i [heart] jim from 'the office'

.......although i have no issue with tim from the british version of the show.
what the fuck did i do to the font?

this is a close up of my old stash tin... it's all poop-ded up from sitting on my table in the basement and progressively getting slathered in pot and resin. still, it's my favourite one

the back of the 'black black' tin... featuring japanese gum wrappers from a flavour that has caffine in it. i ate a bunch at once and it made me feel funny.

fiction - sept 22 2006

"huh. that's a riddle right there, man."
the room was silently rapt in logical thinking... all probably at varying speeds, but we were thinking about it deeply.
"It" being sleeping arrangements. This was like that fox and chicken and island and whatever bullshit variable riddle.
There was one too many people crashing at the apartment. That was a teensy bit of a mix up on my part based on my numeric dyslexia. at least i'm going to use that as an excuse for over counting the number of available sleeping spaces for people. you know, before inviting them all along to slum on couches instead of booking a hotel in advance? right.
One lesbian and partner. One gay man, a very picture of blase co-ed sleeping, but admittedly was sweating things out on this one based on appearance more than personal comfort. One straight boy sans girlfriend. the girlfriend who's also sister of zee dyke. One straight girl who is friend with the sans girlfriend.
Three couches. One bed. Five stoned people.
"And I'm too fucking crippled from pins in my leg to do any stint on the fucking floor. I put my time in. Enough said." I tried not to sound like an old fuck, but I was going to try and hold out for as long as possible on being the douche sleeping on the floor.
"Betty, you share the bed with Ivan."
"Ew."
Exasperated I threw my hands up and waved around an emmory board. "Oh jesus! Come on it's straight forward. It's your sisters boyfriend and you're scared of penises!"
Betty flicked out her hand to ping a box of cigarettes off of me. We turned and adjusted ourselves. A nice laugh at Betty's expense. Too much time stuck in a stoned lump trying to burn up our brains with a stupid sleeping arrangement. Well, why don't I just offer to share the bed? Because Alice will gut you, ass. At least Ivan was having a good laugh with it.
"I'm sure you're just dying to take one for the team on this one Nate."
"Alice didn't talk to me for a week when I waxed Ivan's eyebrows, so I'm going to decline."
"I think it was more the fact that you didn't have your shirts on..."
"I DIDN'T WANT TO GET WAX ON OUR SHIRTS! I've made this very clear!" Bullshit.
"But, you did a good job with the waxing."
"Thank you, Ivan. Some people appreciate my work." I dragged my middle finger through the gap in my eyebrows and stared hard at Betty. Oh yeah bitch, I'm pointing at your monkey brows. Her girlfriend clamped a hand down over her mouth to stem the beer coming back up.
Anne was sprawled out on the floor looking up at the ceiling.. gagging and laughing while trying to inhale on a dead joint.
"Yo, homeslice. Your joint has expired. Hold it up."
A hand popped up beside me on the couch and i gently flammed on the joint. it went down again and i could see that it was back to life. "This is really going to help us come to a decision, is it?"
No response from Anne. Only smoke signals to indicate life below.
"Well..."
"Don't say it Betty."
Betty leaned forward to look down on Anne. "Why don't yoooooooooooou share the bed, Anne?"
Ivan shook his head. "Nuh uh."
"Nuh UH is right! We know this isn't an option." Anne shook her head and took a drag. I snapped my fingers to get it passed to me and paused filing Ivan's nails. He looked down at them and marveled at what everyone should know: short, groomed nails are always good looking and they look better when someone else does them for you. A few deep drags and I passed it on to Ivan.
I fluttered my eyes to the ceiling to feign whistful memories flooding back. "Oh. It was phenomenal to see it. It was, stunning. Just stunning to see."
Anne sighed. "Yes I'm very sure I remember it, thanks."
Betty was looking off and nodding. "Yeah, I mean, she cleared the length of the couch and still landed on you like a cat. BAM!"
Anne cringed. She had passed out on the same couch as Ivan a few years back and Alice went a little.... nuts. In her defence, she was PRETTY tweaked out from doing a 7 day stretch of 12 hour shifts. That and all the lines of ritalin we had done after she got off work. I was standing across the room where I could clearly see the kids passed out on opposite ends of the couch. we had propped them up there to get them out of the way in the main area of the party and also so I could keep and eye to make sure no one choked on their own barf. Ohhh no, I'm not going through that again. Where was I?. Right. Party. Alice. Flip out. So, Betty and I were chatting about the shitty calibre of music when it was just this arching Alice in the air with only a scream when she was directly on Anne trying to knock her face off.
Hoo boy. Drugs or not, we were dealing with a comfortably reactive person here. With due cause we've all put poor baby Ivan into awkward situations without really meaning to.
"Me on this Couch. Betty on that one... Jo on the other one... Ivan in your bed and Anne in the bathtub?"
"Fuck you Betty. You sleep in the fucking tub."
"Maybe if you CLEANED it once in a while it wouldn't be a problem."
"Ooo, okay mother! I'll go clean it right now. Pass that back!"
"Here, here. Smoke it and calm down."
"Let me sleep on the floor! It's fine!" Ivan waved his hands as though we had never thought of this solution and we needed to listen up.
Did I mention that Ivan had been a mere two months out of knee surgery? Shit, that would have helped things. Well, he wasn't in any shape to try and test out ligament surgery results on a cold, hard floor. I whipped back the cigarette box as Betty piped up to agree with Ivan's decision. Bomp!
Enough! I can't stand this! it's killing my buzz! "FINE! I will sleep on the floor!"
"Phhfft! What about your leg Mr. Ed. You know what we do with horses with lame legs right?"
"I will do the floor tonight... But I will suffocate you in your sleep if you snore for one second."
"Don't smother her!" Betty's girlfriend was the only person in the room who seemed distressed by this threat.
"You stay out of this blondie."
"Oh, I brought my snore strips for my nose don't worry my darling Nate."
"How kind..."
Ivan looked down. "Aw, I'm sorry!"
Anne sat up. "Ivan, shush. You take my bed..."
I waited...
"I'll sleep on the couch and so will Betty and Jo and Nate will sleep on the floor."
Why are you such a schmuck for always agreeing to get shafted? Maybe I just get bored with logical thinking after a while...
"Agreed. Now, can we take a vote on smoking the last of the hash before bed. All in favour?"
"Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..."
"All opposed?"
Silence.
"Done. pass me the blow torch please."

fiction - wedding reception

"well, we're late. i hope you're happy. now we're only going to get another 15 minutes before they close the open bar."
"HEY! You know what?! You're fucking LUCKY that I filled in for this shit-show as a favour so let's not loose sight of the facts."
Deflated I made a direct path to the bar and tried to hustle up some caesars and shots of whiskey. Josie loomed behind me looking ticked off, hardly looking at me as she reached over my shoulder to get the shot glass.
"Whata shit-show... We're here for dinner and then we're OUT."
I was too wound up to try to soothe her and burried my face into the chill of the caesar. slow down, you're old and you'll get heartburn.
i almost lost it. almost. i heaved forward and caught it before it got out. i'm not loosing it before getting more free drinks into me.
"Give me two more whiskeys before the bar closes please."
The bartender slapped them out and I chucked them back before Josie could grab them. I took in a deep breath and straightened up. The general din of a full restaurant was dulled down by panes of glass. I could see everyone in there in fuzzy lines... I could hear the bride trying to yell at her grandmother who was too deaf to make things out over the din of the room.
I pulled open the door and avoided eye contact with anyone. no more than 100 people, but the dining area was packed. every seat looked taken. what the fuck?
"Hey, can I help you find your seat?"
"Uh, yeah. it doesn't look like there's anything left."
"Oh..." The waiter looked embarassed. "You must be around the other side."
"Other... side?" We trotted after him as he strode away from the bride and groom and around a corner obscured with a flowing plant. We took a turn for the obscure so it seemed as there was 3 more tables of people tucked around the bend. I looked over my shoulder and saw that we could spy the main table if you stood up and leaned right to avoid the plant.
"What the hell is this?! Are we at the fucking kids table?"
The island of misfit wedding guests. Oh my god, we're in the remedial section.
The waiter turned heel before we could protest and 4 people turned to look at us. Josie was nipping sharply on her nails in a clicky-clack pattern abd I could tell she was just raging.
Courage. Oh god...
My first instinct was to turn around and leave to get chinese food, eat alone in my boxer shorts and maybe have a little cry with some wine n' perkaset. one step forward. There was two seats left. in what was essentially the furthest corner of the restaurant. The end seat was undoubtedly reserved for me.
Josie strode over to the table and picked up the place cards.
"Oh yeah... we're right here. Fucking lovely."
Our dinner partners seemed to be aware of the lowly stature of our table too. A cutesy butch woman sighed. "Welcome to the leper colony. Did you fuck the bride or groom?"
"Bride."
"Oh... yeah?"
"It was university, I went through a straight-curious phase." I went to sit down. Thank god I took that valium before I left the house today or I would have just lost it by now.
The woman smiled again. I was too well trained by my mother to put on the game face instead of letting it leak that I was upset.
"Hey... I'm Nate, this is Josie."
"I'm Meg and this is Frank."
Frank turned away from an animated conversation with his neighbour to adress us.
"Hi! Hannah said something that you're roomates with Anthony Luk?"
"Yeah he was supposed to come with me but had to cancel at the last min.."
"Oh MY god. I dated his sister for EVER. What's Anthony doing now? What's Sarah doing? Have you met Sarah? She was such a cool chick."
Fantastic. Blabbermouth. Thanks for bailing on this Anthony.
"Sarah's good... she's in school out west and... "
"What?! I never thought she'd go back! Good for her... So... You're Nate?"
"I feel as though there's some looming preconception of who I am..."
"Hannah told me about you after you two, you know, broke things off."
Josie scoffed and thumbed out a text message on her phone.
"That's a really nice way of putting it."
"Oh you're telling me? Hannah has a way of leaving a lot of people in her wake."
Meg raised a glass of water. "To the bride traumatizing men!"
I was feeling the flush of the drinks I chucked back. "To Hannah!"
Even Josie cracked a wee grin and we settled back into distracted silence.
Dinner started to roll out. Oh hot damn! they skipped any speeches speeches and went directly to feeding our faces.
"Red or white?"
I had a mouthful of bread when a skinny little waitress came up to the table. In one hand a huge bottle of red and the other white. Both Australian and terribly expensive.
"It's free wine during dinner!"
"We'll take both thanks."
"Come on you have to let me pour them at least."
Meg flickered a clean $50 in between her fingers. "I have $50 here that says leave the bottle here all night and keep them coming. We all promise not to ask for any stupid shit. Right?"
A collective agreement and she put the bottles down on the table.
"Deal... enjoy!"
We turned to the actual meal. What a delight to drop soft pieces of steak into my mouth and pool mouthfuls of sharp red wine in with it.
Meg turned to me and set down her fork. She leaned on one elbow still gripping her steak knife.
"This wedding is a trip... All the family members are so churchy and oblivious. I've never been called sir so many times in my life."
Her wedding date was chomping on some salad and said, "It's because you didn't wax your moustache."
"Hey, back off history boy. It makes me look dignified." She stroked the invisible moustache and flicked a finger at me. "You know what I'm talking about."
I was feeling a bit better and better. Everyone was so helpful and kept filling up my glass for me as soon as it verged on empty.
Josie was deep in conversation with two girls at the end of the table and was letting her dinner go cold trying to chat them up and enthrall them with her tales of money making on stocks. I stabbed a fork into a few of his baby potatos and stuff them into my mouth. they would be engulfed in the deep pool of wine in my gut soon enough.
Eventually Josie stood up to scooch her chair over to hold court with them and I was left to focus on Meg and Frank who bickered terribly but clearly were dear dear friends. that sort of one-liner action that you can only develop through years of knowing each other.
"So where did you two meet?"
"We go to U of T together... I lost a bet so I had to be Frank's wedding date."
Frank grinned with a mouthful of food. "She said I couldn't eat an entire pull off two composition pieces in two nights. Suckah!"
"Music eh?"
"Yeah yeah... I'm in vocal and Frank's in composition. I swear he's sleeping with the fucking professor to have passed..."
"Please! I'm not some unstoppable fucking machine!"
"DID YOU SLEEP WITH THAT PROFESSOR?"
"Well not until the summer term..."
"Jesus! God how I hate you..."
"Vocal? That's a pretty small program at the school..."
"I know... even more horrifying that they took ME as a student."
"I totally think they let you in thinking you were a gay guy."
"Mmhmm... I think they should really bring back the whole castriati thing."
Josie returned to the spot beside me. "Who's getting their balls cut off now?"
"Meg is."
We had a laugh and I noticed that the girls at the end of the table were snickering along with us.
More wine was set down on the table. Skinny girl was shaking her head. "Hardly any of the tables are drinking... Someone actually sent back their steak to be cooked longer than well done. It's whitetrash in the big city out there."
Shit... I had totally forgotten about the world around the corner. At least for a little bit.
"Seriously though, are you studying a specific area of vocal?"
She swished wine around in her glass. "I'm attempting to be the manliest woman to try and do male opera roles."
"That, my dear, is a fantastic idea. Now if you forgive me, I must make a bathroom run."
Josie was enrapt talking to Frank about how to diversify his investments as I left. I went to forage for the bathroom and tried to maintain composure and not stagger... not too much at least.
I saw Hannah and her husband making the rounds at all of the tables. They were a long way away from ours so I had nothing to fear about missing out on too much. I spied the door to the washroom and felt a small bump up behind me.
"It's just me..." Frank was directly behind me and he hustled me through the doorway. I made brief eye contact with Hannah and laughed out loud when Frank grabbed my hips and hurried me along down the hall. This felt a bit more urgent than boy talk in the bathroom. We chugged into the bathroom and directly into a stall. He casually prodded me to lean against a wall and pulled on my tie a little.
"Hannah said that you'd been gay until you were with her?"
"Correction, always was gay. She just confirmed all doubts and suspicions."
"So... You only date men mostly?"
Oh I know where this is going. A snog won't hurt anyone will it? I pulled him in for a quick kiss, only vaugly aware of heels clicking down the hall to the bathroom.
"Nate? Franics? Are you in here?"
Busted. There was only one stall door closed.
"Uh... yes?" Like a well-timed delivery we said it at the same time. Damn it.
"Are... you... Um, I just wanted to say thank you for the lovely gifts."
Frank was rummaging around below the belt, making it hard to maintain a normal train of thought.
"Oh... GOOD... good I'm glad you liked it." I couldn't even remember what it was. I bought it the day that the invitation arrived in the mail. God I hope it wasn't something backhanded and bitter.
"Ok, well... I'll let you get back... to... it... I guess? Come to the table and meet Jack will you?"
"SURE..." I swatted away a very persistant hand. "I mean, sure thing Hannah."
She turned heel to leave and I charged at Frank to thump him up against the opposite wall.
Oh god knows how long we were in there. People clearly came in and out, but I don't think we were too obvious. Well, other than the two sets of mens dress shoes clearly in the stall. No matter! I was becoming less and less fixated on my first and last female relationship and more on how I was going to keep my pants up for the remainder of the wedding.
"Muhhf... Muh... Ok ok... We should get back before we come out with godamn boners."
"oh my GOD!"
Damn it! Someone had come into the stall beside us. Forgot that part. Frank laughed and pulled me out of the stall to run out before our guest could identify us. Being classy, we had staggered exits out of the door but we still looked guilty as fuck.
We made it back to the table where Meg was chatting away with Josie.
"Odjajhi reserve huh?"
"Woah! No one fucking knows that place."
"Oh sweetie I know it well. I used to work on the youth choir council with..."
"Mr. Robertson?!"
"Ha! The very same."
"Jesus... that's a long time ago. I used to date a boy in highschool who trained with Mr. Robertson's quote/end quote wife."
"Huang! No!"
"Yes, Mrs Huang... Queen of the 4 hour long rehersal.... and the emotional duress of extended teaching lessons. I know it well. I spent many a morning sleeping on the steps of her basement while Dallas had clarinet lessons."
"Quite the lady, I know. How do you think I felt? I would have dinner with Mr. Robertson and her when I was in town for workshops or for performances with Mr. Roberston's chamber choir group."
"Huang! Shit, I haven't heard that in a long time. From a statistical point of view, Dallas would cry every third lesson. This is the fucking guy who survived seeing a parent be murdered, lived through foster homes and pretty much could stand up to anyone... crying, like a lost calf when she told him his staccato was uninspired."
"tut tut, poor soul..."
"you're telling me. How is a 17 year old supposed to get any action when your boyfriend is sobbing over messing up a music piece that he was a teensy bit slow on the third page? Tell me that!" Frank's foot was reaching over to my leg, lightly, but still a bit thrilling.
"Indeed, it would be hard to manage."
Frank stared at me directly but threw a proposition out there. "Meg! you should sing something! Come on, I feel bad that we only got them a $45 gift certificate for the bookstore."
"So you don't feel bad about whoring me out to a restaurant full of people after I get shitfaced and I would sound like hell?"
He nodded in agreement. "What aren't you getting here?"
"What on EARTH would I do for this crowd? Have you noticed that we're on our fifth bottle of cabernet because everyone out in the general population is holding out to see if they'll open up a bottle of zinfindel?!"
It popped out of my mouth before I could stop myself. "Vecchia Zimarra from La Boheme."
Silence. Frank gaped at me. "That's perfect. Begging for money to look after someone who's dying? I LIKE IT! No one will fucking know what you're saying if it's in Italian. Do it Meg!"
"Wouldn't you think that it's a bit gauche to sing about death and misery on someone's wedding day?"
"Yes it would be gauche if anyone in here was at a level above amoebic white trash. Let's do this!"
Hannah was finally making her way over to the banished tables. "Hi everyone! Thanks for coming today. My god you must all be having fun. We can hear you all laughing and carrying on in the back."
I gulped back a mouthful of wine. "We'll be quiet in a minute, I promise. Meg wanted to know if you'd be ok with her singing an opera piece... Our gift to your new love." We all raised a glass and smirked at the pouting groom. Yes buddy, I was the fag that fucked your fiance when you were on a "break".
"I would love for you to sing something... Come out to the front... All of you!"
Meg looked behind her shoulder with a terrified look. I winked and followed her out.
Frank bellowed to get everyone's attention. "Everyone! Please! My friend here wants to present a wedding song!"
It was lovely... It was miserable! The wrong thing to bring out for a wedding filled with hope for the future. A sad and mournful piece about begging for money and selling ones jacket. Perfection. Everyone was enrapt with confusion. Not really an opera crowd I guess.... What a backhanded wedding gift....
----------

fiction sept 20 2006

"I don't know why you're so fucking mopey." Josie pulled on a white and red striped straw and sucked back the remainder of a milkshake.
my stomach quivered from the steady poison of mushrooms and thick shots of Jagermister. dead and still eyes looking back at Josie and being so mad. so utterly mad, but i'm not able to show it.
She took out her cell to make a few calls while i crossed my arms around me and leaned forward. i began to obsess that i would get sick in the diner. spewing up everything and they'd know i was high. they could see the lurching pieces of illegal fungus and they'd know.... yes, they were definately going to find out.
"Yeah... No... The show was a blow out. My date was a no-show and now i have to babysit nate who's traumatized..."
"fuck you."
"What did you say? Anyways, yeah. Total blow out! I got a hotel room and everything. Phhpht."
Correction. We BOTH got a hotel room. You were just adamant that I wasn't going to sleep there tonight and instead you could have it all to yourself AND LEAVE ME ALONE ALL NIGHT IN THIS CITY!
I pounded the table with a fist. Josie shot me a look and motioned her hand downwards for me to simmer. Thankfully my rant hadn't actually escaped my mind
My stomach twinged. I always felt like I was loosing the high in the end of taking mushrooms. like it was dying inside me and just sputtering out of my guts and into raw organic bits of shit. as i curled downwards i let my head lay on the paper placemat. all i could see was the year of the monkey... "Should not speculate with money..."
Why me? Why do I always trap myself in these endless circles of stupidity?
My ex was a dazzling piece of flaming intelligence. he had just finished his doctorate and decided that he should really show his more interesting and less academically-focused attention on people other than me. pretty much he had money and a reputation so i was cut loose as a celebration of his new job. I can't really recall loosing it over a man in recent years but I went ape. Pure highschool style insanity-oh-god-i'll-never-love-again-bullshit. This was my long term investment love and bam, he started dating a business undergrad TA who was juiced into the board of directors via his very liberal mother, the dean of arts. Oh it was repulsive.
His new mother in law came over a few weeks ago with some vegitarian eggplant bake fandango bullshit while i was locked outside waiting for him to come home. i was probably on a bit more valium than I should have bought illegally... and I probably shouldn't have been THAT drunk on a Thursday morning... but I was a walking wreck. she immediately swept around me in whatever caftan hippy garb for office professionals she had on.
"My, what's wrong?"
"Oh lady... lady... You shouldn't be talking to me. I should go." Naturally the booze and tranquilizers make me forget about my low bloodpressure. and maybe they made it worse. I stood up quickly and toppled back into a light faint. It was only a few seconds before I came to looking up at coral lipstick and turquoise eye liner. Is this an angel? do angels look like stevie nicks in a blazer with multiple scarves?
"HONEY! Are you OK?"
"Stop stop! I'm fine! It's my blood pressure. I'm just upset..." I crawled on all fours to try and get away from her trying to do some reki on me no doubt.
"You don't understand.... I'm Nate. I'm just here to get some of my stuff and I have to go."
She paused. Oh shit... now what?
"Look, it's none of my business, but that's pretty cold to date for 3 years and then get dumped for a 21 year old teachers aid."
"21! 21!"
"Robby skipped a few grades and did an accellerated business degree.. ."
Dumped for someone nearly 10 years younger than me. I think I want to go inside, get my stuff and then gut myself on his stupid fucking bed. Not that I'm being dramatic or anything.
"Look sweetie, I know what it's like to get the rush when someone moves on with their career. Do you see a ring here? No sir. Don't just sit around waiting all your life. Now, Robby said you were the photographer? You should come to Gesh View on Friday for my art show. I'd love to have some professional shots from different people."
It felt like getting the lollypop and pat on the head after a rubella shot. There, there. You're a fucking looser, but you can take pictures, can't you? That's a good boy.
I took the invitation and directions she jotted down on the back of a phone bill envelope. Folding it up I wiped my eyes and stood up.
"I'm going to head out. Tell Jason I'll come by and pick up my stuff later."
"I insist you come to the show darling! It's the best way to move on."
Ugh. Shut up hippy lady that's too young to be a real hippy!
Josie had only agreed to come with me as an initial chaperone to the art show when i advised her that the new vapid twat who plays a lesbian on a tv program would be there.
ughghh... It was hipster heaven/hell. I snapped off a bunch of pictures and sighed. what a gig. the only thing that kept me from hanging myself off of the ladder installation piece was knowing a new guy was going to meet me there. we had been chatting in the mornings at the coffee bar for a month and I finally blurted out to him that I was semi working at an art show as a photographer of guests, but I'd like for him to come. he was taken aback but looked pleased that I had finally alerted him to my interest instead of always looking depressed and shy when I declined his offers to go out and get a drink sometime.
I had gone the added distance and showed up dressed nicely instead of the "the insurance sales man's last days before a heroin overdose" look i had been rocking: A whole lot of stubble and a lot of dress shirts and ties from the 50's I had been obsessively buying from a used clothing store down town. I opted for the same clothing but instead treated myself to a new shirt and tie since I couldn't be bothered to wash any other things I had. Hell, I even shaved and got a little hair trim.
There we were... Josie looking around the room for her pseudo lesbian hero and me popping off pictures of some retarded floppy-hair douche who had always hated my work but had the audacity to be quoted as "adoring" my work in a recent Weekend Post Arts review to get his name in print. I was taking glee in fully capturing his second chin when the coffee shop boy came around the corner.
Brown shirt, brown tie, brown saddle shoes. Yes yes yes that's what I'm wearing and coffee shop boy looked equally cute in a kicky tshirt and dress coat combination. Le sigh. I don't believe in rebound dating, but I could really get used to looking at this one.
I saddled up to him with a pleasant smile [i was good and only had a half an e before i came] and told him to hold still for a picture.
Ah. So cute... and then a vaguely familiar guy approached us. Where do I know you from and why are you highjacking my coffee shop boy art show date?
He was funny and drew us in... He was too good to be true and i felt myself folding up into silence and timid insecurity. I held out for 30 minutes and then had to get back to taking pictures... leaving them behind to converse and looking over at them laughing... the ursurping prick getting closer and closer... Serves you right for blowing him off so long. Maybe he can sense your desperation to get on with things and get it on with someone new.
I looked away to spy my one-and-only-for-a-short-while ex by the bar with his boy toy looped around his waist like an attachment. My only hope was they weren't laughing at me... well, it was my hope at first. As I worked the room, taking more and more shitty shots I saw my coffee boy migrate over to my ex with his new friend in tow.
The familiar face was one of Jason's cronies from school who I had only met at a few grad pub functions. His arm was around the coffee shop boys and the jig was up. Jason had sent in his smoothest talking friend to swoop in and lick the ear of any guy who looked somewhat interested in me.
Pretty much after that I was in a terrified buzz of anger and the additional drugs I collected from people at the party. The mushrooms had probably been too much introspection for such a depressing night, but no matter.
maybe it's what I needed? maybe I need to be at home and under the blankets... under the blankets, folded up safely from myself and from everything trying to get me and not locked into mute anger in an all night diner.

mix-o

where we're calling from - doves
n.y. - doves
in the morning - junior boys
death or life we want you - the dears
cause = time - broken social scene
misunderstood - wilco [live in Chicago]
tuff ghost - the unicorns
boy from school - hot chip
like a child - junior boys
fear made the world go 'round - the dears
flagpole sitta - harvey danger [gay i know. i think it's cute]
daylight - coldplay [gay, but there's no available excuses for this one]
chicago - sufjan stevens [so sue me i just saw 'little miss sunshine']
miss misery - elliot smith [yes it's over played but it mixed well in this order]
blue sky - jason collet
night birds - ryan adams
mr. brightside - the killers [accoustic] fuck off and die let me enjoy some pop music!

i always seem to end mix cd's with this underworld song....

sigh your children - ...and you will now them by the trail of dead
east van - memphis
on repeat - lcd soundsystem
i love you - the dandy warhols
poor places - wilco
50 gallon drum - buck65
useless - depeche mode
hands away - interpol
painter in your pocket - destroyer
title and registration - death cab for cutie
inoculate the innocuous - the unicorns
everything must go - the weakerthans [cbc session live edit BOOYA I'M AN INTRAWEB ASSHOLE]
mistake pagent - idlewild
galang - m.i.a.
electioneering - radiohead
luetin - underworld

fiction and a little bit of reality

"what? what will you do?"
"you don't want to know... just don't do it."
Ari was being a prat and the people milling around us at the bar were listening in. His newest facination was to take a pubic hair and put it on a white card. from there he would crank it through a card laminating machine that he had found at a rummage sale. There were over 10000 plastic sleeves and there certainly weren't that many business cards in his wallet that needed laminating. Over-stocked with these items he had recently decided to take it upon himself to find ways to get rid of them.
Creativity had evolved into spectacular gross behaviour and he was amassing a collection of pube cards. To my horror he was handing them out to unexpecting friends and had threatened to give me one.
"I would put that right up there with assault."
"What?! It's in plastic! It's sealed shut!"
"IT'S YOUR FUCKING PUBES YOU DIRTY PRE-VERT MONKEY!"
The waitress approached us and then walked away.
We frantically waved her back and assured her that we would behave while she was there. After the orders were placed we stood in silence. Me fuming and Ari staring at some university kids.
His brother Yosef was making his way through a packed bar crowd with Chana in tow.
Chana gave the death stare to someone who accidentally bumped into her and was still trying to stare the girl down. Yosef was keen to get a few drinks in and move on to smoking some weed but we had to make an effort to look like we gave a shit about someone's birthday.
"Why the hell are we here? It's all a bunch of fuckin' university students."
"Did you see her run into me? Where's the decency in people? She didn't even say sorry!" I was still pouting over the pube card discussion and she picked up on it. "What's the issue? You have a fight with your little boyfriend?"
"Go on, Ari. Tell her."
He pulled out a sample card and held it up to her. She leaned in close straining to make out what it is. Her glassed slid down her nose and she eyeballed the card more. Wait for it. Wait. Wait for it... Her eyes widened and the tell-tale rage shakes fluttered up her body.
Yosef had turned his attention back to us and caught sight of the pube card and rushed to Chana to hold her back. I thrust out my arm to hold her back as her hands arched into pointy nails and writhing fingers attempting to claw Ari's face off as he laughed at her.
"Yossi! Hold your little friend back!" Ari reached into his pocket and faned out 6 cards to waggle in front of Chana's snapping mouth spewing out yiddish disses. I'm sure it would have made your skin crawl if you knew what the hell she was saying.
"I'll rip your smug homo face off! You pig!"
Yosef and I held her back and I wrapped a thick arm around her from behind. She pushed against me like a dog waiting to be set free. I sipped my beer with my free arm and gestured towards Ari. Using my best soothing tone I talked into her ear.
"Our friend here doesn't think that there's anything wrong with his. He doesn't think that there's a reason to flip out."
"Yossi, come on, you thought it was funny..."
"I thought it was funny when it was yours... It's not funny to have amassed a library of my friends god damn pubic hair."
"Look! I got Paul to give me one of his!" He held up one of the newest cards and Yosef looked horrified. Paul was one of his most vibrantly homophobic friends and couldn't imagine him letting Ari fish around in his shorts to pluck out a hair. Even I was agog.
"OK now, your pube game is fucking sick but I'm impressed with this one."
"Thank you Nate. I knew you'd come around on it. See? It's thrilling and fun!"
"Oh my god... did you get permission to get this or did you wait until he was sleeping?!"
Ari quickly put the card into his shirt pocket and took a sip of beer.
"Fuck... you fucking idiot. So help me god, if you took this off of him when he was sleeping I will not protect you when he comes to sever your balls from your body."
"I plead the fifth on this one."
Chana was still wrapped up under my arm but was gradually relaxing. Probably out of joy thinking about telling Paul the whereabouts of a rogue pubic hair.
"You two are clearly overreacting. Seriously, what the hell would you do if I gave you one of these cards when you weren't expecting it? Nothing! It's wrapped in plastic. It's harmless."
As three voices we yelled louder than needed. "IT'S YOUR PUBES!" followed with assorted spatterings of curses and heads shaking in disbelief.
Chana took my beer and swilled back a hearty dose. "You know what I'd do?"
I gave her a motivational hug. I love it when she's in a rage, it's always fraught with creative insults.
"I would wait until you least expect it... Maybe the next day, maybe the next month... But you wouldn't see it coming. I'll wait until you can't see me. I'll wait until you're in a room with a boy you're trying to impress. I'd jam my hand down my pants and fish around in my cunt for a minute. Like, we're talking four fingers, triple-knuckle deep jammed in there. I'd get them in there as far as I could go, yank it out and paint your face with my pussy juice."
Yosef and I hollered with laughter.
"Yessir, I'd paint you up real nice and I'd put two fingers up your nose so just washing your face won't fix it. you'll have to smell it for days on end. And just when you think it's gone you'll realize it's not actually "there", it's in your psyche. It'll never leave your mind. Every day you'll wake up and think, "Someone played finger paints on my face with vaginal fluid and I will never be the same.""
"That's a little harsh! See, just touch the card!!! It's nothing!"
I was mid sip and almost spat out a gradually warming Stella onto Chana's shoulder.
"Holy jesus we're going to get thrown out! You! Cards away. You! Calm down and rein it in!"
"Hey... Hey... Chana... Calm down. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Here, take my card and call me any time."
Oh god that's it... She's going to stab him as he laughs. No matter. Some beer and a resolute promise to get stoned later would help I'm sure.

...and you will know us by this mix cd - september 8 2006

i made a ...and you will know us by the trail of dead sampler cd for my roomates. i'm going to the toronto show with them and decided to make a compact little review of the albums. er, the ones i like anyways.

...and you will know us by this mix cd - september 2006
and you will know them...
mistakes and regrets
blight takes all
clair de lune
flood of red
mark david chapman
aged dolls
sigh your children
another morning stoner
how near how far
heart in the hand of the mat
relative ways
ode to isis
will you smile again for me
the summer of '91
a classic arts showcase
the best
intelligence

fiction - aug 19 2006

"Tomorrow never fucking comes, does it?!"
Ben and I were shaking the shit out of someone who was falling behind on our easy-to-follow payment schedule.
"It's not that hard! Pay us and we stop beating the shit out of you!"
The pleading and then trying to scream for help when we loosen up a little. Like anyone comes to the rescue anymore.
"Shh... shhh... SHUT UP. Shhh... Are we cool? Are we going to yell again?"
Ben had him in a one-hander choke, and I was petting his hair watching his eyes push out from the skin seams of his sockets. it's a facinating thing really.
"Piggy! I need you to shut up and listen. OK?"
He nodded and tears burst out from the sides. Probably more from the lack of oxygen than remorse. Ben was squeezing the shit out of this guys neck, but what's the point in telling him to ease off? What? Like we want to avoid hurting him?
"Phhlll... phhllleee...."
"Ready to talk?"
Wide eyes pooling with tears and filling up with terror. Yes yes I'll talk.
Ben loosened his hand and drew it away slowly... One deep breath in.
"Aagghghhhhh! help meeeee!" Only it came out in a strangled pile of noise. Nothing that actually was auidable beyond a 5 foot radius... But that's besides the point. I'm not mad. I'm disappointed in you, Piggy. Really disappointed.
Ben snapped him up again and charged him into the brick wall.
"Piggy! You motherfucker! Why aren't you doing this the nice way?"
Bang bang thump! Piggy wasn't doing so hot.
"Ben, hold him." I started rifling through Piggy's pockets. Bill clip. Empty. Wallet? $180 dollars? What the hell.. He had no intentions on paying us back at this meeting. Digging around some more. Hello? What's this? A fucking awesome flip head knife! Click. It came open and I admired the beautiful blade. This was the type of jabber you have to take in to get professionally sharpened. Real nice nice like. You could gut a fucking grizzly bear with this...
Piggy was really scared now.
"Were you going to show up and flay us with this shank, Piggy? 'Cause I'm pretty sure you don't go around with this sort of blade every day. Fine. Fine. I'm sick of this."
I fished around for car keys and put a hand on Ben's shoulder. Let's get back to his place and rob him. We're wasting our time."
He collapsed in a weezy little pile of wrinkled suit and coughs.
Ben called Boss Lady and brought her up to speed. He grunted a few times and hung up.
"What's the news?"
"Go back to his place and take as much as we can and then if he doesn't call the police we're all even-steven."
"Even-Steven?"
"That's what mom said."
"Pfft. Hardly worth the trouble. You better have some good shit at the house Piggy!"
His hand was wavering up. No? No? No... No? No, oh lord! he's trying to pull out another knife from his sock. You've got to be kidding me. He was dizzy and couldn't even stand up without leaning on the wall.
"Gabby, my hand's tired... Come on. You always get to be the one who screams and I choke.."
"Alright you big suck."
This knife was definately less intimidatingly cool... but with jagged edges... this thing would rip the shit out of things if they were weilded properly. Sadly Piggy was in no shape to be any threat.
"Drop it OK? You loose. You owed money from being a degenerate gambling fuck and we're calling it in. Your fault. So let's put down Mr. Stabby Stabby and call it a day eh?"
He made a sad wobbly lunge but I caught hold of his hand and yanked the knife out. Please. This is just sad.
"Give Piggy the Drywaller."
"Oh that's been done before."
"Come on! Drywaller!!"
"Wha? The what?"
"I guess you deserve to know what it is before I do this. See, drywalling contractors have a rather dangerous job you know? Everyone just thinks they prop up sheets of wall and that's it. Let me tell you, that actual drywall shit is sharp as all hell and it can really do some damage. Not to mention all the tools you need to cut it down to size. I got the idea watching someone at work and then, ya know, have a little accident. The guy sliced along his hand. Right along the side where your pinkie is, right in the middle. He cut it down to the bone and ka-pwing! it snapps all these muscles. the doctors can sometimes get up in your arm and look for them, but most of the time they're gone for good like some elastic you launch into the air."
"Huh?"
I twisted his arm roughly to flash the side of his hand towards my face. in my free hand i whisked the blade through Piggy's hand with a swift gesture. Sometimes I like to think of the muscles fraying and pulling away from each other. Snap and then all that blood... the hand instantly curls on the one side and it'll probably stay that way for a long time. I dropped the kinfe beside him. He wasn't even making a noise. Rolling on the ground stunned and clutching at blood and the open flap that won't stop until someone puts stitches in.
"Piggy, my advice is to take this $10 and cab it to the hospital. Here buddy, I'll even leave you your Health Card so it's nice and easy."
Ben and I left to go look for the car.
"He drives a Saab."
"Oh gross! You take it I'll take your car up to the house."
"Hey, Gabs, wipe up or you're fucked if a cop pulls you over."
"Gotcha. See you in 10."

mix-o august 8 2006

kc accidental - broken social scene
black milk - massive attack
bad luck -royal city
hotcha girls - ugly cassanova
run - air
blight takes all - ...and you will know us by the trail of dead
wow - snow patrol
what does it feel like? - felix da housecat
me and madonna - black strobe
positive tension - bloc party
we never change - coldplay
enjoy - bjork
too much love - lcd soundsystem
can i please have an order of girl with a side of confused - despistado
sunspots - nine inch nails
morning bell - radiohead
reservations - wilco
i'm still your fag - broken social scene

fiction - august 4 2006

I was leaning against brick and finishing up the dregs of a cigarette. Looking around the parking lot was still. No new cars and no one leaving the restaurant.
Fuck!
I kicked the brick pillar to burn off some fury and searched for another smoke. Good! Fucking good and great! I have two left and I can't even run across the road to get more.
I had been in front of Jiao Zi for what felt like the better part of a day. Or more importantly the majority of the time that I was awake and hungry. Anthony was sitting in his car parked across the street glaring at me. I couldn't take this! I started walking to the street to cross and Anthony honked the horn. Through the traffic he shrieked in a terrifyingly angry voice, "GET BACK THERE AND GET THAT EGG PLANT!"
"FUCK YOU! NO ONE IS GOING TO GET IT FOR US! I NEED SMOKES SO LET'S SWI..." He rolled up the window and ignored me. Prick piece of shit mother fucking gym bunny stuck up miserable whiny bitch pseudo fag goddamnhellass FUCK! I steamed with clenched fists thinking about every nasty thing I could think of...
Ding-da-ding.
The doorchimes... Someone was leaving! I quickly walked over to them but stopped when the husband made eye contact. I had already asked them on their way into the restaurant and the mad had pushed me around a little. Which is understandable... I guess. I put my hands up and backed off as he shook his head and quickly escorted the woman to a car.
Damn it.
Comming around the corner was a mass of voices. Students! Oh glory be...
A pack of university students with knap sacks came around the corner... Glory be to the gods of irony! One of them comes to the porn store. Praise! Glory! Eggplant!!!
He saw me and froze as the group kept walking. Way to give me the upper hand.
"Hey... Hey! Hey guys... Can I ask you a favour?"
The group stopped and eyed me up suspiciously. The guy who rented from the porn store still held back and looked sick with worry that I would tell all his little friends he liked tranny on tranny porn the best.
"Could I give you $20 to get me a take out order of eggplant and chili?"
One girl spoke for the gaggle of boys. "What? Go in and get it yourself! What? You're too high and mighty to sit in a Chinese restaurant?"
That's it. I'm burned out to all hell. I'm hungry beyond all compairisons and Anthony had dragged me here to try and solicit people to buy food. Ping! There's that little noise! The little noise in my head when I'm about to flip out.
I moved forward in an agressive pounce and stood over her. I looked down and widened my eyes.
"Do you not think that if I could WALK ON IN THERE that I would have done that? Do you think that I'm just standing out here because I won't talk to Chinese people?! You know what? I fucking love everyone! I love 'em. LOVE EM SO MUCH THAT I WILL DO STUPID THINGS LIKE THIS!"
The students looked scared. This won't help.
Breathe. "Kids, I'm sorry. I would go in, but they won't serve me."
"What did you do?"
"Nothing... It's just they get it in their mind that you can't handle the food... and it changes."
Still a pack of confused faces.
"Look, unless I get someone who's Asian or East Indian to go in and order this, they'll make it without the chilis and they won't make it as good."
"That's bullshit!"
"You know what's bullshit? You telling me I'm making this up! Do you think I like hanging out in fucking plazas in a the heat on a Sunday asking people to buy me fuckingeggplantandchili?!"
"Come on guys, I have a fierce craving for eggplant now..." She led the pack past me and left me there with a $20 in hand. Denied. Not for long.
"Hey... Hey HEY!"
The group turned around.
"Be kind... Please rewind will you?"
The tranny fanatic froze. I never want to get between a man and his smutty desires, but I'm desparate.
The Tits 'n Dick guy suddenly spoke up. "Come on guys, you know they give the run around to white people... Let's just get it for him OK?"
Another guy spoke up. "Hey fuck man, you have to realize that they don't want people to treat this place like a fucking buffet for seniors."
"I know! I respect that! And this is why my roomate is so hooked on this stuff. It's SO GOOD but it never tastes the same as when the right person orders it. Please, please i'm sorry I was psycho. I just want an order and I'm out of here."
Tranny Boy nodded and walked back to take the $20. With my lips shut I threw my voice softly as he came up to me. "Im so sorry... i'm desparate. free rentals this week?"
"Make that this month."
I yanked the $20 out of his fingers.
"Don't get greedy." I hissed.
"I don't think you want me to walk away right now."
"I don't think you want your little friends to know what we're negotiating about."
"Three weeks and I'll bring it out to you as soon as it's done."
"Deal. Keep the change."
I relaxed and turned away from the group. Fuck, that's shameful. Negotiating over free rentals to feed my roomate."
I slumped down to the sidewalk and waited. I'll faint if I have another cigarette. 10 minutes... 20 minutes. They're not coming back.
Ding-da-ding. I looked up... I half expected them to keep the $20, but out came Tranny Boy with a take out bag. He set it down beside me and stuck out a hand full of change.
"Honey, keep it. I'm an ass for trying to embarass you. That's not me... that's the hunger talking."
"No no... take it... My friends are looking through the window. Just take it."
"Thanks."
"No problem."
"See you tomorrow then? Er, ah... Sorry. That's tacky."
He sighed and walked away. Suddenly Anthony was there in the parking lot waiting for me to get in.
"The bag feels heavy. Fuck! I bet they just chucked rocks covered in red sauce in there!"
We rooted through the bag. TWO orders of eggplant and chili, TWO containers with broccoli and cashews and... and... And one order of ginger duck? This was way more than I had asked for.
"What the hell is all this?"
"Hey... Hey, look. It's your little friend."
The busboy was looking out the window at us. With a small grin. He was the same guy that the waitresses had sent out to my table the last time I dared to eat in. They pushed him towards us with poking fingers and made him try to run around and clear tables and serve my friend Kel. Poor thing was lost and unsure since, you know, he's the motherfucking busboy not a waiter. Kel and I had walked over to the area where the waitresses were congregated and pointed at the busboy to come over. In a touching ceremony I presented him money for the bill and Kel and I each gave him a snappy $20 for being nice enough to try. The waitresses looked gob-smacked and we walked out... I never thought that he'd still be here five years later.
"Wave to the boy, he made sure we got fed today."
We waved and he looked swelled up with a good deed.
"Let's get this shit home to eat. I'm sick of doing your dirty work today."

fiction - july 30 2006

it was frighteningly hot out on the patio. stupid fucking natural sunlight and all that rot. i wiped the top of my lip again and tried to mop up the sweat beading around my sunglasses. i looked over my shoulder at the restaurant and sighed. 7 feet away from airconditioning and i'm stuck out in the heat watching my beer go piss warm from the sun and smog.
"Nate... Nate! Isn't that your ex?"
I scanned the sidewalk for him until i was cast in a shadow. he had gotten the drop on me and strode towards me. bastard was probably sitting inside where it's nice and cool. in tow there was a boy with a shaved head... a proper little mini me that looked over his shoulder from behind and focused a nasty glare on me.
I, I was a glorious mess, but wasn't too concerned. I was butting out one cigarette as an unlit one bounced around in my lips. my lighter was hot to the touch but I cooly lit up and feigned suprise. "Oh! You. I know you."
"Hi Nate."
Too happy looking. Too polite and not enough threatening to kill me. I was unsure what the fuck was happening. A show for the boy? Please.

My forearm was bandaged up to the elbow and snaked with blood that had peaked out from the gauze. I was dazed from trying to party hard after putting my fist through a window. Not enough blood to carry the booze around.
A few friends had caught me in a net of moral obligation to try and look after friends who are drunk and on the edge of collapse. it hadn't been too inspiring don't worry. they had simply kept me propt up in a cushioned booth to hold their coats and bags while they danced all night. gradually i found the balance of one shooter to every bottle of water. my skin was warm purple under the black lights. i don't recall sleeping on the fouton with my pants off and shirt over my head. Some how those moments were bridged together... with shit, well shit that I totally couldn't remember. But I could go for some food... and hence how i was duped into sitting outside in the patio... food yes, beer yes, sitting like peasants in the sun? Ew.

I kind of recall breaking the window... i remember knocking on Adelle's door... knocking and knocking... screaming at her to come out and pay me. what a scary mess. i banged my fist against the door for her to come out. i was expecting the panes of glass around the door to be treated... you know... the institution grade that you can dent at best? my hand flew through the section of glass and snared a fair bit of skin with it. i'm sure i did more damage yanking it out to examine it. Adelle burst out the door crying and pouding her hands on me to leave. I hoisted a gory arm up.
"Adelle, I broke your window. I... I didn't mean to do that. I just wanted you to come out."
She was stunned by the rivers of wet lines falling down my forearm and darted back inside.
"Adelle! Holy shit! Adelle!! I didn't mean to break the glass.... Please let me in... Call a fucking ambulance if you won't let me in."
She cried inside and I tried not to get enraged. Crying? Crying? I'll give you something to cry about. Leave me out here bleeding all over the fucking deck and all you can do is cry? I could have easily reached back through the hole to undo the deadbolt but that might be crossing a line.
I started down the porch steps and felt as though i was being slowly set into water. fully aware but slipping into something that was holding me inclosed. walking walking walking to the back yard. I yanked off some shirts from her laundry line and tied a tshirt around my arm. i secured it with a long sleeve shirt that I knotted the sleeves around to hold it all together. it was pushing through the material quickly. i better go to the hospital. yes, you can show up drunk and high at someone's place and not know what brought you there, but you have enough sense to get to a hospital? I guess i'll always be a little hypochondriac until I die so i cant resist the thought of a hospital inturn working on me and pretty much trying to ruin someone else's day.
ding-a-ling! i hear the streetcar. what luck! i think i can make this one. i was keeping it pretty straight looking until the driver looked down at my homemade bandage.
"Holy my god... Are you ok?"
"You know what would make me better?"
He shook his head and looked completely shit-scared.
"I'd feel a fucking lot better if you let me on so I can get to the hospital."
His face went hard and looked forward. I'm sure he was just concerned that i was going to bleed to death in the back.
I walked down the middle isle and people pulled back like waves of disgust. all silently saying the transit riders prayer of "don't let this whacko sit beside me..."
Finally I found a good little spot to stand and try not to faint. wow, i'm cut good. my whole arm feels icy cool yet i'm feeling a bit warm. don't forget to yank the cord to tell the man to let me off.
ding ding! ha ha... baby feels dizzy. i'm smiling at the noises around me.
and uh... wow. it just fades back into my mind like a little shiver. here and gone and there's just a small physical reminder... with stiches... and man do i need a drink.
I do remember making a rather forward trip through the gay ghetto to see if i could find someone who owed me money. someone had to cough up a drink.
Plowing through groups flitting around and chatting i cut through a group of semi friends and well wishers.
"Nate? Nate! Fuck man, did you try and slit your little wrists princess?"
Turning around to see who was talking to me I felt like wilting. I twiddled some fingers in the air to say hello and pop! down down down oh fuck the sidewalk looks dirty....
Gracious. There I am, looking up at a halo of men around me staring, concerned and asking me if I need an ambulance. cell phones already in hand. the fuckers will call for the ambulance but'll never stick around when the cops show up. no no no... no ambulance!
Seth cut in with some random friend and hoisted me up.
"It's OK! No ambulance... We got him."
Backs turned away and back to their original conversations. fuck, someone could have just claimed they knew me and dragged me to god knows where while i was passed out.
"God damn... could have taken me away... bastards... you..."
"What's he saying?"
Seth huffed trying to drag me up and away to press me up against a solid surface. "I have no clue what he's saying. Just hold him up for a minte."
I got a shot of heat inside of me. Awake! Pull yourself together! Seth owes you money! You can hit him up and get a drink!
"SETH! YOU MONEY ME FUCKING YOU KNOW WHAT TO DRINK!"
They looked back stunned. Seth pinched my cheeks in his hand. "I choose my words carefully: Get you and your shit together now before I leave you standing here."
Poof. Jerk. Dick. I'm clearly lacking a few quarts of blood and he's mad at mefor being embarassing? but... it IS rather tough to extract money from someone when they're hostile.
"Seth... sorry... I just got out of the hospital. I cut myself on glass and needed stiches. Just feeling a little MESSY. Am I right?"
He looked disgusted.
"Give me that $50 you owe me."
"You COCK! Ben, we're leaving."
I walked out after them swaying a little each step.
"Oh sure I'm a cock when you owe me money! For GOD SAKES SETH LISTEN TO ME!" I cut loose a yell that was a two-pronged approach of unecessary and hysterical. Seth stopped dead and charged at me with arms out to herd me back. I thumped into the wall again and his boy toy looked over his shoulder worried.
"You want a drink? Fine. I'll get you a fucking drink."
"What?! He can't come with us! You said it was just my friends tonight!"
"Shut it! I owe him this at least..." He grabbed hold of my wrist and dragged me into a steady pace of walking. "God I hope you can get in."
"Why the change of heart Sethy?"
"You can sit with our coats so we don't have to pay for coatcheck."
"Cheap fucking bastard... This is my night!"
I laughed but Seth ignored the boytoy comment.
I'm a coat rack. I'm a coat rack for a bottle of beer and the dull knowledge that I should probably stay awake in case i pop a stich and start bleeding to death. I plugged back beer in the corner and tempered them with water inbetween bottles. So sad... The doctor didn't even give me painkillers. I guess I did look a little cracked out to warrant giving me any opiates.
Then what? Then sitting listen to that terrible music and Seth with his little party posse. I was deemed the leper and there were clear scuffles to avoid sitting beside me when they took a break to sit down.
Come to think of it... Why the hell would Seth have even bothered to take me home... Probably trying to rope me into some threesome. One can only speculate based on prior evidence...
I should...
"Uh?"
Shit! Shit I'm wandering off and Ex is there. Another boy. Another leering little hairless dick who's disturbed to be around me. The Ex must love him. He's obediant and at attention.
"Sorry... sorry... there was a broken glass incident. I got stiches! Do you want to see?"
There was a collective gasp at my table and from the boy toy. The Ex strode up closer to take a look. Always a brave soul!
I let him take my wrist and turn the arm around.
"Quite the little mess there..."
"Can you believe that the fucking doctor didn't even give me pain killers?"
He quickly dropped my arm in disgust. What? Just because he was addicted to pain killers I can't have any? Jerk.

note to self...

summer list


words

fiction

another shift on the ward... hot as steamy piss. no wait, that's just what it smelled like in the back. no matter how often i emptied the trash, wiped things down, wiped the clients down... it always hung in the air. trapped in the humidity that wafted in during the summer.
i would be green in the mornings. literally on the verge of throwing up because i was upright at 6am. the auto pilot would click on and away I'd shuffle to start to wake up the apartment. who am i kidding? most of them were up already. some in bed waiting, others slinking around the back halls which always unsettled me. i had a back pocket full of medium gloves... and flipped on the tub room lights to turn on the beast of tub. the lights always casting an annoying tint to the room, an assault on my eyes.
bath time... always interesting, always different depending on what apartment i was in. i stared off into nothing shampooing hair and becoming more aware at the dampness that got into the gloves... pockets of water that always got in... always created red ruts on my fingers that sometimes split open and I would end up making it worse from wearing gloves more often because you don't need weeping sores working with hepatitis positive patients.
the supervisor i had the first summer worked as a nurse in some tough psych hospitals in England... eventually becoming a nursing teacher and somehow ending up in the Hospital as my bosses boss. She offended some of the sow staff who didn't get her chilly sarcasm or appreciated how skilled she was. everything was a learning moment... but more importantly just some hard skills behind what she was showing me. she talked to me about how i was eerily calm in Big Freakouts and just had made a decent name as a summer student who wasn't too terribly stupid.
her emphasis was on how your actions could make things better or make things worse... jean was keen on getting me aware of what i was actually putting a patient through when i tried to confront someone raging or someone who was having literally a psychotic episode. terrifying for the patient to be sure and made worse by a bad decision. jean was talking to me about how rare it is to use a 4 point restraint in the Hospital now... and only if the patient is ripping the apartment down or practically killing someone. still, it had happened after we had all gotten clobbered by a patient who was so good... except it was like he turned into a different guy for 3 weeks. just like someone had replaced his sweet little personality. regardless it was a hairy situation where we had all been rushed to stop him from tearing into guys who were in that apartment. the force of screaming, the clawing and punching made worse by the fact that he's blind and in tune with anything getting up close to him.
it was difficult to try and help the full timers get him to calm down... he would be still and boom! someone would get hit again... all dramatic recreations aside we finally got the go ahead to put him in a restraint... i wasn't able to do it personally but i had to sit in the room and try to hold down his legs then arms. the final moment before i left i asked him if he was going to be calm... he relaxed his hands and nodded... and as I got up from the bed he dug his nails into my arm and curled them up. Holy mother of god... there's one lesson learned...
so that was over and i was clearly affected by it. it's something where I can't imagine being in that bed, but conflicted because i had a puffy face and a scratched up arm that stung from his nails. i had fallen back when he slapped me and took his hand with me... i was despondant thinking that i had seriously hurt him... or as jean had been trying to teach me, make things worse by my actions.
We sat in the apartment livingroom and chilled out for a moment to try and figure out what caused this outburst. 5 people could hardly get him to stand up and walk without lashing out. what was wrong? why did he do it? did we do the right thing? should be have put the restraints on sooner before he kicked the shit out of everyone? Perry, a roomate of the patient who got thumped as well screamed in his downs syndrome drawl and cut into my thoughts, "he hit mwee!" clearly he was happy at the situation being dealt with.
Jean chatted for a bit and plopped the set papers i had to fill out... any time i got smacked and a supervisor saw it we had to fill something out. the union felt that this would prevent us from filing a claim because the forms would take so stupidly long. or at least that was my conspiracy theory.
i was filling out the forms with an icepack on the side of my face. getting too warm to be of much comfort but had done nothing to sooth the throb of my face. i was getting sweat in my eyes because the a/c was broken and i was depending on a breeze to come through the side patio door. i was awash in thoughts, worry, feeling perplexed as to why this usually calm guy was going ballistic.... and in the background a bigger debate was unfolding.
Perry was defending himself from Mikey's criticisms. "no-ah... you wee-taded" and Mikey with a stutter, "N n n no no NO you're retarded!" Seriously. They were trash talking each other on who was more retarded and it was heating up rapidly until the apartment was filled up with them squalling the r word over and over and over until i stood bolt up right. "you're both retarded stop it!!"
[pause]
"S... s .. s ssee? I told y y y ya you were."
i chucked the forms into the trash and got juice and some cookies for the three of us since it was the universal food and drink of snack time and calm the fuck down time. I appologized but all i got was big goofy smiles caked in oreo cookie brown-black and obliged them in a toast... and then another toast 5 minutes later because, well, Perry forgot that we had already done it. Dah well.

fiction july 3 2006

my hand was going sweaty pressed up against the hood of the car. i was woofing up a searing mouthful of breakfast that had been layered on top of an ocean of beer i had drank the night before.
"That, sir, is why you shouldn't have had the drinks with brunch."
I really wasn't happy with the idea of throwing up a $30 meal in the hotel parking lot. Paul kept watch as best he could while trying to call his evening fling on his cell.
"What the fuck! I told him I was going to call back right at noon today!" He paced off down the garage to leave me trying to plug up my mouth and keep something down. I slid down to lean against the car and avoid the small puddle I had made. my upper lip was thick with sweat and i wondered if i would feel better in the car with the airconditioner on. Paul paced back to the car and steamed past chewing on his thumb nail. Still being psycho and still repeatedly calling the boy he had gone home with. I tried to get his attention for the keys but he was lost in repeated button stabs and didn't pay mind to me meakly waving a hand.
Finally I popped open my bag to fish around for a joint. i found one pathetic half-smoked bit and yanked out a bottle of wine. lit up and pulling on what remained I steadied my will for a drink. this will make the day or break it. Ahhhh... still kinda cold. wine never turns its back on me.
"I can't believe you're drinking!"
"Want some?"
Paul tore the bottle away from me and plugged a mouthful back. "Why isn't he here? We need to get going!"
"What exactly are you waiting for again?"
"Fuck it. Pull yourself together we're leaving." But he walked away again for one more burst of calls. I took the time to finish the wine off and feel steady again. I shut my eyes and felt around in my pants for a piece of paper. Paul had lost a heated draw for the hotel room last night and went back to the no-show boy's apartment. Resigned to the idea of figuring out how I could order in porn without it getting charged to Paul's credit card I had stood outside having one last smoke.
The Ex was a meathead cop in the northside of town. Big slab of dark eyes and a terrifying calm that would intensify the more enraged he got. He and I had a thing that had been dragging like an aching hardon for months since we had ended things officially, but lately i was in the mood to avoid him completely. The last bit of whining I had heard from him was in regards to his partner asking to be reassinged after getting up to his arsehole in stealing possessed goods. Needless to say it would be a little terrifying to have a racket be jeapordized by someone having a spat of guilt.
The partner had been a closet case so all The Ex had on him was a long list of dick that would certainly call into question the reasons why he was married with some kids. I turned to the side of the bar hoping to see some people fucking or better still someone selling weed for a night cap.
"Nate?"
I jumped backwards ready for a fight but only saw The Ex's ex partner. "Hey... Hi." He looked down and stuck a hand in his pocket. Probably the one he stuck his wedding band into.
He looked down and walked over to me. Like I was supposed to do something but he was painfully scared of it.
"Hey, Scott... right?"
"Yeah! So," He exhaled a stream of smoke and sized up to me and looked straight a head at my chest.
"Look...." He moved forward some more. "I dont know what you heard..."
"I don't give a shit. the more i know the worse i feel about it."
"Are you in town for something?"
"Just for my friend to get some tail tonight." I looked over my shoulder at the back of Paul's head and arms wrapping around him from the front. By the time I looked back Scott was even closer and our chests grazed closely. I eyed him up as he kept avoiding look up at me. Classic fuck me fuck me until i forget the bitch wife and kids syndrome. I had indeed won the hotel room for the night.... I pulled at his wrist and avoided Paul catching us wave down a cab.
"The Imperial on Jans St. please."
Scott stayed far to the side of the cab in dark shadows with his hand moving to find the top of mine and gingerly graze my fingers for a second. What a trip... this is grade 8 all over again! hopefully this boy won't break my collarbone when trying to reject me. what can i say? i went to a tough school.
We waked into the hotel lobby which was still save for the night staff behind the desk. i walked straight for the elevators with my little closet case in tow. Finally in the elevator he looked up at me as he pressed up against the mirrored wall. He was trying to think of some bullshit small talk I'm sure, but the doors pulled open again. I didn't say anything and let him trail after me. When we got to the suite he suprised me with arms enveloping me from behind. He came in the door linked to me and i tugged him to my bed to fall backwards on him.
"Hey, yo, lighten up. I'd like to consider this something fun for the both of us instead of me ruining your life."
He shook a head. "I can see why you made him crazy. You don't suffer bullshit very well."
"He was a great guy when he wasn't in a manic episode. So... are you ok with fucking or what?"
Clearly he was shocked. "I, uh..."
"Cause I'm fine with just drinking and hanging out. I dont want you to feel like you have to do this."
He warmed to the response and didn't overtly notice that I was only saying it to increase my chances of getting his pants off. We stripped down to obligatory tshirts and shorts and nestled into each other. for once I wasn't fiddling around trying to fan the passion in order to speed things up. Maybe it was all the beer or maybe it was from the massive quantity of weed Paul and I had smoked that day.
I find I'm a beacon for people to pour their little hearts out to, but we enjoyed the time to kiss and avoid having to let it all fall apart into a 15 minute burst of energy.
We passed out with hands under boxer waistband elastics and the airconditioner fanning us into a deep sleep. Paul came in after 8AM and noisily passed out on the floor after leaving all his luggage on the bed and was too wasted to clear it off. The Ex's ex partner shook me awake after Paul had settled to leave and silently left me his cell and email number.
"Nate! Get up. We're going. I'm not going to sit around in a parking garage all fucking morning."
I tossed my bags into the backseat and jammed the piece of paper into my wallet.

meeting minute doodles

pictures from meeting minutes. holy shit, do i even hear anything in these meetings? no. not at all.




misc pics

fiction/hospital thoughts...

Finally, the morning routine was over.

Shitty asses have been wiped, washed and clothed for the morning. Mouths stuffed full of food in their required consistency pureed for the toothless yobs who long since lost their teeth falling down from seizures or worse still, the ones old enough who got their teeth yanked for being a bit too nippy. Thicker food for those clients up for the challenge but even then, statistically speaking youd have to leap across a table and fish out a hank of egg at least once a month.
Those were the worst. The "smarter ones", but they would sit silently as they choked on something. You would be in a frantic state trying to set down food and accost others who were trying to steal more never really feeling as though you were keeping up with things and in a pissed off mood because no doubt your apartment partner was picking their nose in front of the tv.
"Oh I put my time in little one. Time for the new staff to work a little."
I could have stomached it if they actually did something occasionally.
You would be supervising the whole mess Thinking in the back of your mind, Thank fuck [insert consistent asshole name here] isnt acting up. What a relief.
And thats when panic sets in and you look at the asshole and realize thats not normal or am I just paranoid? Asshole sitting there, calm and looking at you with wide eyes, fork in hand and no trouble on the horizon.
You get back to work and try to read a little in the log book to see what trouble everyone had been in on your days off. Still, that persistent little twinge, somethings not right here kemosabe. Aunt Wendy called it Indian sense, I just looked at it as common sense, Indian shit be damned.
You turn back and theres six clients at the table. Then the other 3 in wheelchairs looking at you with bovine eyes as their feeding tubes filled up their bellies and eventually into a slick shit pile in their diapers that smells no different than when I poured it out of the can.
Petey is still sitting like a good boy, not trying to steal from anyone, not even attempting to make a scene. Something is terribly wrong.
As I walk towards him Petey's head makes a thwack noise as it hits the plate in front of him. Hes been chocking this entire time and hes been too stupid to let you know. His silence was from a piece of stolen toast turned in his throat and more food stuffed in to try and push it down. Never a good solution, but they're all living in a mental institution, so what do I expect?
Petey slid to the floor and I caught his shoulders to ease him down. I looked up to see the other clients reaching for his plate and yanking food off to eat.
"Fucking vultures! Back! GREG! Get the nurse! Petes chocking."
"Oh gosh darn. Not Pete."
He wasnt even running. he didnt even notice my hands in Petes hepatitis infested mouth trying to keep it open and not biting my non-gloved hand. Got it!
Gahk! Gahk! Gahk!
Phew I sat back and let Petey catch his breath. The nurse can take over from here. Dopey faces peered over the table to look at Pete, most of them still chewing the food they took off his plate and a few bold ones leaned over to dunk bits into the ketchup cup given to him specially.
The nurse clopped in at an alarmingly slow pace and didnt even bend down.
"Well for the love of god Can you please get this patient off the floor?"
No one offered to help me, and Petey, full of life and oxygen had reverted back to his normal dickish ways went limp and turned into a 160 pound lump for me to lift and put into a recliner.
"Aw poor Petey." Damn you, you obese cow with a stethascope! You can't even check his blood pressure because your gel nails are too long to actually manipulate medical equipment. "Must have had quite the scare!" Petey nodded and pointed at me.
"I no supposed to have toasts I almost die from toasts!"
Tisk tisk tisk from the nurse and I grabbed the accident report sheets from the desk and went out to the deck before I killed someone.
My heart beat fast and I tried to talk myself down enough to stop shaking. I turned over my hands to look for bite marks and felt a little surge of calm when there was nothing there. I fumbled around in my pockets for a small bottle of sanitizer to slather my hands. In the process I got a dollop of it on the accident report sheets. Fuck!
The faint sound of synchronized foot steps approached. Bliss. After all this I could at least take the time to watch the police cadets do some laps around the grounds the hospital rented out to the school. It was summer and their shirts were gone by the second lap. Bliss.
My hands quivered still as I parked a cigarette in my lips. The accident report could wait as hard bodies galloped past.
"Haaaaaaaaaaaay beeeeeh-beeeeeee!"
Anthony ran with them every day out of spite. He could out-run any of them, but mostly that was because hes too stupid to know what exhaustion is. I waved to him and yelled back, "Hi behhbee!"
"Woo wooo!! Cahm on behbees! Wun wun wun!"
The cadets looked stunned at Anthonys surge of energy and sprinting past the group. I pulled my sunglasses down over my eyes and gawked at sweaty men. Shit, I deserve something nice after all that bullshit. At least the mornings over.

mix-o down with succubis mix and another one

rich - yeah yeah yeahs
forgot myself again - doves
train in vain - the clash
ape dos mil - glassjaw
selfless, cold & composed - ben folds five
spies - coldplay
hey joe - jimi hendrix
i wouldn't believe your radio - stereophonics
dreaming of you - the coral
day we caught the train - ocean colour scene
buttons & zips - elbow
keep close - south
thirteen shells from a thirty ought six - tom waits
down in the park - foo fighters
red right hand - nick cave
loved - cranes
possibly maybe - bjork

"mark on the bus" - beastie boys
"chocolate lovely" - amon tobin
"jerk it out" - the caesars
"date with the night" - yeah yeah yeahs
"sissyneck" - beck
"autobiography" - sloan
"black history month" - death from above 1979
"styles"- the herbaliser
"only you" - portishead
"scapegoat" - microbunny
"when the sun took the day off and the moon stood still" freestyle fellowship
"trigger hippie" - morcheeba
"bloodstain" - unkle
"i am trying to break your heart" - wilco
"astral" - calla
"animals + insects" - the stills
"he thought of cars" - blur
"namaste" beastie boys

heuther hotel - apartment rooms - may 2006

the doorway to the shared kitchen that connects to the door where the strippers come in and out.

fiction may 2006

this is fantastic. brilliant. exactly what i needed.
i melted under hands massaging my scalp. the gentle scratchy sound of hair being twisted and bent. The white noise of the salon fading into a hum and me buzzed out of my mind getting a head rub before a haircut.
eyes still shut i heard paws skitter across the hardwood floor... probably the dogs chasing a broom around.
and it was over. i shot a look at my watch on the sly and noted that it pays to tip your hairdresser well to get additional perks like a 10 minute scalp manipulation when they normally just flit around your hair for a minute and stick you under the hose for a shampoo. i felt my ankles pop and snap as i stretched them and stiffled a yawn.
"Oh damn you don't do that."
Xuan looked tired and turned his face to yawn.
"Sorry sorry, long day. It's not my fault you kill me with the head rub."
"Yeah I wish I got one sometimes."
"Tell you what, I'll skip tipping you if you want me to give you one after."
He thought about it as he checked the length at the back of my head. "No, I want the money more than a massage. You're nice to offer though."
"I try."
"Come on to the back for a wash. What's new with you?"
I never know what to talk about with the hairdresser. I'm horrified listening to people in salons going on and on about personal crap... shit i wouldn't bring up with a priest. Or even more terrifying getting shacked up beside someone who wants to run down the best Oprah and Dr. Phil episodes since they were last in for a trim. Me, i never thought that i did anything interesting enough to justify inflicting it on a hairdresser.
"Oh... Nothing much."
"It's always nothing much with you! Paul and Sandro say they spotted you at Dulcies on Saturday with a mob of boys up to no good. you have to do something with your time!"
Agh! I thought I had noticed them in a drunken haze. I had been out with the old crew from school and was a mess. I can't believe they saw me... wait... I can't believe they talked about it.
Xuan had me back in the chair and got the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. I'm not sure if it was because I was red or if I was completely silent. I don't know what the hell happens to me sometimes. under normal circumstances you can't get me to shut up, but i shit it with some people and turn into a shy fool.
Never being able to hear well in the best circumstances I was lost under the water. my eyes opened a little only to see Xuan's utility belt of sorts. Scissors, comb and other miscellanious sharp things. He attempted to say something else and I pointed at my ear. His face looming over me looked embarassed and turned off the water to later up my hair.
"Shit I'm sorry I forget you can't hear me that well."
"No worries... When you're done tell me about your weekend."
The foamy lather smelled like mint and beyond my vision dogs ran around again. I snapped my fingers and found a winkled boxer snout in my hand.
"Zooey, I'll kill you if you get into Nate's bag again."
"Aw baby, it's not your fault you're a troubled child."
Xuan smiled at me. "You're so lovey with them. You treat them like they're little kids."
"My kind of kids. Obese, cute and stupid... Look at him. He's not going to university and wasting your money or coming home gay and disappointing the family at Thanksgiving after grandma died."
Xuan fortunately got my sarcasm and laughed. "Shut up for a minute and let me rinse you off."
The water snapped off finally and I sat up to wipe a slobbery hand on my jeans.
"Your eyeliner is amazing. What do you have on?"
"Oh, I don't... wait... it's still on from last night I guess."
A towel wrapped around my head and hands jostled around to dry me off.
"See? See! You do more than you let on. You're still in yesterdays makeup!"
"It's MAC's Burried Treasure. No man looks bad in it and as you can see, it's waterproof."
"Well it looks really nice. Makes the blue pop you know?"
"Thanks Xu... HEY! GET OUT OF MY BAG!"
"Zooey! You asshole! Paul get your dog out of my station please."
From the front counter, Paul wheeled out. "What are you whining about now?"
"You asshole dog is sniffing a clients bag."
"Well just tell him to get down!"
"NO! A bag! Book bag... gah forget it."
Paul winked at me as Xuan pushed me back to his work station and sent the dog running. No harm done, just some puppy nose snot that didn't phase me.
I hopped into the chair and positioned myself as it was raised from foot pumps. "Now, finally, how was your weekend?"
"Wait, I said I'd ask you first. you must get sick of listening to people go on and on about their day."
"Yeah but I want to hear about yours first..." He pulled strips of hair down to test their length and shot me a small look before turning away.
"Well it was Orphan Easter this year...A bunch of friends all found out that our immediate family wasn't going to be around for Easter so we all got together and made dinner."
"That's awful that you couldn't spend time with family though."
"Are you kidding? Instead of sitting at a table with family members who barely tolerate me I got to spend a night with friends drinking and listening to music. We all made something and it ended up being this whack-job potluck with liquor. Cigars after dinner and just talking talking talking. I mean, i love the family and all, but it was great just to have a "holiday" meal that didn't involve my family asking if the whole gay thing is over."
"That... that sounds really nice actually." His face cast a sad look and he went into cutting my hair.
"Dare I ask about yours?"
"It was... well it was nice to see family..."
"But...?"
"But... it was terrible. Church and trying to make my way through a room of people who either won't talk to me, kinda tolerate me or the few younger cousins who will talk to me. My one stupid cousin tried to make this plot to get my mom and I in the same room... ugh!"
"Oh so real fun stuff then?"
"I wish I had been at your dinner instead truth be told."
Xuan, from what I had picked up over the year of going to see him, had been married at some retardedly young age. He's always said 20, but if he was correct on the year, it was more like 17. There was a kid involved, hence the urgency for a wedding. He described it as being in a dream. Every auntie and female relative removed him from the decsion making process. He said it was daze of being lead up to one day when he woke up, was dressed in a suit and got married. The details from that point on became sketchy other than being divorced, very gay and 3/4 disowned. Pictures of his son were stuck along the lip his mirror and 3 cats who were responsible for the steady smattering of hair on everything he owned.
Paul wandered through to talk to clients and banter with the staff. He put a chin on Xuan's shoulder.
"Did you show Nate what your dads bought you for Easter?"
He got giddy and turned out a thin hand to the mirror for me to look at the reflection. A thick silver band on his middle finger.
"Do you think it's advisable to give him a reason to show off his middle finger?"
"Why do you think me and Sandro bought them?" He squeezed Xuan's shoulders and walked to the next station. It seemed to bolster his spirits and he looked down at the ring before going back to the cut.
"Any special occasion for the cut?"
"Oh well, not as such, but..."
"See, you're so secretive! I would love to sit you down and pick your brains sometime...."
Shit. Shit? Shit... Shit I never knew when people were hitting on me. You might as well just grab my cock and let me know because I was oblivious. Or was this just small talk? Small talk. Yes. I had let too much time pass, I should have finished my original sentance...
"You, ah... you don't mind if I ask that?"
"No there's nothing wrong with that, I..."
"Good... I don't want to sound like a creep or something."
"Aw, Xuan, you don't sound like a creep. You're always so down on how people percieve you." I couldn't talk before and now I can't shut up and stop digging a hole.
"I've just..." He finished up the cut and started the hairdryer. I couldn't hear what he said and pointed at my ear again. He mouthed sorry and kept drying. He looked pained and serious.
Shit! you tit, you spent more time trying to make him feel better instead of being honest with him. Danger! Danger! I hoped the dryer would stay on longer... forever. Let the salon catch on fire and end this conversation neatly!
Click.
We had spent a year talking for an hour a month. An hour where I'm "on" and not how I am the majority of the time: A boring old crank. And I didn't like where this vibe was going....
He started styling my hair. Still not making eyecontact and leaving me to look at him in the mirror.
"I just wanted to know if we could go out... sometime... if, you'd like."
"Ah, Xuan, I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry I was just about to say and then you got all sad and I wanted to address that first before I told you I had a boyfriend and it's nothing personal and i think it's really sweet that you would even be interested in me because i'm like,"
Clunk! He jammed a foot in the back of the chair raise bar and I came down to the floor level with a jolt.
"No. No it was too personal to be asking a client I'm really sorry."
Damn it. Way to go. Wait, it's not my fault I have a boyfriend. Tough luck for you baby, I'm taken. Right. I'm so full of guilt that I will always assume I'm the asshole and take the blame.
We finished up in silence and I thanked him. He said bye and tried to turn away but I caught his shoulder. "Hey, stop being so hard on yourself. I sound like a fool when I'm trying to appologize. I'll book for another appointment?"
"Oh god! Of course, don't not come in... I mean, sorry. You make me feel so silly talking sometimes with my crappy grammar."
Good. You reject him and also make him feel like a retard. You're the feel-good gay man of the fucking year.
He followed me out to the front counter where Paul was filling in an appointment in a book. He shot us a look and must have figured out it didn't go well. My boyfriend James stood up when I came in, still in hospital scrubs. He normally would have been sitting in the car honking the horn, but had come in to buy some of the foot cream stuff for runners they sold. i, of course, had told him to come in and get it and had forgotten about it up until now.
James was incredibly tall and was shocking to see coming at you if you weren't expecting a lumberjack in ER scrubs. Xuan looked horrified as James came up to us and only addressed me. "Aw hon you look great. Let's get home and get changed."
Xuan put on a brave face. "You two heading out tonight?"
"Yep, I've been working night shifts like crazy and I miss Nate. I got us tickets to the orchestra tonight. Russian composers - something we can agree on classically at least."
"That sounds... so nice. I wouldn't know anyting about it though."
James ignored him and looked down at his watch. "Doll, get a wiggle on. Reservations are in 50 minutes at Zachary's."
A collective woo went out in the waiting room. I turned to thank Xuan but he had turned back to walk to his station. I watched another stylist look at his face as he walked past and could gather that he didn't look good. A hand went up to his face. Gah!
"Babe! Back to reality! Let's gooooo."
"All right all right."
"Book me in for next month please Paulie. Um..." I lowered my voice. "tell Xuan I'm sorry. Of all the nights.. the one night when James comes in. I didn't like, lead him..."
"Noooo noo honey... he just you know, thought you were..." He looked over my shoulder. James was probably distracted by his blackberry.
"He thinks you're really smart and just has been dying to get to know you. Not your fault ya know?"
A weak smile tried to wrap things up and I left a huge tip. James ran a hand through my hair on the way out the door. "Looks fab. You're going to look good tonight."
A good looking asshole....