scratch 'n win

i had successfully flipped out. i had snapped a bookshelf into pieces after hurling the contents of its shelves flying. panting and face thumping hot with blood and sweat i took a look around... i could clean it up in the morning. my temper often packed up into a compact suitcase exploded open for the smallest of catalysts. three separate plans that evening with friends had been cut short so they could go get laid. a reason i had no problem using to jettison plans at a moments notice... so it wasn't the mechanics of the brush off, more that this wasn't a night i wanted to be left alone. no one else knew that, it was my own cluttered sanity that craved it... no point in forming any blame. well, other than for me in raging and destroying whatever i could reach in the peak of my anger. normally only lasting for a few smashed things i had gone on longer than i usually do. i sat on the corner of my bed and shook a little. maybe time to lay back and try to seize my blood pressure before i chugged a clot into my brain after shaking everything loose.
miserable whine that thankfully no one could hear.
finally calming down. finally feeling embarassed enough to push myself further onto the bed and lay down. i clicked a light on and listlessly flipped through a joey steffano biography only grazing on chapters i had already read... trying to induce myself into displacing my feelings with a decisive, "it could be way worse..."