someone please rip out my heart in a proverbial gesture of servitude to my endless need to be attracted to unavailable people

i keyed in a message back to the coffee shop boy. he was having a relationship crisis. my lips parted to push out cigarette smoke and I finally pulled it out of my mouth to give a proper exhale and sigh. i want to throw up. my smart little blackberry opal blipped again and i looked down to see another response.
leaning back on the bench i took a minute to see nurses coming in from their dinner breaks, sick people out for a wheel around in the fresh air... and other losers sitting outside smoking and trying to balance their thoughts between their own selfish fucked up issues and on the person they knew inside the hospital. i wish they had bars in hospitals. that's retarded. i wish i had brought a flask with me. now i couldn't decide what i would have filled it up with in the first place. white russian? too much dairy. whiskey? too stinky. wine? probably would taste queer from being in a flask with the reminants of old booze odour.
my phone blipped again.
my chest hurts. i massaged my sternum and felt a little poisoned from the last cigarette. it felt like it was gnawing through my stomach... probably was.
The phone finally rang.
"hey are you there?"
I felt hot in the face. ok, i'm supposed to write back within miliseconds AFTER I tell you I'm at the hospital. "I was talking to a doctor and I shut off my phone that's why."
Terse silence.
"I'm an asshole."
Don't agree with him.
"No..." YES YOU ARE. "No you're not it's ok. I'm just distracted with Anthony. How about I call you later?"
"I want an opinion on a photograph I'm going to give Jon. I'm worried he won't like it."
Personalized gifts from the heart. Yeah I'm going to curl up and have a fucking heart attack from rage right now. Mm... that's the ticket. Someone please rip out my heart in a proverbial gesture of servitude to my endless need to be attracted to unavailable people. That's too long-winded. Someone kill me now so I can stop wasting everyone's time being a boorish mope.