out of sorts... and it's your fault.

i'm wallowing in a fit of blahs... which usually means anti-social grouch. Or at least on the inside since it's rare that I snarl at someone else unless their name is mike solomon. hi mike! i know you'll love that i dropped your name on a blog you'll never read. Oh! hey, that was grouchy. there you go. i am currently obsessed wtih this song. it's so over the top but applicable.

He Poos Clouds - by Final Fantasy
Lazy, you lazy poet, your words are reckless, and I can't feel it
But hey, hey, all the boys I have ever loved have been digital
I've been a guest, on a screen, or in a book!
I move 'em with my thumbs, I move them with my thumbs
I write his name in nothing, he whispers to the author
That I will be the only one

Escape! Escape! This time, for real!
We fool around in the service lane
He's the only friend I have who doesn't do cocaine
And all the boys I have ever loved have been confidential
Had a broken home, or a seedy past
So I know it's gonna last
And move him with your thumbs, I move him with my thumbs
He needs, he needs my guidance, he needs, he needs my time
Though I am not the only one

He swam! To the edge of the wall of the world!
Followed my voice, and he cried
Master! The answer is maybe... Maybe not... Maybe not...
Maybe not! I have goals!
Gotta fulfill the seven prophecies!
Gotta be a friend to grandmother!
Gotta rescue Michael from the White Witch!
Gotta find and kill my shadow self
Gotta dig up every secret seashell
You may have been made for love...
But I'm just made.

....

we had managed to bullshit the lady at the horse farm into letting us do a trail ride without any supervision. i had enough lingo down to compensate for being a mediocre at best rider. what i lack in experience i make up in blunt optimism that nothing bad'll happen. i almost forgot to secure my saddle before trying to haul myself up. that would have been awkward.
my initial nerves about riding a horse flap away the minute my hand wraps around the horn and i toss my hefty ass up and onto the saddle. it was my guilty pleasure when riding to shimmy into the curve of the saddle for the first time. that purr-inspiring minute where you stretch out your legs and loll back and fourth to feel settled.
the trail horses could have done the trip on auto pilot but i still held the reins like i was a needed part of the process. nope, just a parasite sitting up and smiling at the open space and knowing that we had 60 minutes before even needing to turn the horses around. i'm going to be so bowlegged i won't be able to bend over to pick up a nickle after this...
i tried to enjoy myself and not fixate on the thought of looking like an ass in front of Magda who was pushing a head without a thought of what i was up for. my pride squeezed boots into flank and we took off to catch up. probably didn't breathe in once until we caught up. what a charlatan country boy. while i spoke in rich pastoral myths when thinking about where i grew up, i was still shakey to the core over some things.

amber necklace for mp

originally made this with 4 seeds around the large orange pieces but one broke off. so yanked 3/4 of it off and re-did it with a more sturdy type of bead. probably one of my fav pieces to date.

i know. kitty pics. what else is new?

do you know where your children are?

i was a small time criminal in my youth. the stout middleman smiling as you passed the goods off and willing to fill in the awkward silence before a delivery with relevant chit chat. there is a swell of pride in my chest when i think about how easy it is for me to engage even the dodgiest of scamps in conversations. glad to say that it's served me well over the years and on into my more domesticated corporate incarnation.
"that's a resume builder," Steak always said. "it'll come in handy beyond talking a cop out of arresting you."

i still get the willies when i hear the metallic whir and click of handcuffs being secured. funnier still to watch me induce a panic attack in a back seat of a car if my legs are too cramped. i once hopped into a cab in the morning going to work and immediately started sweating. after the third pull on an already loosened collar the cabbie said i looked about three shades closer to death than when i got into the cab. this is a heavy-handed statement since i'm so bloody pale.
"I just don't know... i just feel sick all of a sudden you know?"
his voice crackled with smokers cough and chuckled. "you been in trouble before?"
Indignant scoff. "Well, HARDLY anything of note."
"this is an old cop car from an auction. the seats' welded back and yer choking on your own breath trying to get comfortable. and i ask you again, ya been in trouble with the law before?!"
my legs were already propped up on the back seat and stretched out. i patted my forehead with a kleenex and willed my red face into being tame.
"god bless the young offenders act that's all i gotta say."

if i was a timid criminal, my friend Maggie was a bold bitch. while i was jostling change in my pockets waiting for a trade off in a parking lot, she was driving her fathers lexus to toronto to do much more sinister dealings.
Sweetie Maggie-pie was immersed in rich girl fixins, but her rebellion laid in the company she kept. hard living blue collar types wafted around her circle of friends and we were never surprised when a new hard as fuck boyfriend clomped over to shake some faggot hands. even those guys were laughing by the time i was done with them. sure i drink tea with a pinkie raised, but i'm more than competent in the arena of butch boy talk.

the hardest motherfucker of them all was Huu... who won extra points from me having "Phuoc Huu" tattooed across his shoulders. Originally i thought it was pun on "fuck you" but it turns out it actually means something along the lines of "one who deserves to be lucky". who knew? regardless he talked even less than Maggie - if that was possible - but once he got rolling he never shut up.

they waltzed in one night after a trek down to visit some of his relatives in toronto and asked me to come bring some bags in. "great, it's a fucking dead body and i'll have to call my lawyer. i'm going to put his kids through university and grad school. ugh."

The bags were way too light though... i thought they were taking the piss out of me when Huu opened one up for me to take a peek. weed. garbage bags filled to the tits with weed.

"wow." i signed wow for Maggie to join in on my surprise.
"i know... my cousin [it was always a fucking cousin... how many can a man have?!] got me a good deal on this."
"So you drove in a Lexus from Toronto to here with 3 garbage bags full of weed. wow."
"it's great stuff too!"

I assumed that the sensation i was feeling was akin to a stroke. i could sit in a bathtub full of this stuff in one bag. [cue herb alpert music with me lolling around in this like a dog on a dead fish]

I signed "wow" again and shook my head. "Well let's move it in before the neighbors think that it's a body."

Huu guffawed loudly and smacked me on the back. "Body! give me a break. I wouldn't bring you a corpse. you don't even have a shovel here do you?"
"No. Definitely no shovel." Note to self: hide shovel in garage.

i turned out just fine. JUST FINE thank you very much. There's nothing to worry about, but you can get a laugh watching me fidget when a cop is walking past me. that's my gift to you.

pics because i feel so guilty about never writing

newest mix making the rounds

summer lessons... too bitchy to leave on facebook

What did i learn this summer?

That a dream job can devolve into a nightmare.

That friendly people at the office are more often than not trying to solicit information to gossip about. Thankfully i know who the honest people are if i want to speak freely.

That i'm not liked by everyone... this is tough for someone like me, but again, good lesson to work on.

Fashion-sense means more than good work to some people... and those people will be amazed when i wear a shirt and tie every day.

Failing upward is a career path for some... but hopefully that's not what i'm doing!

i actually caught myself thinking more than once a month about applying at the smut-shack again for a job.

i am now a full time smoker again... 'tis better to take a butt-break and chill out than to bite someone's head off.

people within the community have no shame in asking me when i will get laid off... "Do you ask this to ANYONE ELSE?" "Well no..." "Why??" "I... I guess because it's rude?" oy.

There's no replicating the old team i started out with last March... and it's time to let that go.

Being The Other Woman isn't as bad as I thought it'd be... but still nothing thrilling.

I am thankful for the good souls in my life who are available for sushi/coffee breaks/taco tuesday attendance/msn conversations.

i am sad that i have [multiple] relatives who have mocked my family for having a gay child. and this queer child has never said anything to be open, just had a short haircut and no boyfriend.

Realizing that my parents have nothing left to be disappointed in other than my sexual orientation... and that they would rather dwell on that than all my achievements.

Understanding that I'm never going back "home" again without being on the defense and tight-lipped.

For as much as I'm distant to family that remain, I am still so over-whelmed in emotions when i look around my grandmothers old farm house and barn -> see photo gallery

For the first time I've wanted to go to China. Like, really bad. And not tourist Chingy China, I want to go see some shit that will throw me on my head with culture shock.

By the end of 2009 I will need to go to Las Vegas to see the Liberace museum. I have come to the epiphany that it's my Graceland pilgrimage.

I like living where i am... i know this is tough to fathom. just try.

lack of sleep makes me loose my mind.

smoking the good stuff ensures i sleep... which is scary, but it's how it goes.

going sober for over a month didn't make me feel better, sleep better or save any money. i just dumped the cash into comic books and stayed up all night reading them.

i am in a negative mindspace but it'll sort itself out by end of year or else it's time to pull up stakes and make another major change.

i also realized that a strange assortment of people actually read these things...

don't be disturbed by the pessimistic slant, i'm always like this. I just don't let people in on it that often:P

back home...

no words. just pics.