that I'm not experiencing here."
"You know..."
"Yes I know he's seeing someone."
"Shit, thank god I didn't have to be the one to tell you. would you be mad if I said I wasn't surprised you were into him?"
"No, just a little more heartbroken and sad."
"You're pretty similar, but different people. I dunno, that's a shitty way of explaining it."
"He's nice. He's smart. He's not interested."
"Not exactly the combination you're looking for. Still, I'll keep you posted if he breaks up with..."
"Don't! Don't even bother. I'm just trying to cauterize this wound over him so there's no need to keep me up to date on if he's unavailable or if he's available and still not wanting to fuck me."
"right right right... Ok no more updates. Did you actually say something to him about how you feel? Don't give me that dirty look like I told you something awful!"
"Maggie, look, I'm a fucking troll. I'm not going to compete for his affections. I can't run with someone like that... Enough enough enough."
"Ok, ok chill. I don't like the idea of you sitting here paralyzed by depression."
"I wouldn't say it's as heavy-handed as depression. Think more "calm sadness" and less "suicidal maniac". You know I can't get too out of control over someone."
"Liar. Jean."
"OH YOU BRING THAT UP?"
She rolled her head back to laugh. I'm not used to someone taking the piss out of me like I do to other people.
"Eighteen! First year university! Third ever person I slept with! Give me a tiny bit of slack."
"Yes yes that one's not fair. Just don't pretend like you're incapable of going fucko nuts over a man."
"It's not like that with this one. I..." Fidgeting with the zipper on my sweater I looked down. "I just find it overwhelming to meet someone who makes me feel like throwing myself into his arms. It's never happened. I've never met someone I could feel like settling down with willingly... I don't know what's up."
"You? Settle?"
"Oh yeah... If he went out with me and wanted to go to couples therapy I'd be right there."
"Shut the fuck up, you would not."
No words just my eyes looking honestly at hers.
"Son of a... Wow, I don't see you for 8 months and all this shit comes down on your head. Maybe you should tell..."
"NO! If he was interested he would have shown something."
"You never..."
"No. Not interested in me."
"Aw, that's shitty."
"Hey, most people just tell me to shut up and get over it. I like absorbing a little sympathy."
Maggie sprang to life to flop back onto my chest. "Poor baby."
"Ahh... yeah I can get used to this." I rubbed at the back of her puppy fuzz shaved head and pushed the longer hair in the front over her ears.
"Well how do you know he doesn't like you?"
"Because he always has a prospective man in his life that I could never compete with. I'd much rather find a new friend than put my head on the chopping block over this. I don't want an awkward situation, I'd rather keep a fascinating person in my life."
"Nothing ventured..."
"Nothing strained..."
"Smarty-pants."
"Thank you. Now let's get a glass of wine and have a smoke. This is just bullshit sitting around without something to drink."
"I guess I could let you up for that."
She sat up and looked at me with a hopeful smile. "You're going to be fine."
"Thanks, doctor."
"You're resolute in your failure but you're clearly going to be fine regardless of the outcome."
"no more talk of this! Let us wax over fine evening shifts selling pornography!"
"Hooray for porn! Down with unrequited love!"