"the last song i will ever want to sing" - .moneen.

slinking into the apartment, my teeth gritted when i realized it was a full house. the tappity clicks of controllers were almost smothered by the commentary being delivered from Twit, Twat and Teeny. Twit was my ex, Twat was my tranny friend and Teeny was an old roommate who never seemed to have left. still didn't pay rent so I guess really, it was like he never departed.
it was some army-related game that I liked to watch when i was stoned and scream, "BOOSH!" every 15 minutes. What I liked more was being able to watch my tv and not be a hub for some LAN party every other day. Especially since it caused my current roommate to slink off to his room and sulk.
"Hey everyone... Did, ah, did ya just let yourself in... or?"
"Brad let us in it's cool."
On a short fuse already I felt myself get wound up seeing the remnants of my beer and the pork tenderloin leftovers I was going to have for dinner.
"How about this, has anyone actually SEEN Brad lately?"
Twat was mid toke and squeaked out a response with full lungs. "Ohforsurewhenheletus..." exhale "in."
i kicked off my boots and let them thwack against the wall. just, you know, sometimes you need to come home to an empty house. part of the appeal of living with Brad was this very fact. Or at least, this is what I promised him originally.
making my way down the hall I found his bedroom door shut and what could only be my Leonard Cohen record playing. couldn't really get mad at the kid for going into my room for it, i'd probably be wiping my dick all over the place if i was feeling that trapped. but, you know... that's just what i do when i'm stressed out.
Tap tap.. "Dude?"
There was some faint noises... sounded like a comforter being scrunched up and the whine of bedsprings as he got up.
"Hrm... yeah. yeah come in."
I walked into a veritable bat cave of drawn curtains and a stereo turned down low but just enough to make a blanket of sound to make the livingroom seem like a distant nightmare.
He was clearly half asleep and looked sour.
"Hey, yo, I'm sorry about the guys. You never have to let them in you know. I feel like a shit that you're hiding in here."
"Oh whatever... I just couldn't be bothered. needed to sleep anyway."
"still, it's a pain in the dick to have them all out there in your apartment."
He flopped back onto the bed and rubbed his eyes. All signs pointed to him being in his bedroom all day. the over-priced but oh-so-well fitted tshirt he had on rolled up a little and exposed that place on your side that's so delicious. i know it as The Place Where My Love Handles Blossom. He wasn't my cup of tea, but I do enjoy seeing any semblance of exposed skin on boys.
"Are you feeling ok?"
"Not really. I only have 3 more months to finish my book."
"Well shit, that's lots of time! And judging by your facial expression, I am incorrect."
Sigh.
He was like a puppy to me. Sometimes I just wanted to rush him to pick him up and swing him around. possibly with the addition of raspberries blown on his stomach. more likely with me screaming "YAY!" and feeling so happy. I don't really interact with younger folk so I don't think I'm really able to process having them around.
He was looking at me suspiciously as I meandered off into my own puppy-twinky correlation inner dialogue. There's no tactful way to sit a roommate down to discuss how you may look at them with something that resembles lust but it's more thinking they're cute, not rapey longings.
Again I realized I had completely spaced out.
"Look I'm sorry I'm a million different places right now. I just wanted to make sure you're ok and if you need the living room free..."
There was an eruption of screams from the livingroom.
"...living room free of the T's."
"I'm good... but I was going to ask you if I could have some of that pork tenderloin so I don't have to go out for dinner tonight."
tapping on the door frame I chewed on my lip for a minute thinking about my lovingly prepared pork being eaten by the wild dogs in my apartment.
"yeah about that. It's gone. And the beer. And I'm pretty sure Teeny had a piece of Fruit Loops stuck in his hair."
"That's just great. I can't even think about leaving the building right now. What about sending one of the T's out to pick something up?"
"IF they ever returned, and that's a huge if, it would be half eaten and entirely not what you asked for."
"Great friends of yours, huh?"
"Oh YEAH, go call up one of your fag posse buddies to bring something over why don't ya?"
Ooops. ok so that was uncalled for, especially since I was completely feeding into the yes camp for mocking my own friends.
"Sorry sorry... I'm a bit cunty right now."
He rolled over and mashed his face into the pillow.
Great. This is like slapping a golden lab puppy across the face. Completely uncalled for and devastating to see the reaction.
"Fuck! You're not crying are you?"
Silence. Tiny seismic shakes over his body.
"Brad... aw, I'm sorry." I boldly walked over and sat on the bed. "Let me go out and get something from Vesuvio's and bring it back for you. Would that be good?"
[muffled noise]
"Is that a yes or a no?"
cresting up from the pillow he leaned his neck back and said a croaky yes before slamming back down.
"Hey buddy, i didn't mean to be a dick..."
rolling over to face the wall he took in a breath. "It's FINE I should get over it."
"No one really gets over being jettisoned from a circle of friends so don't play like you're too good to be hurt over it."
OH GREAT. YOU HAD TO SAY "TOO GOOD" DIDN'T YOU?
ever so slightly his spine curled and bent him inwards. fantastic. let him receed into the fetal position.
"Wha... what about i get sammiches and those little chocolate truffle jizz bombs you like?"
"I haven't been tho the gym for a MONTH!"
"OH DORTHY, CAN IT!"
he rolled over quickly to look at me. i don't usually pop my top like that. well, i do internally and rehash it a million times in my mind, but not verbally. and with someone listening. and definitely not when that person is half crying because of something i said previously.
now he's scared. some old fag is sitting on the end of his bed and he can't escape and there's no one but three degenerate miscreants for the cavalry.
and now the old one burst.
slap my hands over my eyes and groan deep and long.
"I. Am. Sorry. I've rambled in here trying to make you feel better, i swear. instead i've carted you along my little fucked up parade of miserable thinking."
"It's... ok. I'm more impressed. you didn't even flip when Twit won sole custody of the dog."
"That's different. I poisoned all the squirrels in his back yard so it was even-steven."
the bastard actually cut the cable hook up because he spent more time watching the squirrels. and it wasn't *all* of them. Just a few that he had named. And to be FAIR, I donated a lot of money to a squirrel sanctuary that year. all in the past now.
Brad was very lost at this point. focus. focus. less unbalanced drifter, more helpful roommate.
"bad day. bad mindset. but a Vesuvio's dinner and maybe some reefer? ya? maybe daddy has a bath bomb to chuck at you to get some private relaxation in the bathroom?"
"that... that actually works." he schucked back some stuffiness and easily folded any sadness back into himself. poised and relaxed even tho he was a tiny blip in a room that looked like a miserable fortress.
i left to go get The Usual [prosciutto, 10 year old cheddar, artichoke hearts and rabidly hot peppers smothered with pesto mayo] and hollered at the T's like i was back at the hospital herding clients.
"GET THE FUCK ON OUT OF HE-YEAH! SAVE THE GAME GEDDIT GEDDDDDOUT! AH! LEAVE THE FUCKING M&M'S!"
If i was going for the whole zen outlook the parasites really weren't adding to the ambiance.