fiction - august 4 2006

I was leaning against brick and finishing up the dregs of a cigarette. Looking around the parking lot was still. No new cars and no one leaving the restaurant.
Fuck!
I kicked the brick pillar to burn off some fury and searched for another smoke. Good! Fucking good and great! I have two left and I can't even run across the road to get more.
I had been in front of Jiao Zi for what felt like the better part of a day. Or more importantly the majority of the time that I was awake and hungry. Anthony was sitting in his car parked across the street glaring at me. I couldn't take this! I started walking to the street to cross and Anthony honked the horn. Through the traffic he shrieked in a terrifyingly angry voice, "GET BACK THERE AND GET THAT EGG PLANT!"
"FUCK YOU! NO ONE IS GOING TO GET IT FOR US! I NEED SMOKES SO LET'S SWI..." He rolled up the window and ignored me. Prick piece of shit mother fucking gym bunny stuck up miserable whiny bitch pseudo fag goddamnhellass FUCK! I steamed with clenched fists thinking about every nasty thing I could think of...
Ding-da-ding.
The doorchimes... Someone was leaving! I quickly walked over to them but stopped when the husband made eye contact. I had already asked them on their way into the restaurant and the mad had pushed me around a little. Which is understandable... I guess. I put my hands up and backed off as he shook his head and quickly escorted the woman to a car.
Damn it.
Comming around the corner was a mass of voices. Students! Oh glory be...
A pack of university students with knap sacks came around the corner... Glory be to the gods of irony! One of them comes to the porn store. Praise! Glory! Eggplant!!!
He saw me and froze as the group kept walking. Way to give me the upper hand.
"Hey... Hey! Hey guys... Can I ask you a favour?"
The group stopped and eyed me up suspiciously. The guy who rented from the porn store still held back and looked sick with worry that I would tell all his little friends he liked tranny on tranny porn the best.
"Could I give you $20 to get me a take out order of eggplant and chili?"
One girl spoke for the gaggle of boys. "What? Go in and get it yourself! What? You're too high and mighty to sit in a Chinese restaurant?"
That's it. I'm burned out to all hell. I'm hungry beyond all compairisons and Anthony had dragged me here to try and solicit people to buy food. Ping! There's that little noise! The little noise in my head when I'm about to flip out.
I moved forward in an agressive pounce and stood over her. I looked down and widened my eyes.
"Do you not think that if I could WALK ON IN THERE that I would have done that? Do you think that I'm just standing out here because I won't talk to Chinese people?! You know what? I fucking love everyone! I love 'em. LOVE EM SO MUCH THAT I WILL DO STUPID THINGS LIKE THIS!"
The students looked scared. This won't help.
Breathe. "Kids, I'm sorry. I would go in, but they won't serve me."
"What did you do?"
"Nothing... It's just they get it in their mind that you can't handle the food... and it changes."
Still a pack of confused faces.
"Look, unless I get someone who's Asian or East Indian to go in and order this, they'll make it without the chilis and they won't make it as good."
"That's bullshit!"
"You know what's bullshit? You telling me I'm making this up! Do you think I like hanging out in fucking plazas in a the heat on a Sunday asking people to buy me fuckingeggplantandchili?!"
"Come on guys, I have a fierce craving for eggplant now..." She led the pack past me and left me there with a $20 in hand. Denied. Not for long.
"Hey... Hey HEY!"
The group turned around.
"Be kind... Please rewind will you?"
The tranny fanatic froze. I never want to get between a man and his smutty desires, but I'm desparate.
The Tits 'n Dick guy suddenly spoke up. "Come on guys, you know they give the run around to white people... Let's just get it for him OK?"
Another guy spoke up. "Hey fuck man, you have to realize that they don't want people to treat this place like a fucking buffet for seniors."
"I know! I respect that! And this is why my roomate is so hooked on this stuff. It's SO GOOD but it never tastes the same as when the right person orders it. Please, please i'm sorry I was psycho. I just want an order and I'm out of here."
Tranny Boy nodded and walked back to take the $20. With my lips shut I threw my voice softly as he came up to me. "Im so sorry... i'm desparate. free rentals this week?"
"Make that this month."
I yanked the $20 out of his fingers.
"Don't get greedy." I hissed.
"I don't think you want me to walk away right now."
"I don't think you want your little friends to know what we're negotiating about."
"Three weeks and I'll bring it out to you as soon as it's done."
"Deal. Keep the change."
I relaxed and turned away from the group. Fuck, that's shameful. Negotiating over free rentals to feed my roomate."
I slumped down to the sidewalk and waited. I'll faint if I have another cigarette. 10 minutes... 20 minutes. They're not coming back.
Ding-da-ding. I looked up... I half expected them to keep the $20, but out came Tranny Boy with a take out bag. He set it down beside me and stuck out a hand full of change.
"Honey, keep it. I'm an ass for trying to embarass you. That's not me... that's the hunger talking."
"No no... take it... My friends are looking through the window. Just take it."
"Thanks."
"No problem."
"See you tomorrow then? Er, ah... Sorry. That's tacky."
He sighed and walked away. Suddenly Anthony was there in the parking lot waiting for me to get in.
"The bag feels heavy. Fuck! I bet they just chucked rocks covered in red sauce in there!"
We rooted through the bag. TWO orders of eggplant and chili, TWO containers with broccoli and cashews and... and... And one order of ginger duck? This was way more than I had asked for.
"What the hell is all this?"
"Hey... Hey, look. It's your little friend."
The busboy was looking out the window at us. With a small grin. He was the same guy that the waitresses had sent out to my table the last time I dared to eat in. They pushed him towards us with poking fingers and made him try to run around and clear tables and serve my friend Kel. Poor thing was lost and unsure since, you know, he's the motherfucking busboy not a waiter. Kel and I had walked over to the area where the waitresses were congregated and pointed at the busboy to come over. In a touching ceremony I presented him money for the bill and Kel and I each gave him a snappy $20 for being nice enough to try. The waitresses looked gob-smacked and we walked out... I never thought that he'd still be here five years later.
"Wave to the boy, he made sure we got fed today."
We waved and he looked swelled up with a good deed.
"Let's get this shit home to eat. I'm sick of doing your dirty work today."