fiction - sept 22 2006

"huh. that's a riddle right there, man."
the room was silently rapt in logical thinking... all probably at varying speeds, but we were thinking about it deeply.
"It" being sleeping arrangements. This was like that fox and chicken and island and whatever bullshit variable riddle.
There was one too many people crashing at the apartment. That was a teensy bit of a mix up on my part based on my numeric dyslexia. at least i'm going to use that as an excuse for over counting the number of available sleeping spaces for people. you know, before inviting them all along to slum on couches instead of booking a hotel in advance? right.
One lesbian and partner. One gay man, a very picture of blase co-ed sleeping, but admittedly was sweating things out on this one based on appearance more than personal comfort. One straight boy sans girlfriend. the girlfriend who's also sister of zee dyke. One straight girl who is friend with the sans girlfriend.
Three couches. One bed. Five stoned people.
"And I'm too fucking crippled from pins in my leg to do any stint on the fucking floor. I put my time in. Enough said." I tried not to sound like an old fuck, but I was going to try and hold out for as long as possible on being the douche sleeping on the floor.
"Betty, you share the bed with Ivan."
"Ew."
Exasperated I threw my hands up and waved around an emmory board. "Oh jesus! Come on it's straight forward. It's your sisters boyfriend and you're scared of penises!"
Betty flicked out her hand to ping a box of cigarettes off of me. We turned and adjusted ourselves. A nice laugh at Betty's expense. Too much time stuck in a stoned lump trying to burn up our brains with a stupid sleeping arrangement. Well, why don't I just offer to share the bed? Because Alice will gut you, ass. At least Ivan was having a good laugh with it.
"I'm sure you're just dying to take one for the team on this one Nate."
"Alice didn't talk to me for a week when I waxed Ivan's eyebrows, so I'm going to decline."
"I think it was more the fact that you didn't have your shirts on..."
"I DIDN'T WANT TO GET WAX ON OUR SHIRTS! I've made this very clear!" Bullshit.
"But, you did a good job with the waxing."
"Thank you, Ivan. Some people appreciate my work." I dragged my middle finger through the gap in my eyebrows and stared hard at Betty. Oh yeah bitch, I'm pointing at your monkey brows. Her girlfriend clamped a hand down over her mouth to stem the beer coming back up.
Anne was sprawled out on the floor looking up at the ceiling.. gagging and laughing while trying to inhale on a dead joint.
"Yo, homeslice. Your joint has expired. Hold it up."
A hand popped up beside me on the couch and i gently flammed on the joint. it went down again and i could see that it was back to life. "This is really going to help us come to a decision, is it?"
No response from Anne. Only smoke signals to indicate life below.
"Well..."
"Don't say it Betty."
Betty leaned forward to look down on Anne. "Why don't yoooooooooooou share the bed, Anne?"
Ivan shook his head. "Nuh uh."
"Nuh UH is right! We know this isn't an option." Anne shook her head and took a drag. I snapped my fingers to get it passed to me and paused filing Ivan's nails. He looked down at them and marveled at what everyone should know: short, groomed nails are always good looking and they look better when someone else does them for you. A few deep drags and I passed it on to Ivan.
I fluttered my eyes to the ceiling to feign whistful memories flooding back. "Oh. It was phenomenal to see it. It was, stunning. Just stunning to see."
Anne sighed. "Yes I'm very sure I remember it, thanks."
Betty was looking off and nodding. "Yeah, I mean, she cleared the length of the couch and still landed on you like a cat. BAM!"
Anne cringed. She had passed out on the same couch as Ivan a few years back and Alice went a little.... nuts. In her defence, she was PRETTY tweaked out from doing a 7 day stretch of 12 hour shifts. That and all the lines of ritalin we had done after she got off work. I was standing across the room where I could clearly see the kids passed out on opposite ends of the couch. we had propped them up there to get them out of the way in the main area of the party and also so I could keep and eye to make sure no one choked on their own barf. Ohhh no, I'm not going through that again. Where was I?. Right. Party. Alice. Flip out. So, Betty and I were chatting about the shitty calibre of music when it was just this arching Alice in the air with only a scream when she was directly on Anne trying to knock her face off.
Hoo boy. Drugs or not, we were dealing with a comfortably reactive person here. With due cause we've all put poor baby Ivan into awkward situations without really meaning to.
"Me on this Couch. Betty on that one... Jo on the other one... Ivan in your bed and Anne in the bathtub?"
"Fuck you Betty. You sleep in the fucking tub."
"Maybe if you CLEANED it once in a while it wouldn't be a problem."
"Ooo, okay mother! I'll go clean it right now. Pass that back!"
"Here, here. Smoke it and calm down."
"Let me sleep on the floor! It's fine!" Ivan waved his hands as though we had never thought of this solution and we needed to listen up.
Did I mention that Ivan had been a mere two months out of knee surgery? Shit, that would have helped things. Well, he wasn't in any shape to try and test out ligament surgery results on a cold, hard floor. I whipped back the cigarette box as Betty piped up to agree with Ivan's decision. Bomp!
Enough! I can't stand this! it's killing my buzz! "FINE! I will sleep on the floor!"
"Phhfft! What about your leg Mr. Ed. You know what we do with horses with lame legs right?"
"I will do the floor tonight... But I will suffocate you in your sleep if you snore for one second."
"Don't smother her!" Betty's girlfriend was the only person in the room who seemed distressed by this threat.
"You stay out of this blondie."
"Oh, I brought my snore strips for my nose don't worry my darling Nate."
"How kind..."
Ivan looked down. "Aw, I'm sorry!"
Anne sat up. "Ivan, shush. You take my bed..."
I waited...
"I'll sleep on the couch and so will Betty and Jo and Nate will sleep on the floor."
Why are you such a schmuck for always agreeing to get shafted? Maybe I just get bored with logical thinking after a while...
"Agreed. Now, can we take a vote on smoking the last of the hash before bed. All in favour?"
"Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..."
"All opposed?"
Silence.
"Done. pass me the blow torch please."