god... still so much shit to move... better blog instead of working

way way waaaaaay back when i was in high school, i had the unfortunate task of deflecting from the fact i was a raging homo. i can barely hide my seething jealousy over how it's "slightly" easier to be out in high school now. [waving of cane]
er, some places.
not all.
just not as, you know, crazy to think about behbee homos dating openly or at least knowing that you could press charges after your jaw healed from being smashed.

i was/still am gayer than a french trombone in spring, but there was always the pressure to just keep my fucking mouth shut for lack of a better description. i didn't feel the burning need to run out in front of my barely-tolerated high school peers and shout, "GAY!! So very gay! I've been fucking one of you [in ye olde high school clique] for 2 years! that's right, you can't stop me from bumping cats all night to get my pussy fix!" and so on...

i enjoyed being able to research all this stuff on the internet and finding a pocket of friends that understood... but the overlying umbrella over everything was maintaining the status quo.

all girls are supposed to have a Dude Crush that you can squeal over and get all tingly in the vagina... i would constantly get the question as to who mine was and had to come up with something quick: George Clooney. Not bad. and I'm aware that he might be a homo too. ANYWAY.... i had to start collecting George images to put on my walls/locker and he became my Cover Story. The name you drop when you just need to sound kinda straight to gloss over the fact that i definitely wasn't just strictly-dickly.

i think i made a good pick... it would also explain why i wish i was handsome instead of pretty...

my room was covered in music posters, black and white print outs of eastern European gay porn stars and hockey players. The porn stars because i wanted to look like them with big dark eyes and the mystique of looking so innocent while getting multiple ass-reamings in a sauna. where the fuck was I? right... so when people came into my room [rare as it might be, thanks for being psycho mom and never letting me socialize unless i lied about it] it was hockey dudes from the teams i cheered for and these other guys in cropped pictures juuuuuuuuuust before their dongs. i dunno what was wrong with me... i liked porn from an early age. it was a confused package of did i just want to be a fag? did i secretly like dick but was mesmerized by how awesome tits were? or was it simply: dude-on-dude smut was hot?


ha ha... this was all i could find for a good pic?? i need to go get this stuff on dvd. i had tapes but that's no fun. i'm sure they're all worn out from fast forwarding & rewinds...
oh high school confusion...