"how can i convince you it's me i don't like?"

i'm sure i've used these lyrics before. meh.

Reservations - Wilco/Jeff Tweedy

How can I convince you it's me I don't like
And not be so indifferent to the look in your eyes
When I've always been distant
And I've always told lies for love

I'm bound by these choices so hard to make
I'm bound by the feeling so easy to fake
None of this is real
Enough to take me from you

Oh I've got reservations
About so many things
But not about you

I know this isn't what you were wanting me to say
How can I get closer and be further away
When the truth
Proves it's beautiful to lie

Oh I've got reservations
About so many things
But not about you

I've got reservations
About so many things
But not about you

Not about you
Not about you
Not about you

It's not about you

.........
.........
.........
.........
.........
.........
omo mix
sylvie - small differences
stars - set yourself on fire
tom waits - 16 shells from a thirty-ought six
beastie boys - professor booty
thom york - and it rained all night
the shins - sea legs
jim guthrie - not a workd
depeche mode - useless
massive attack - dissolved girl
arcade fire - submarine
the good, the bad, the queen - northern whale
underworld - sola sistim
ambulance ltd - arbuckle's swan song
calla - fear of fireflies
interpol - nyc
feist - intuition
how it ends - devotchka
wilco - reservations

new boy-crush = paul rudd

i didn't realize i love him until i looked at all the stuff he's been in that i love...

dun dun dunnnnn

this wasn't the best time to be crumpled up into sadness... this was, in fact, the worst timing as i needed to get my game face on for a presentation the next day. instead i was hot-faced from straining out a few tears and body shaking gasps. all physical pieces that leaked out when i tried to hold it all back. my aunt would smack the hell out of me for crying and i would hyperventalate trying to keep it in... it was easier to can the sadness than to explain why i was upset.

a fat path of water rolled down my face and i typed out forced messages that certainly were sincere, but made me scream inside. i winced every time i read a line about how i wasn't the man of the hour and would probably never be.

i pushed out my chair and honked a wet pile into a tissue. everything oozed when i had an ugly crying face on and i felt puffy and over heated. i put my head down and sniffed a little. messages blipped by and i turned my head up to watch them. it was a glazed mess so i felt at ease taking a break from it all...

there has to be something out there that can distract me from all this... right?

no more eye shadow!

but in the meantime...

damn, i don't like children

toothpastefordinner.com

nothing personal, i just think you're amazing

plan ahead and avoid disappointment

FUCK! done broke the damn bong. bounced the base off a patio chair and it went phssssshh! mrr







the moral of the story is, always have a back-up bong

*poke* *poke*

http://www.hingos.com/patches/index.php?pt=070619

dear doctor p: thanks for blowing me off after spending $40 on cab rides to a fucking apointment

"This is hell isn't it?"
"Mmm?"
I yanked out anthony's earphone so he could get the full effect of braying children in the waiting room. A toddler lumbered past with arms up shaking them around frantically. In his wake he left a wafting stink of shitty diaper and crumbled animal crackers.
We shuddered in unison and returned to our BlackBerry and iPod respectively.
Captain Shitty Drawers made another pass in front of us but this time he turned to screech at us. Recoiling in horror I leaned back in my chair and rolled up my magazine. He trundled closer with orange stained hands that could only be slobber worked into cheeto powder. I shook my head in mute horror and shooed at him with my hand... The other clenching the magazine in case he got too close.
"Shoo... Shoo... Go on..."
Anthony curled closer to me and looked around for a owner to come gather the kid up. Kidlet stopped but I was still on the defence. He hollered in a pleghmy voice, "haaaaaaaa rowwwwwww!"
"Yes, yes that's nice. Hello." I leaned back into anthony who was clearly spooked."Don't people tell their kids to not talk to strangers?!"
"Haaaaaaaaa rowww! Ha-roaaaah!" Suddenly he tilted forward and came at us. We yelped and hopped up onto the chairs like the child hating sissies we are.
I swiped at the air infront of us shaking my head in a clear no pattern.
"What the hell..." A nurse came out and collected little lord shitty shorts and looked terribly disappointed. "You two, get off the chairs. I thought I told you to not book appointments at the same time."
"If we don't he's too chicken to come in and I can't be bothered to take the bus. Team work!" I lifted a hand for a high five but she left me hanging.
She deposited the brat beside his mother who was yapping on a cell. "Can you fill these? SEPARATELY?" Two piss sample bottles were chucked at us. Nothing like letting a waiting room full of people know you have to take a slash into a cup.
"Why is she so mean to us?"
"Probably still cheesed about you subbing in for my bloodwork last time." Angry stare.
"Oh well let's just bring that up again! I'm SORRY I did mushrooms before being your blood surrogate. How are you mad at me for you being scared of needles?"
"Did you have to come in high?!"
"Ohhhh pish. It's not like they're testing for it when they're checking you thyroid. I'm first for the bathroom. Ill wash my hands for sure."
"Hurry, I want out of here."

all i never wanted

I had spent a hefty portion of the evening slung across the arms of my recliner. All full of sighs and impatient rubbing at my nose, I was a living pile of apathy. Reaching down I felt for my book wedged into the cushion and took a sip of wine. The book was worn and buckled in the middle from the time I dunked it in a puddle of beer. It smelled half rotting half malty as I fanned it under my face with a thumb. Sneeze and a hurried clutch for my wine glass that almost tipped over. One more sigh.

Over the course of the night I had managed to paint my toe nails black, tweeze my eyebrows, rip out a fine assortment of blackheads and in the corner of my room my computer quietly chugged out a mix cd I spent an hour creating. I was plucked, groomed, painted and still I felt like a shiteous slug draped over an overstuffed chair. Shir was napping in a pile of clean clothes and showed no signs of interaction even as I made kissy noises to try and entice him to come over. Never have high expectations for a cat. Apparently I should be applying this to other elements in my life.

Noah had bailed on a coffee chat at the last minute and I reacted as usual... Upset, anxious and morose. Two syllable words that rang true for me when i couldn't see him. I felt it horribly unfair that I could come across as a bouncy and personable chap but could veer into pouting and anti social in a matter of minutes. I designed myself to be on my own, but in the end I would always wonder why no one wanted to be alone with me. How lame is that? Don’t answer.

All this crushing tension hung over me as I tried to distance myself from the situation. I was aware that I couldn’t stop being a mess over Noah, but then again maybe this is just the malingering time between now and the next boy crush.
My heart thumped fast from all the cigarettes I had sucked back waiting for him to show up... Further accelerated by my inability to cope with tardiness I had successfully wrecked my nerves for the night. Nose jammed into a glass of wine I frowned thinking about Noah on some beautiful date that would be filled with far more passion than any latte he and I conversed over. It’s not fair to constantly be single and fine with it only to veer into a wall once every two years and get mooney-faced. I admittedly hated most men who I was being set up on a date with. I would have been more comfortable at home with a vibrator up my ass and a Merchant & Ivory film than struggling to come up with decent conversation. Perhaps I didn’t have anything interesting to say since I’d rather be stuffed and whacking off than communicating with the outside world? Another sigh that no one can hear.

Well what now? What the hell can I do to exorcise someone from my mind? How do you peel back feelings that felt so wonderful and discard them? All cyclical questions that chased around and around in a giant circle until I got sick of repeating them. There is no reason to feel like this for someone who has no intention of liking me back, but here I am groomed and half drunk on a Friday night trying to think of ways to look more attractive. Probably a crash diet for a month would be a good start, but I turn violent without the aid of bread to keep me content. Could start throwing myself at anything that moves in the gay bar. That ought to really instill confidence! Or a disease. Or a stupid asshole that's good to fuck but useless to talk to.

I’m sure I have another sigh trapped inside of me to let out.
There it goes.

Reply To All

An email comes to me over lunch... a friend has gotten a new job within the company he currently works for... Foolishly he sends out an en mass email during lunch... meaning we're all dicking around and waiting to pounce on an email... Censored/name changes to protect the not-so-innocent


Hello Urrrrrrbody,

I'm in a new position here at Manulife and with it comes a new email address and phone number. So, do NOT email [censored] because I will not get it and that address should be terminated shortly. So the new address is [censored]. For you [insurance folk] when you punch my name into Lotus Notes make sure it comes up as [censored]. They can't seem to get my middle initial right. I also now have a direct line, [censored] so call me on there for anything. Enjoy the rest of the week.


Thank You,
[Buuuurd]

Nice an innocuous, right? Then the Reply-To-All responses come in....

With this new title and responsibility, can i expect payment of your debts or do i need to send Tater down there with the promise of cheeseburgers to break your legs?

[Ginger Kid]

Hee hee... so clearly this is going to go badly... more so because i had to just throw one in...


You’re too late, he bought off Tater’s loyalty with the promise of all expenses paid 8 minutes of glory in the Dollhouse Champagne room.... holla at yo’ DogHouse hos!

→ ~j. ←

Back history: the Dollhouse is a rather unsavoury strip club in town. It’s also known as The Dog House and “I’m not fucking going there, can’t we go to Roxxanne’s?” And Tater loves him some Dollhouse action...

j., you know me well, I love the DH!!!!

Thanks for the reminder Ginger Kid, Burrd also owes me $20!!! YES SIR HE DOES!!!

But I can be bought as j. suggested.... :)

ha ha... ok this should end right about here... burrd has clearly been away at lunch and came back to a screen full of emails cutting him up so he manages to get a word in about Tater coming to break his legs.

You should know he prefers liver and onions.
and he can't fit into the champagne room. poor old mitts. I tried I tried.

And finally, i have to ruin it for everyone:

It’s easy math... they can have the teeth out and tassels spinning in 2 minutes and that leaves you a solid 6 minutes to have aunt marg’s cottage cheese thighs getting a work out.

Frig i made myself throw up a little... that’s enough from me.

The lesson here is: Never send out an en mass email to your office pleb. friends!!

swissssjhhhhh

Where Are The Dogs Humping.com

aHhhhhhhh

Damn it work, stop pissing me off.
/rant

i don't want to sleep

but i guess i gotta...

braying at the back

lilly allen - knock 'em out
junior boys - so this is goodbye
jim guthrie - not a word
sleater-kinney - what's mine is yours
stars - set yourself on fire
einsturzende neubauten - sabrina
lcd sound system - too much love
sylvie - rise and fall
tapes 'n tapes - insistor
ambulance ltd - country gentleman
arcade fire - submarine
battle - tendancy
beastie boys - professor booty
interpol - nyc
boards of canada - music is math
the good, the bad, the queen - northern whale
depeche mode - useless ~ the kruder + dorfmeister session mix

bold boo-nay

revenge of the gooch

I was sitting on the couch waiting for the onslaught of judgement. Anthony was fussing in the kitchen and smacking plates down. I tried to remain casual but I was still tweeky from all the booze i had just consumed sitting on a patio. I sipped a little bit of water and rehearsed my very calm and always collected response. Anthony smacked into the stove trying to get around it and cursed. he swore a lot these days... i tried to put it out of my mind that i was a factor in the increased cussing.

"LISTEN, I don't... I don't need to have this hapening right now."
"What? You don't need WHAT?! Please bring me on board for the neurotic cruise boat vacation we're about to embark on."
"You.... I don't want..."
"Say it... Say it right now."
"I don't want him over here."
"Do I get to tell you which one of your friends you can't have over? That's bull... Just because he fooled around with Dan doesn't make him a bad person!"
"I... I don't want to have him in the house."
"We're in my room... playing Sega... with a cd playing. How does this ruin your existance?"
Shaking of head... I was going to blow my top. "Oh YES Anthony, because I make friends SO easily! Let's just turn someone away that I have a good time with!"
"His name is GOOCH. You're hanging out with someone who's nickname is the slang term for..." [terse hissing whisper] "The patch of skin between your balls and asshole!"
"It's his nickname! I call you Whiny Faggot... it's not indicative of your entire personality!"
He turned heel back to the kitchen and walked into Gooch walking into the back porch.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY Anthony! High five!" I heard silence and Gooch trying to entice Anthony to give up some skin. "Leavin' me hanging here... just out in the open... one man... one hand... no high five. what are you doing to me dude? All right then, see you on the flip side bitch."
"Dude!"
"Gooooooch!"
"What's the issue over there in the kitchen?"
"Don't ask... he's in a froth because I didn't do the dishes. Did you bring the movie? I'm dying to see what cover they picked."
Gooch reached into his knap sack and pulled out a dvd case. He winged it at me to catch and already I was impresed with the colour scheme.
"phoooo... shit that's nice! I can't believe that they paid the extra cash to have someone design the cover!"
"Good production values... they want to try and class these softcores up."
"98% of the reason why people pick up a porno is what they see on the front. it could be different people in the movie, but who gives a fuck? They already rented it."
I turned the case around to face Gooch. "Dude, I'd be drawn to this on the shelf."
"I know! It's a good flow into the picture..."
"Question."
Gooch tossed himself onto the couch with his legs draped over me.
"Yes?"
"When you're hired for a porno, do they give you a budget to get yer cock and man-snatch waxed or is the expectation you'll pay for it on your own?"
"More or less it's my responsibility. If they tell me that they have something in mind I'll try and get them to shill for it, but as a rule i'm the one who pays for it."
"Next question: who do you pay for it? Do you just walk into a spa and tell them you need a smooth ass and package?"
"I got a girl who does it. Real nice job... no rashes or bumps."
"The results speak for themselves...."
"Thanks!"