fiction and a little bit of reality

"what? what will you do?"
"you don't want to know... just don't do it."
Ari was being a prat and the people milling around us at the bar were listening in. His newest facination was to take a pubic hair and put it on a white card. from there he would crank it through a card laminating machine that he had found at a rummage sale. There were over 10000 plastic sleeves and there certainly weren't that many business cards in his wallet that needed laminating. Over-stocked with these items he had recently decided to take it upon himself to find ways to get rid of them.
Creativity had evolved into spectacular gross behaviour and he was amassing a collection of pube cards. To my horror he was handing them out to unexpecting friends and had threatened to give me one.
"I would put that right up there with assault."
"What?! It's in plastic! It's sealed shut!"
"IT'S YOUR FUCKING PUBES YOU DIRTY PRE-VERT MONKEY!"
The waitress approached us and then walked away.
We frantically waved her back and assured her that we would behave while she was there. After the orders were placed we stood in silence. Me fuming and Ari staring at some university kids.
His brother Yosef was making his way through a packed bar crowd with Chana in tow.
Chana gave the death stare to someone who accidentally bumped into her and was still trying to stare the girl down. Yosef was keen to get a few drinks in and move on to smoking some weed but we had to make an effort to look like we gave a shit about someone's birthday.
"Why the hell are we here? It's all a bunch of fuckin' university students."
"Did you see her run into me? Where's the decency in people? She didn't even say sorry!" I was still pouting over the pube card discussion and she picked up on it. "What's the issue? You have a fight with your little boyfriend?"
"Go on, Ari. Tell her."
He pulled out a sample card and held it up to her. She leaned in close straining to make out what it is. Her glassed slid down her nose and she eyeballed the card more. Wait for it. Wait. Wait for it... Her eyes widened and the tell-tale rage shakes fluttered up her body.
Yosef had turned his attention back to us and caught sight of the pube card and rushed to Chana to hold her back. I thrust out my arm to hold her back as her hands arched into pointy nails and writhing fingers attempting to claw Ari's face off as he laughed at her.
"Yossi! Hold your little friend back!" Ari reached into his pocket and faned out 6 cards to waggle in front of Chana's snapping mouth spewing out yiddish disses. I'm sure it would have made your skin crawl if you knew what the hell she was saying.
"I'll rip your smug homo face off! You pig!"
Yosef and I held her back and I wrapped a thick arm around her from behind. She pushed against me like a dog waiting to be set free. I sipped my beer with my free arm and gestured towards Ari. Using my best soothing tone I talked into her ear.
"Our friend here doesn't think that there's anything wrong with his. He doesn't think that there's a reason to flip out."
"Yossi, come on, you thought it was funny..."
"I thought it was funny when it was yours... It's not funny to have amassed a library of my friends god damn pubic hair."
"Look! I got Paul to give me one of his!" He held up one of the newest cards and Yosef looked horrified. Paul was one of his most vibrantly homophobic friends and couldn't imagine him letting Ari fish around in his shorts to pluck out a hair. Even I was agog.
"OK now, your pube game is fucking sick but I'm impressed with this one."
"Thank you Nate. I knew you'd come around on it. See? It's thrilling and fun!"
"Oh my god... did you get permission to get this or did you wait until he was sleeping?!"
Ari quickly put the card into his shirt pocket and took a sip of beer.
"Fuck... you fucking idiot. So help me god, if you took this off of him when he was sleeping I will not protect you when he comes to sever your balls from your body."
"I plead the fifth on this one."
Chana was still wrapped up under my arm but was gradually relaxing. Probably out of joy thinking about telling Paul the whereabouts of a rogue pubic hair.
"You two are clearly overreacting. Seriously, what the hell would you do if I gave you one of these cards when you weren't expecting it? Nothing! It's wrapped in plastic. It's harmless."
As three voices we yelled louder than needed. "IT'S YOUR PUBES!" followed with assorted spatterings of curses and heads shaking in disbelief.
Chana took my beer and swilled back a hearty dose. "You know what I'd do?"
I gave her a motivational hug. I love it when she's in a rage, it's always fraught with creative insults.
"I would wait until you least expect it... Maybe the next day, maybe the next month... But you wouldn't see it coming. I'll wait until you can't see me. I'll wait until you're in a room with a boy you're trying to impress. I'd jam my hand down my pants and fish around in my cunt for a minute. Like, we're talking four fingers, triple-knuckle deep jammed in there. I'd get them in there as far as I could go, yank it out and paint your face with my pussy juice."
Yosef and I hollered with laughter.
"Yessir, I'd paint you up real nice and I'd put two fingers up your nose so just washing your face won't fix it. you'll have to smell it for days on end. And just when you think it's gone you'll realize it's not actually "there", it's in your psyche. It'll never leave your mind. Every day you'll wake up and think, "Someone played finger paints on my face with vaginal fluid and I will never be the same.""
"That's a little harsh! See, just touch the card!!! It's nothing!"
I was mid sip and almost spat out a gradually warming Stella onto Chana's shoulder.
"Holy jesus we're going to get thrown out! You! Cards away. You! Calm down and rein it in!"
"Hey... Hey... Chana... Calm down. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Here, take my card and call me any time."
Oh god that's it... She's going to stab him as he laughs. No matter. Some beer and a resolute promise to get stoned later would help I'm sure.