all i never wanted

I had spent a hefty portion of the evening slung across the arms of my recliner. All full of sighs and impatient rubbing at my nose, I was a living pile of apathy. Reaching down I felt for my book wedged into the cushion and took a sip of wine. The book was worn and buckled in the middle from the time I dunked it in a puddle of beer. It smelled half rotting half malty as I fanned it under my face with a thumb. Sneeze and a hurried clutch for my wine glass that almost tipped over. One more sigh.

Over the course of the night I had managed to paint my toe nails black, tweeze my eyebrows, rip out a fine assortment of blackheads and in the corner of my room my computer quietly chugged out a mix cd I spent an hour creating. I was plucked, groomed, painted and still I felt like a shiteous slug draped over an overstuffed chair. Shir was napping in a pile of clean clothes and showed no signs of interaction even as I made kissy noises to try and entice him to come over. Never have high expectations for a cat. Apparently I should be applying this to other elements in my life.

Noah had bailed on a coffee chat at the last minute and I reacted as usual... Upset, anxious and morose. Two syllable words that rang true for me when i couldn't see him. I felt it horribly unfair that I could come across as a bouncy and personable chap but could veer into pouting and anti social in a matter of minutes. I designed myself to be on my own, but in the end I would always wonder why no one wanted to be alone with me. How lame is that? Don’t answer.

All this crushing tension hung over me as I tried to distance myself from the situation. I was aware that I couldn’t stop being a mess over Noah, but then again maybe this is just the malingering time between now and the next boy crush.
My heart thumped fast from all the cigarettes I had sucked back waiting for him to show up... Further accelerated by my inability to cope with tardiness I had successfully wrecked my nerves for the night. Nose jammed into a glass of wine I frowned thinking about Noah on some beautiful date that would be filled with far more passion than any latte he and I conversed over. It’s not fair to constantly be single and fine with it only to veer into a wall once every two years and get mooney-faced. I admittedly hated most men who I was being set up on a date with. I would have been more comfortable at home with a vibrator up my ass and a Merchant & Ivory film than struggling to come up with decent conversation. Perhaps I didn’t have anything interesting to say since I’d rather be stuffed and whacking off than communicating with the outside world? Another sigh that no one can hear.

Well what now? What the hell can I do to exorcise someone from my mind? How do you peel back feelings that felt so wonderful and discard them? All cyclical questions that chased around and around in a giant circle until I got sick of repeating them. There is no reason to feel like this for someone who has no intention of liking me back, but here I am groomed and half drunk on a Friday night trying to think of ways to look more attractive. Probably a crash diet for a month would be a good start, but I turn violent without the aid of bread to keep me content. Could start throwing myself at anything that moves in the gay bar. That ought to really instill confidence! Or a disease. Or a stupid asshole that's good to fuck but useless to talk to.

I’m sure I have another sigh trapped inside of me to let out.
There it goes.