tandem handy

brad came in struggling with bags of groceries. i didn't bother getting up and interfering. more specifically, i didn't really have any desire to get up.
"hey guess who i saw out with Darren?"
huffing and struggling he grunted as he opted to slug it all to the floor.
"i.... ah... ah... i don't give a shit."
"fine then." i went back to doodling with a fountain pen. after some obligatory sorting and moving i could tell brad's ability to hold back was failing.
"well go on then, who was Ken Doll with?"
"who? oh.... oh no matter. it's just gossip. i should bite my tongue."
"don't be a coy cunt. who?"
gnawing on my bottom lip i became transfixed trying to make evenly spaced cross hatching lines. i always fuck up after the 20th swipe and it looks like garbage.
"nathan! who!"
"can you grab me a glass of water?"
"don't drag this out."
"don't make me drag it out. we play this little game and you like it. let the tap run a bit!!"
didn't sound like he spent a lot of time picking a glass out. i hate that. think!
"here! here. confess!"
gulping down a few mouthfuls i gasped. i was always on the verge of dehydrated....
"ahhh... Josh."
"THAT LAZY EYED FUCK?!"
"wasn't that the one who always swallowed?"
"yeah... like, i think he liked it more than fucking."
"hey, no judgement here man. we all gotta get off right?"
"look, no! don't change the subject. why the fuck would Darren go out with him? they're both such dedicated bottoms..."
"maybe they just waive their asses in the air like cats and kinda clap assholes together?"
"wuh...wah... no. oh man. i dunno what they do."
"you look perplexed. is it insane to think of them together? maybe they spoon like little puppies and tweeze their eyebrows in tandem?"
"see, shit like that. that's why people think you're homophobic. or at least self-loathinng."
"ohhhhhhh don't bring that up again. humor at the expense of others transcends gender and sexual orientation. everyone's up for grabs. just so happens i love mocking bummers."
"you're a bummer."
"i know. see, it's like this cycle. i, the hero...."
"NO. no we're not doing that Northrup Frye shit again. you lured me in once and that was QUITE enough."
"you GOTTA read the books! you're a fucking english student! it's your civil duty...."
"did you talk to them?"
"what? who? the boys? yeah i sat and had a beer with them. i got a tag team handie under the table."
moment trying to read me...
"ha ha. very funny."
"so quick to think that i'm bullshitting are we? so outrageous to think i'd get a double handy from two twinks, eh?"
"patience... running out... blood sugar so low... must... kill... old fag."
"go make a sandwich or something. you're useless to me unless you can focus. make me something too if you're up.?