fiction sept 20 2006

"I don't know why you're so fucking mopey." Josie pulled on a white and red striped straw and sucked back the remainder of a milkshake.
my stomach quivered from the steady poison of mushrooms and thick shots of Jagermister. dead and still eyes looking back at Josie and being so mad. so utterly mad, but i'm not able to show it.
She took out her cell to make a few calls while i crossed my arms around me and leaned forward. i began to obsess that i would get sick in the diner. spewing up everything and they'd know i was high. they could see the lurching pieces of illegal fungus and they'd know.... yes, they were definately going to find out.
"Yeah... No... The show was a blow out. My date was a no-show and now i have to babysit nate who's traumatized..."
"fuck you."
"What did you say? Anyways, yeah. Total blow out! I got a hotel room and everything. Phhpht."
Correction. We BOTH got a hotel room. You were just adamant that I wasn't going to sleep there tonight and instead you could have it all to yourself AND LEAVE ME ALONE ALL NIGHT IN THIS CITY!
I pounded the table with a fist. Josie shot me a look and motioned her hand downwards for me to simmer. Thankfully my rant hadn't actually escaped my mind
My stomach twinged. I always felt like I was loosing the high in the end of taking mushrooms. like it was dying inside me and just sputtering out of my guts and into raw organic bits of shit. as i curled downwards i let my head lay on the paper placemat. all i could see was the year of the monkey... "Should not speculate with money..."
Why me? Why do I always trap myself in these endless circles of stupidity?
My ex was a dazzling piece of flaming intelligence. he had just finished his doctorate and decided that he should really show his more interesting and less academically-focused attention on people other than me. pretty much he had money and a reputation so i was cut loose as a celebration of his new job. I can't really recall loosing it over a man in recent years but I went ape. Pure highschool style insanity-oh-god-i'll-never-love-again-bullshit. This was my long term investment love and bam, he started dating a business undergrad TA who was juiced into the board of directors via his very liberal mother, the dean of arts. Oh it was repulsive.
His new mother in law came over a few weeks ago with some vegitarian eggplant bake fandango bullshit while i was locked outside waiting for him to come home. i was probably on a bit more valium than I should have bought illegally... and I probably shouldn't have been THAT drunk on a Thursday morning... but I was a walking wreck. she immediately swept around me in whatever caftan hippy garb for office professionals she had on.
"My, what's wrong?"
"Oh lady... lady... You shouldn't be talking to me. I should go." Naturally the booze and tranquilizers make me forget about my low bloodpressure. and maybe they made it worse. I stood up quickly and toppled back into a light faint. It was only a few seconds before I came to looking up at coral lipstick and turquoise eye liner. Is this an angel? do angels look like stevie nicks in a blazer with multiple scarves?
"HONEY! Are you OK?"
"Stop stop! I'm fine! It's my blood pressure. I'm just upset..." I crawled on all fours to try and get away from her trying to do some reki on me no doubt.
"You don't understand.... I'm Nate. I'm just here to get some of my stuff and I have to go."
She paused. Oh shit... now what?
"Look, it's none of my business, but that's pretty cold to date for 3 years and then get dumped for a 21 year old teachers aid."
"21! 21!"
"Robby skipped a few grades and did an accellerated business degree.. ."
Dumped for someone nearly 10 years younger than me. I think I want to go inside, get my stuff and then gut myself on his stupid fucking bed. Not that I'm being dramatic or anything.
"Look sweetie, I know what it's like to get the rush when someone moves on with their career. Do you see a ring here? No sir. Don't just sit around waiting all your life. Now, Robby said you were the photographer? You should come to Gesh View on Friday for my art show. I'd love to have some professional shots from different people."
It felt like getting the lollypop and pat on the head after a rubella shot. There, there. You're a fucking looser, but you can take pictures, can't you? That's a good boy.
I took the invitation and directions she jotted down on the back of a phone bill envelope. Folding it up I wiped my eyes and stood up.
"I'm going to head out. Tell Jason I'll come by and pick up my stuff later."
"I insist you come to the show darling! It's the best way to move on."
Ugh. Shut up hippy lady that's too young to be a real hippy!
Josie had only agreed to come with me as an initial chaperone to the art show when i advised her that the new vapid twat who plays a lesbian on a tv program would be there.
ughghh... It was hipster heaven/hell. I snapped off a bunch of pictures and sighed. what a gig. the only thing that kept me from hanging myself off of the ladder installation piece was knowing a new guy was going to meet me there. we had been chatting in the mornings at the coffee bar for a month and I finally blurted out to him that I was semi working at an art show as a photographer of guests, but I'd like for him to come. he was taken aback but looked pleased that I had finally alerted him to my interest instead of always looking depressed and shy when I declined his offers to go out and get a drink sometime.
I had gone the added distance and showed up dressed nicely instead of the "the insurance sales man's last days before a heroin overdose" look i had been rocking: A whole lot of stubble and a lot of dress shirts and ties from the 50's I had been obsessively buying from a used clothing store down town. I opted for the same clothing but instead treated myself to a new shirt and tie since I couldn't be bothered to wash any other things I had. Hell, I even shaved and got a little hair trim.
There we were... Josie looking around the room for her pseudo lesbian hero and me popping off pictures of some retarded floppy-hair douche who had always hated my work but had the audacity to be quoted as "adoring" my work in a recent Weekend Post Arts review to get his name in print. I was taking glee in fully capturing his second chin when the coffee shop boy came around the corner.
Brown shirt, brown tie, brown saddle shoes. Yes yes yes that's what I'm wearing and coffee shop boy looked equally cute in a kicky tshirt and dress coat combination. Le sigh. I don't believe in rebound dating, but I could really get used to looking at this one.
I saddled up to him with a pleasant smile [i was good and only had a half an e before i came] and told him to hold still for a picture.
Ah. So cute... and then a vaguely familiar guy approached us. Where do I know you from and why are you highjacking my coffee shop boy art show date?
He was funny and drew us in... He was too good to be true and i felt myself folding up into silence and timid insecurity. I held out for 30 minutes and then had to get back to taking pictures... leaving them behind to converse and looking over at them laughing... the ursurping prick getting closer and closer... Serves you right for blowing him off so long. Maybe he can sense your desperation to get on with things and get it on with someone new.
I looked away to spy my one-and-only-for-a-short-while ex by the bar with his boy toy looped around his waist like an attachment. My only hope was they weren't laughing at me... well, it was my hope at first. As I worked the room, taking more and more shitty shots I saw my coffee boy migrate over to my ex with his new friend in tow.
The familiar face was one of Jason's cronies from school who I had only met at a few grad pub functions. His arm was around the coffee shop boys and the jig was up. Jason had sent in his smoothest talking friend to swoop in and lick the ear of any guy who looked somewhat interested in me.
Pretty much after that I was in a terrified buzz of anger and the additional drugs I collected from people at the party. The mushrooms had probably been too much introspection for such a depressing night, but no matter.
maybe it's what I needed? maybe I need to be at home and under the blankets... under the blankets, folded up safely from myself and from everything trying to get me and not locked into mute anger in an all night diner.