mix-o

well i had made this mix cd that k ended up with in her car. not in a million years did i ever think that it would be something that she'd actively listen to but in the end it was one of her favourite long-distance drive cds. so yeah. i swear that i went to take it back from her to get a track listing but she wouldn't give it back... ergo it was her who lost it... then she says that i did infact take the mix and i was the one who stone cold lost it. normally i take the blame in these situations... but i'm a little more than sure that she kept it. WHATEVER. so we took off for another trailer trash weekend and she was pouting that i had lost the fucking thing. i rushed to try and recreate it, deliberately adding stuff that i wanted to hear and a few that she had heard @ Phils [the bar not the dude].
naturally, as i'm bitching to the other roomate about this [while she's graciously giving me a blank cd because i'm out] she pauses and gets up....over to her stack of j. mix cds and says, "oh is it this one?"
turns out that i was a dumbass and named her version differently so she didn't know what we were talking about when k and i were squabbling about it the many, many, many times leading up to the weekend.
"oh. yes. it's that one..." d'oh.
I was spot on with some stuff and then stone cold forgot about some other ones. i'm writing these down for posterity and also because i have to give the original back to s as there's an i.o.u. on the fridge demanding it back.
without further ado:

"the mildly electoclash oriented mix" / "i couldn't think of a witty name...whatever mix"

1. take me out - franz ferdinand ok!! this was before the song got played to death and it was on an import cd s. brought home!!
2. house of jealous lovers - the rapture i defy your ass not to move when this comes on. yes he sounds like a strangled cat, but, um, it works
3. i.o.u. - metric deeeeeeeeelightful lyrics
4. deceptacon - le tigre dj kicks mix. again, one that people sometimes hate the vocals, but if you're not down with le tigre or dj kicks fuck you. i'm sorry, it's just the way it is
5. i wanna mmm - the lawyer goofy and gay. still a fun track
6. glitz rock - felix da house cat mix from the kittenz & thee glitz album
7. breakaway - basement jaxx - a relatively unknown track from Rooty. GOD DAMN it rules. someone should use it in a movie trailer or a move in general.
8. life on mtv - miss kitten & the hacker i used to sit and play mario kart on N64 and listen to this album really high before my night shifts. i still see yoshi dumping shells in my mind when i hear it
9. fuck the pain away - peaches mmmmm hmmm. love it.
10. me & madonna - black strobe from a Netwerk compilation cd of electroclash music. some of the tracks suck but this is super-sexy and throbbing
11. spin spin sugar - sneaker pimps moby mix. i know. too over done and so damn old. i got into electronic music the moment i heard this song on a late night club broadcast. when it hits that awesome peak i knew that i wanted to run away from home, take drugs and fuck strippers. ok, that's just a fantasy. i wouldn't fuck strippers. they're too high-maintenance
12. dead man walking - david bowie from the Earthling album. when i was in highschool i listened to this song 5 times a day for like, months and months. i dunno... just another electronic song i got obsessed over.
13. round and round - violetta & midnight mike. if you like electroclash, email me and I'll send you this song. it's sexy, slutty and tantilizing. vurrrrrrrrrry good
14. megacolon - fisherspooner agh! if you got the first release of this album you don't have this song. SO good. it's actually about trashy socialites & models sitting on the toilet after taking laxitives... "taggin' on the wall how i got in this jam... msg, money, margaritas and my man." ahh... too good.

the recreation mix that i did at the last minute

1. julie & candy - boards of canada an instrumental piece... i love it. i sit and work with it on loop a lot recently.
2. see thru you - flunk good one to be making out to
3. scapegoat - microbunny canadian group that has started to fill the massive void in my trip hop soul since portishead disbanded
4. the reason - ladytron if you will listen to metric you should like this band. in theory. it's just a good tune.. i normally use it as a closing song on a cd, but it flowed well with the next track
5. round and round - violetta & midnight mike
6. what does it feel like? - felix da housecat i think that if i was to recomend a song for a strip club it would be this one. it would be a good set if there was 2 chicks. WHAT? they're making a living at being hot. it's not like i'd get a lappie or something
7. how we do - mount sims one from that Netwerk "electrokills" cd. cute little track "... and the way you comb your hair like it's 1982..."
8. over - portishead portishead. enough said. Hail! Hail! Hail to thee!
9. pure & easy - the dining rooms um, i have no idea where i got this. it was on my harddrive and i listened to it by chance. goooood "instrumental" track
10. madame hollywood - felix da housecat shit, you'd think that i liked his mixes or something. anyone who likes this genre of music should own his "excursions" cd. solid.
11. me & madonna - black strobe see above
12. lusty - lamb mmmhmmm, good beat. perhaps better suited to be an opening track to a mix cd. i put it here to show how the mood of the cd elevates a little, but this ended up being a little more on the trip-hop down tempo kind of mix
13. too young - phoenix ha ha... i always think about people rolling around on the old-style roller skates to this song. it just makes me think of the 80's and roller skating. whatever.
14. deceptacon - le tigre dj kicks mix naturally k tells me that now she prefers the original version of this song over the remix. i like them both equally but for different reasons...
15. fuck the pain away - peaches k was adamant that this song was on it. for someone soooooooo straightlaced she sure likes a song that includes "suckin' on my titties" a heck of a whole lot
16.danger (high voltage) - electric six ok yeah i know it's kinda cheese, but i think the point is that it's making fun of the cheese dance stuff. anything that weaves "danger in the taco bell danger in the gates of hell" has to be pretty cool
17. midnight show - the killers well i don't fucking care if you don't like them. i love the guys voice and this is a searing track. if i could look like a boy i want to look like Brandon Flowers. really badly. eyeliner and all. [whistful sigh]
18. megacolon - fischerspooner seriously!! email me and I'll send it to you... how have you lived without this?

new mix-o cd - oct 15 2006

broken head I - south
young folks - peter bjorn and john feat victoria bergsman
que onda guero - beck
the wake/hooray hooray - tiger lou
lost art of keeping a secret - queens of the stone age
leaders of the free world - elbow
a time to be so small - interpol
evil - ladytron
40' - franz ferdinand
drown - smashing pumpkins
i turn my camera on - spoon
inside and out - fiest
the power of love - feeder
sore - wintersleep
ancient curse - peter bjorn and john
all in for nothing - south

the lawn gnome liberation front lives on....

fiction - bunch of snippets cut & pasted together into one post instead of many - you're not ACTUALLY going to read this right?

The scale dipped down and clanked on the table.
"Oy oy easy there!"
"Never mind. you had all day to do this and what? I come home from work and it's all out still like you didn't have time to get around to it."
I don't have time for this. I can't find my jacket. Let him muck about weighing it all out. Find your coat Nate, and go from there.
The dogs listlessly watched us on their sides. They never seemed too concerned when we were yelling at each other. hitting was a whole other set of stress.
Franco was better at weighing things out anyways. He'd have gone behind my bags and re-weighed everything. Coat. Where's my coat?
"Maybe if you weren't zipping around here all coked up you wouldn't be in a snit."
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED...Oh. Sorry. Yeah I guess I am a little tweaked." At least I was capable of talking myself down whereas Franco would have been clinging to the ceiling by now.
I watched him out of the corner of my eye as I zig-zagged throught the apartment in a nonsensical path trying to figure out what I had done with my jacket. Taking a step back I picked at the buttons on my shirt. Purple. Purple shirt. Is this too much? am I going to look like a tubby violet wandering around Bob's place? it was hard for me to maintain focus... my brain was blipping every few seconds with a thought while my eyes stared at all the weed on the table. A couple more packages and then we can toss it all into the lockers and forget about it for another night.
finally i spied my jacket underneath my wintercoat draped over a chair. right where i had tucked it away like a paranoid squirrel this afternoon.
"Did you put aside a full order for Meat?"
I nibbled on my nail. Oh fuck. I knew I had put some extra aside... Think stupid. Think think think think thiiiiiiii "IT'S UNDER THE TABLE!!"
"OK! Lord calm down! Here I found it. Fucking coke brain idiot."
"Sorry... it just comes out loud..."
"Ok, a full order for Meat and the rest are dealer specials. the ones with the black tape are rip offs, the silver ones are fair and this one," He jammed a creepy cat sticker on the front. "This one's for Meat. Don't mix them up."
"Yeah I think I got it. I mean, I came up with that coding so I might forget..."
"Yeah good with colour coding dope bags but you can't divide them out in the first place!"
I seriously thought about whipping a book at his head or breaking his stupid pointy face with it... Woah step back. I put my hands up in surrender and gathered up my wallet on top of the shelf and whatever loose change was piled beside it. Franco wasn't giving up.
"You know Nate, you'd think you'd be a little more sensitive to me about the coke. You KNOW I don't do it anymore..."
Here we go...
"Don't you KNOW how rude it is to be like this in front of me?"
It was so hard for me to deal with him being this overtly agressive. This wasn't about drugs or me being too sketchy to weigh in things... It was about me spending all day with Dallas.. And having the audacity to be fucking someone who wasn't Franco... The sick feeling clenched my stomach. The way I would feel as though he was going to back me into a corner and be on top of me... but there was no excuse of being drunk handy... just rage and me trying to ignore his pent up agression.
I wiped imaginary change off the book shelf again and turned my back on him. A cup of tea I had forgotten about was still tepid enough to go through the motions of drinking and it was away from Franco's eyes and the metallic clanking of the scale being put away.
Still feeling high and out of my mind I didn't know if I could be in the same room as someone who frightened me as well as keep me tied to him emotionally. How silly... I towered over him but would wilt when he laid into me for some goof or convienent outlet to yell at me when I wouldn't return his affections.
The cup of tea separated into ripples of motion as my finger touched the surface. Any distraction. Any excuse to disengage from a confrontation. Sucking the tea off my finger I walked out of the kitchen to grab my coat. I could use a wisk of eyeliner before we left anyways.
Franco was quiet and sat up rigidly on his knees... looking forward... towards the dogs who had moved off of the couch. Both were on their feet and standing stock still. Square and stiff and staring. I froze and watched the hair on their haunches tilt up...Nem sucked in air through his snout and filled his barrel chest... Bez's ears pulled back and all of his body flared out.
In the hallway we could hear footsteps padding around our doorway and a light clinking of metal. Someone was trying to stick a key in the lock... and it wasn't some confused senior in the building. Hush hush voices.
"Franco, put it all into the locker. Now."
We gathered everything up and set it down in the locker... A black steel containder laid on the floor for us to lock up sensitive materials. Thick metal, tumbler lock and a fake front to pull down like a shutter. No one knew that's what it was, or at least we both trusted each other never to tell.
The dogs were listening still and we stood behind them when everything was locked up.
"Do you think they hear us?"
"I can still hear them trying different keys. Fuck, I think they're trying to pick the lock."
"This is insanity... What should we do?"
No guns in the apartment. We were both on parole and funny enough the parole officers had been more adamant that we were gun free. Which seemed like an easy enough thing except we were feeling pretty exposed right now.
I walked softly over to the door and ducked under the black cloth I kept nailed over the peep hole so no one could see movement go by it.
Nem and Bez began a low growl that made my hands shake. this was fucked and we all knew it wasn't going to be a misunderstanding.
Peeking through I ducked down quickly and gave a startled glance at Franco.
"Jesus! what?!"
"Call 911, those two broke motherfuckers are trying to rob us."
"No. No way in hell would they have the balls to just break in here."
"Well they're fucking out there!" I squeaked it out in terse whispers. "Currently they're trying to pick the lock. It's like they think we're not here..."
Franco was reaching for the phone. "Pass it to me I'm going to call..."
I backed up into the kitchen and cupped a hand around the bottom of the reciever.
"Hello? 911? I'm in the Stienbeck Alley appartments in 403... Someone is trying to break in... Please help me!"
Franco watched my mouth curl into a terrible smirk. "Yes please please hurry... I have to get off the phone before they hear me!"
"Someone else already called!"
Ah neighbourhood watch. "Let's fucking do this. I'm up for it right now...Break into my apartment?"
Franco wrapped his hands around the dogs leather collars and jerked them backwards. He squatted down with them on each side of his face. "Who's there? Who's there? Get 'em... Get 'em..." He chanted at them and they were ready to flip. I stood back and called Franco over to me... One more click and a thunk and we watched the deadbolt turn from the other side of the door... my god i'm going to make these two pay.

the carpet in the room was trampled down to a dirty grey. i can only imagine what it would have looked like clean and sans cigarette butts. i roll over stiffly and moan. so this is what it's like to sleep on the floor in a drug dealers house. not that i was out slumming for an experience, it just happened to be where i ended up passing out.
how do people live in a house and grind out their cigarettes on the floor when i can count one two three fucking ash buckets?
the room was awash in bits of paper, dead lighters and other miscellaneous ends of things that i couldn't make out in the far corners. here i was half-drunk and high still appalled at the ammount of garbage on the floor. Especially when i'm the one who decided to take a nap after i crashed from the festivities. my face was tender... what does it look like now?
my mouth made a tacky nyup nyup nyup noise as I tried to infuse some moisture in there. i dragged myself up to a shaky lean on my elbow and pressed the light on my watch.
7:18am.
oh, you have to be kidding me. i couldn't even pass out until at least 9am when my boyfriend would be off work and i could call for a ride. mmm... temple massage.... blood was thumping into my face and i laid back down. instead i turned my attention to Franc passed out. lucky sod. i rolled over and lightly leaned in to check out his lip which puffed out dangerously. the dim summer morning light came in a shade of grey at first but soon enough we'd be awash in warm sunlight and feeling like some quasi ghouls retreating away ino close curtained rooms.
Franc had simply passed out where he had flopped down what would have been what? yeesh, only 4 hours ago. i worried that sleeping on this dirty-ass floor was going to get his stiches infected. maybe i should have been more worried about having to go home with a busted nose and all my knuckles split in rough tears.
the perkaset i had wheedled out of the doctor would wear off soon. good thing i had enough foresight to get more before I left.
hospital had been an experience to say the least. i never end up there for something like the flu or anything that doesn't involve me talking to a cop before or after i go in.
the doctor pulled back the curtain embarking on the usual no eye-contact "i'm a doctor and i'm a douche and i fucking hate working emerg shifts because all you punks come in at ungodly hours..." speech about what had happened but was stunned when he looked at me. not that i was in bad shape at that point, it's just that i had met him before in less than savoury circumstances. my boyfriend and i had picked him up at a bar to have a threesome and were less than impressed when he couldn't get it up from being too drunk. no one needs to go through the process of bringing someone back home for that to contend with performance anxiety. we kicked him out and he never acknowledged us again when we saw him out.
the horror was not only rooted in the fact that i was well aware of his noodledick tendancies but that i was looking at him and then directly down at the wedding band on his finger.
"tut tut tut."
"Ah..."
Smirk. That's nasty, boy... not only do I see you at the gay bar all the time, but you can't even bring the wife with you? what a shame.
"W...what seems to be the problem?"
"well, i got dragged in with the cops. just a little disagreement you see? my friends that came in with me are awful sorry for all the problems. I'm actually in good shape considering... black eye, nose is a little more crooked and these." I lifted up two hands that were sticky with now brownish red stains. the cuts were glistening still where the knuckle bends and i knew they couldn't stich them up.
oddly he seemed to rush up to me to grasp my hands and look closely at the cuts. i bent my fingers down to show how the skin split while being curled into hard fists. the rush from the brawl started to wear off and I panicked that i'd have to start feeling pain. i squeezed his hands in mine for effect.
"Yeah, they're cut up but i'm sure I'll be fine."
he looked at me with a half open mouth and i started to think that maybe i wouldn't have to pander around too much for meds.
"Would you mind just helping me clean myself up a little and wash out the cuts..." I looked over to see his security pass and name tag above it. "Dennis is it?" We hadn't exchanged names pre the disasterous threesome and it unnerved him to hear me say it outloud. or was it because my hands had that dusty grit all over them that can only come from dried blood? or was it from me gripping him and that keen sensation of a ring pressing against the pinky and middle finger?
The name game had upset him and he tried to pull out of my grasp.I yanked him into me. Calmly, I asked for some perkasets and to get going with this because i had a party to go to. i let go and shoved his hands back.
he looked devastated but i wiggled some fingers dismissivly for him to go bring back some treats. I leaned back and could hear some screaming off in the distance. thankfully i wasn't anywhere near Nem or Tim to listen to their shrieks. I hope Franco's ok. "Franc? FRANCO?" I called over the curtains hoping he'd hear me.
"Hoy! Wherff's the doctor?"
"Chill baby, he'll fix me up and be right in to see you."
"Wuuaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"
"Holwy shif..."
"Franco! Can you hear that? That's remorse!"
I could hear Franco chuckle and hiss back some spit. it's not easy to laugh with a floppy split bottom lip you know.
Sitting back in the bed I rather enjoyed hearing the crying down the hall and knowing that i, Nathan Stinson, wasn't going to get arrested for this on. Oh this is a nice feeling. Better yet knowing i could get some serious blackmail on the go with Dr. Dennis. Speaking of which... he was back...

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franco in the hospital perspective:

i groaned a little. the needle was always the worst part of getting stitches. the sensation made my teeth chatter and i shut my eyes. that tingling spreading across the skin. it felt like i was being pumped with litres of it and felt my face droop a little.
"augh! too muffch..."
the snotty little doctor wasn't listening and intently studying any place but my eyes.
"yeeoo, dudff, enough of the freezing."
oh good. not only are you a prick but your deaf.
i tried to lay out some cantonese and still no response other that patting down the skin on my forehead to test for any flinching. i gave up and sat upright on the gurney pouting. my mouth was dripping blood again from trying to talk with broken teeth. I wanted to spit it up as it welled in a metallic wave behind my teeth. I couldn't stand the thought of swallowing it and my stomach lurched just thinking about it. i was going to lean a head over the side of the bed, but the doctor was already gearing up with the needle. too late now... hey, if he fucks this up you can always drop a gob of blood on his shoes.
i smirked and the doctor shot me a frown. trying to win him over with personality i smiled a cracked-tooth grin to get a laugh. Nothing. I gave up and finally leaned in to get sewn up. it doesn't hurt at this point. the tugging of the skin is horrifying but you can't tangibly say it hurts. how many stitches? this is embarassing...
down the hall someone screamed out my name and the doctor paused, his cool attitude ruffled by the screaming. Dilligently focusing on keeping my mouth shut i sweated hard. there was almost too much in my mouth to keep in.
fuck you doctor. i should be laying down for this. prick. prick. prick. pri.... oh shut up.
the screaming was louder but my name was replaced with agonizing ahhhhhhhhs. breath ripped out in pain until they shoved something in his blood to shut him up.
rapidly getting hotter... all i could do was look up awkwardly and see gloved hands tugging and threading. no, i'm pretty sure i should be laying down right now. how old is this doctor? or do they get nurses to do this shit now? no a nurse wouldn't have me bending over like an asshole. i try to look at the doctor beyond the hands and silver glints above my eyebrow and i start to loose focus.
my mouth is full now and a small spurt comes down my lip and tips over my chin.
pulling a suture shut the doctor mashes the needle sideways to my head with whatever pliers he's using. he grabs for a steel basin and casually puts it under my mouth.
gluck....
i heave a little and too much comes out. i look into it.
"are you fushking new or something? i shoulf be laying down."
the doctor was horrified at the basin full of black red blood and my crass response.
"are you ok? you..." he looked at the basin.
awesome. you never want to be sitting in the hospital and see the doctor become both alarmed and baffled.
a hiss and the curtains were pulled back a little.
"this one looks better than the other one at... least... hey, did he just throw that up?"
The doctor was staring at the basin still.
"oyyf! oyyf! tell him i threw that up you..."
"Calm down! Lean back or I'm getting security to chain you up!"
oh okay, finally we get a professional around here.
"What the hell is he doing sitting up leaning over?! He's going to faint any minute now..."
i shook my head, you see?
"I..." He had no text book response, only staring into the red mess and looking like he was going to pop from the insanity.
the curtains pulled back violently with a zinging hiss.
"You fucker! I'm going to see the both of you assholes get arrested for this!"
Leaning forward i let a sloppy spray of blood come off my mouth as I lisped for effect. "Comethh gethh me copperrrth..."
"Agh! Stay back!"
the two officers lept backwards but the second doctor stood his ground and rushed forward.
Thwack!
he turned his metal clipboard on it's side and batted me in the chest with it.
"Sit back NOW. Don't fuck with me tonight."
I grimaced and sat as far back as I could in the pillows.
"Stitch him up pronto. You need to find out if he's bleeding somewhere else than his mouth. Do it now. We don't want anything to happen to him."
"Oh gowdth forbid."
The cops knew enough to get out of the doctors way as he stomped past them. They put on their courage and shook squareheads at me disapprovingly.
"Finish this cocksucker up. we have some questions to ask."
"YOUTH GO ASK THATH FLATH FACE FUCKER DOWN THETH HALL WHATH..."
"Not another word!"
I was fuming, but i needed the endorphin rush. i laid back against the pillows and felt the first doctor come into view. he was shaking and looking at me wide eyed. I was unrepentant. These interns have to learn something about reality before they retreat into treating hemroids and doling out placebos in family practices.
Smug, I smiled again. I looked up at the doctor picking up a new needle and trying not to look at my face again. feeling mean I grabbed his arm and gave it a squeeze in my bloody hand. before i could lay some mindgame on him i felt all the warmth fall out of me. like a plug being yanked up I felt my lips burn cold and everything fell forward. all i could see was the doctor stare with his mouth open as I fainted... where am I going to wake up now?

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side bar story that i was attempting to work on from the dr's perspective. didn't really go anywhere exciting but i'll paste it in here anyways

these graveyard shifts at the hospital are terrible. i can't stand being in here after dark. the crowd shuffling in gets strange as the moon gets full. the crackheads and homeless get in my face with brown teeth and stinking smell. how can anyone deal with this every night? february. 7 months and i can get out of this, this... this HELL hole. truly this is hell. this is where i belong until i can stop the insanity. immediately i'm feeling the knot in my stomach tighten. maybe i ended up here because i'm being punished?
i spend an entire shift lancing infected lacerations and stitching up cuts from drunks falling down... looking at sick faces high on crystal meth smacking at soft grey teeth. i'm repulsed looking at them and feeling their tight skin. trying to tell me something to get me to give them painkillers. they disgust me. they defecate themselves in rages or while they're passed out in the waiting room. slumped over after being up for days on end. why should they even make me treat them? it's a waste of medicine. a waste of resources. why put money into these people. I glare at them as they shuffle off to try and get medicine from other places. Then i get that look from him. that nurse. that thing behind the station always looking at me and shaking his head. i could, i could... slap him. it gives me a rush to see it in my mind. running up to him and slapping him over and over again until he falls to the floor in fear. i wanted to stop feeling helpless by just one look. to be so controlled and guiltstricken over it? why should i feel terrible for thinking less of some people in here? i'm supposed to help but sometimes it just feels like water into an ocean. no difference is made, nothing is noticed. soon i could get money rounded up to go back to school when Beverly is done law school. I can go back and find something to excuse me from this place. away from the waste of life... away from the looks.
i see that nurse at the bar. when i'm weak and I go. i see him looking at me there and he has more power than he realizes. i move without acknowledging him. he can't stop me when i'm drawn to that sinful place. he's so obvious. no respect for his manners and actions. what would his family think to see him flit around like that? horrifying to think about him living a lifestyle in the open. so much shame. how can he live like that?
when i first started doing internship here i felt envious. something i realized was almost as terrible as knowing what he did when he wasn't at work. i actually was jealous of someone living such a morally bankrupt existence. no care or concern of what will happen after this life. it's like he can't even imagine how wicked life he is immersed in is. those stories. those stories he tells the women nurses. i feel sick when he starts up about his new "friend". i heard him say he'd never date a Korean man again when i was grabbing a phone call. i got up and left but not before i knocked a stack of clipboards over with a metal crash. flustered i shook my head like i was disappointed that he would be so rude. was he meaning me? did he mean that i wasn't attractive? i stopped and felt worse for dwelling on such a vain point. sin. pure and simple.
i tried to distance myself from the impulses i fell through on when i was weak. i wouldn't dwell any more. i would move forward and focus on being pure and a good husband. i could do it. i could resist temptation and i must to be a good man.
there would be no more trips to sodom. there would be no more drunken nights of lies... "gone on a training course". how terrible to lie to her like that! the drinking until i could walk over to someone or allow myself to be pulled into a grasp and fall apart. trying to be taken away by someone for a few hours. it felt so good, but then again, isn't that what the crux of sin is? the pleasure from something so intensely vile? No more. no more trips to apartments that i would wake up in terrified and frantic. escaping as fast as i could before I double over in pain until got sick or had a panic attack. if i stopped doing this things would get better. i could get better. i could work towards pennance. to be there for Beverly and not find excuses to avoid having a baby. escape this place and the thoughts. the time inbetween seeing emergency cases in the early morning. waiting for the bars to let out and scoop up the remains.
"Doctor Dennis... I mean," that horrible effeminate voice he did to anger me. "Doctor Cheng... your services are needed. there's four gentlemen who were in a fight..."
terse. "thank you Leon."
a flourish and bow. ugh. have some respect for yourself!
"room 3 needs stitches... I have a table set up."
"thank you."
I looked down at my clipboard until he was walking away. i fretted that Dr. Lee would be in to do rounds while i was in there and critique all my work... i began to prepare myself to patch up another loser of society when Leon called over his shoulder, "He's cute. Totally your type. You know, tall, meaty and well-spoken." I spun around to reprimand him but he was gone around the corner to laugh with the other fat hens at the nurses station.
Do I need this? I'm trying to help here. I don't want to deal with this. Time to fix someone up. Deep breath. Pull back the curtain...

--------------------------------

"Nateff, my fafe hurths..."
"Aw Franco I know. The doctor did a shit job on that bottom suture."
"Whatf wit him anyways?"
"You remember that one time Dallas and I brought home a dude from the bar..."
His eyes brightened and he slapped a hand over his mouth to stop from laughing and subesquently spitting all over the place. He managed to shout out behind his hand. "Noodful dick?!"
"Yes Noodle Dick. The one and only ill-fated threesome friend."
Franco alternated between giggling & frowning. His top lip had been stiched from the bottom tip straight up to his nose and it's amazing how cogniscent one is of your lip when it's been split up the middle.
We were walking up from the hospital over to Bob's place and had already started drinking on the way over. I plugged away at some rye and Franco was on a misson to get through his gin before we walked in.
"Auk! Fahk! Fahking hurts man."
"the gin at least should irradicate any infection."
"Hrmm... I can'tf believe it. Look at our fuckthing shirts!"
I pulled open my blazer and looked down at sickly chocolate brown stains on my new purple oxford shirt.
"Ah damn it. Hey, nothing on the blazer though."
The shirt I could deal with... The blazer I had bought at the Goodwill and had spent hours tailoring it and putting on the skull and roses patch on the front. Dad said I looked like a faggot going to a funeral and I thought it would be an amazing band name. Again I pulled back on the rye. Franco grabbed my hand to turn the bottle over.
"yeah it's Rhodesian Rye..." I jiggled the bottle a little. "Tradsies?"
Franco nodded a thanks since speaking was devolving into a disgusting lisp. I poured the gin over my knuckles and hissed. "Ahh... Ahh... ah this is better than whatever Dr. Limp washed me down with." To me you do painful things like this to remind you that the dull pain could be much worse. My nose was plugged tight with congeled blood at the back and dried flecks at the front. I'd blow it out but I felt faint the last time I tried to touch my nose.
We traded bottles back and kept walking. The city was rolling into late evening. Far from the bars downtown we instead headed towards the South Ward and pulled the bottles down every time a car drove past. All I needed was some cop to round us up again after we had dodged getting arrested once already. They hate letting you go so it's a hop, skip and a lame excuse to get slotted back into a cruiser.
Franco and I carried on in silence and listened only to the residual white noise of the downtown at our backs and the bubbling sound of liquor being channeled into the bottle necks. There was a heavy feeling in the middle of my forehead that made my head throb... even though the booze, even through the perkaset. I was definately coming down from the high you get when you fight. Now all I wanted was to get to Bob's and sit on the couch for a bit. Stiff hands, burning knuckes and my nose felt like it was 20 pounds sitting on the front of my face.
10 minutes. 15 minutes. 30 minutes of no words being spoken. I was feeling lucid now at least but the painkiller and alcohol made me feel weepy and anxious. I missed Dallas and started to get worked up wanting to see him and just go home with him.... His night shift was hours and hours away from being done and that spiked my misery further. I must have sniffed a little and Franco looped his arm through mine to tug me over towards him. He squeezed and I talked myself down from the precarious edge before I flipped out. We waited at a stop sign for a car to pass and someone screamed, "fucking homos!" at us. Normally we would have whipped our bottles at the car but we needed them more as medication than a weapon.
"Assfholes... I hateth thiss town."
I didn't respond. Drink drink drink. Hot flash in the stomach and the physical pain retreated a little further back.
Franco stayed attached to my arm and I tried to ignore him looking up at me. He would get amorous when we had been drinking and gin was all the excuse he needed to feel the urge to make a move. God, don't do it tonight Franc.
A thudding beat from a kick drum was throbbing around the corner. Ah, fantastic, Bob's still playing.
"THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT DAWESTOWN!"
"Fuck! We fucking missed Bob's set."
Franco was looking away pissed off, but I assumed it was more from me ignoring his mooney face for affection rather than missing Bob & company shriek out another Poison the Well cover.
After rounding the corner I could see the usual suspects milling around on the front porch straining to see us in the darkness. I'm assuming we looked frightening since the 7 people looking out gasped as we walked into the fuzzy porch light.
"Franco! Nathan!" Carly vaulted over the railing towards us.
"I heard you two got jumped at the house!"
"Mmhmm.." I smacked my lips as the rest of my rye escaped into my stomach. "we're ok though, just a little banged up."
Franco had slipped his arm out from mine and walked in a daze past everyone. I watched him and made a mental note that he was probably going to be in a funk over the same old story of unrequited friend love.
Carly pulled open my coat and people on the porch oohed. "That beautiful purple shirt! Thank god it's not on the blazer. You, ah... you ah got anything on you?"
"Of course darling. Let's go find your cousin and we'll get down to business."
Carly squeezed me tightly and I appreciated putting some weight on her as we came inside. Everywhere people were staring and already Franco was being mobbed up by Bob and Rick. Clearly no one was sober enough to try and understand what Franco was trying to say and was getting furious.
"Hoy! Guys guys guys, back off. Can we just get down to business?"
I chucked a bag of e on the table and mysteriously they became distracted. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cigarettes, all decoys that had tobacco plugs on the end and were filled with joints. I rattled out 3 pills that were from my personal supply. Carly looked up at me and winked.
"Come on, let's do this Sickboy style."
I dropped it on my tongue and she licked it off to chase it with some beer.
"Everyone off the fucking couch! Let Nathan and Franco sit."
"Thanks Bob."
We fell down on the couch, clearly sitting as far away from each other as possible until Carly came to sit with her head on my shoulder.
Ah, just get me a beer and let me get settled into things... What a fucking night.

----------------

I sat up and woke up all in one foul movement. My head rattled, full of broken glass sounds and a painful throb wrapping tightly behind my eyes. Slitted and now shielded with my hand I tried to let my eyes scan the room.
A clot of slimy blood tore loose from my bent nose and I was forced to hold it in my mouth until i could fish out a tissue to honk it into. It was black black black. Trembling and heaped up in a white tissue... Nothing more than dead blood that had been forming while I passed out. it's a miracle I hadn't choked in my sleep. Quickly clenching my hand I stopped obsessing over the goo and tried to get my bearings. Now my nose felt like a weighted clamp trying to radiate pain across my face. The drugs had finally worn out. I should rightfully take another dose but not on an empty stomach. That's just irresponsible.
I grappled around in the dim of the room... Franc must have pulled the blind when I passed out again... The outline of my phone piled on top of change skimmed over my fingers. The time is: 9:08 AM. How beautiful is that?
"Hello?"
"Hey Dal... It's me."
"Morning! Were you out all night?"
"Oh. Oh yeah busy night. Listen," I stole a glance behind me. Franco was schucking in air in a deep sleep. "Dal, can you come pick me up? I want to go home with you."
"Sure? Are you OK? You never want to come over."
"Just..." I felt nauseus. Dizzy. Almost like I had lost a lot of blood. Like I had broke my nose. Fuck, he's going to flip when he sees me.
"Look Nate, I gotta get into the shower and get the fuck out of here. Where do you want me to get you?"
Steady tone and and brave voice. "Come grab me at the Coffee Hutch on Dale Street."
"Got it... See you soon?"
"Yep..."
"Hey asshole, I can't see you nodding. It's a cell phone."
"Yes Dallas. You shall see me soon."
"Better. Be there in 30 minutes."

----------------

I tried to put some water in my mouth. The pleasant numb throb I had coasted on all night had ecked backwards into terrible pain. The perkasets had been rationed out already in my mind to prevent myself from trying to dose myself recreationally and wind up stranded in two days with cramped bowels and nothing leftover. It hurt to inhale, to tip forward or backwards... to do anything really. my thoughts spiked downwards and I gripped my legs sitting on the stoop outside of the coffee shop. The shaking was rattling my resolve and I couldn't sit still thinking about Dallas and what he'd do when he saw me.
I had swore to him that I wasn't getting deeply involved in dealing again... That I was just hanging out with Franco instead of lapsing back into shady exchanges... And swore that he wouldn't have to come get me out of jail... or have to get me to hole up with him to avoid the police. My eyes swelled out some guilty tears - nothing to do with actual sadness so much as the sadness that I would be in trouble. The perpetual liar. The glorious fuck up wrapped up in a stolen hoodie. The shivering indian with eyes glossy and wet.. A nose covered in flat and matted bandages curling at the edges with crusty blood. I ground a curled knuckle to my eyes to push away some tears before someone walked past me and inhaled the scent of blood into my mouth. you know what I mean... the taste wrapped around the seam of your tongue. A thickness that lingered mentally long after it was physically washed out of my mouth with a drink or smoke. This smell and taste haunted me and it never ceased to creep into my mouth with only a mention of a person... or thinking of a time and place.
It was the morning and already people walked in and out. Around and beside me to get in for coffee. I was a moron for suggesting this as a meeting place but I didn't trust myself to be walking around for too long. i had already felt it was an impossible walk from Bob's place the mere 10 minutes to the coffee shack.
Dallas, where the fuck are you?
if I wait out here any longer I'm going to run into someone who knew my dad... or worse still, one of his sisters. In a fit of anger I stood up to call Dallas from the payphone but sat down quickly as i felt the fizzy sensation you get before passing out. I got a matching set of dirty looks from a white couple walking past me and hid my face into sleeves and inhale for the millionth time some gooey and clotted post nasal drip.
Dallas please come get me...
The caged hum of Dallas' truck came up the driveway and I looked up to see his face roll into horror. He barely had the truck in park before he jumped out to grab me and push me into the passenger side. my legs shook as i tried to step up on the runnerboard and Dallas groaned. Gently he got me arraged in sometime that resembled an upright position and bucked me in. I opened my mouth to offer an explination and nothing came out. i was completely dry and had left my water bottle outside on the stoop. Too late, Dallas had hopped back in to start the truck up and backed up in a hurry. The bumps in the roads made me want to wretch and I began to obsess over resisting the urge to be sick over the upholstered material bought through months of overtime.
That and I had to prep myself for the fight that was going to come. I had put aside a tiny morsel of energy for this moment... I hoped he would let me sleep for a bit before tearing into me.
Silence.
Dawestown retreated behind us into small side streets that connected to the backwoods of Ojahai Reserve. We drove through the run down excuses for residential areas and further still onto the gravel road that would take us out to Dallas' moms farm house. I never came out here. I forgot if it was because I couldn't stand Dallas' mother or if it was the shame of seeing a relative.
Dallas had been working on a cigarette and looked forward as he turned easily on the winding driveway. The dogs bolted out from 4 different directions in a sneak attack and bayed as they ran along side. Looking down Hank and June were along my side with Johnny and Merle no doubt taking the drivers side. I couldn't help myself but smile... I had thought that surely one of them had bit the dust by now and smirked thinking about how much they had all terrified my father. i lived for the days when he would take me up to Dallas' house and grip the steeringwheel as Merle would put two paws on his window and bellow. Me opening the door and having the pack of beasts jumping up excited and harmless... running with me up to the door... looking at the livingroom window at Dallas' face and the tight ache in my pants thinking about us lolling on the bed all afternoon.
Dallas pulled down the gear shift and turned the engine off. I was running out of metaphors to run through my head for how my face ached... Again I tried to say something by my mouth was so empty and dry. The dogs yipped outside but my hands didn't move to open the door.
Deep inhale and sniff. Dallas looking forward and giving me nothing.
Deep inhald and a small sob. "Nate. My god... your face."
Nothing from my throat. Please, just take me inside to sleep. Please don't let your mother be home....
I raised a hand to touch him but he slipped out the door to come get me. I steadied myself to pull myself down to walk in and collapsed into his arms and struggled to pull myself up. I began to slip into blackness and the cotton smell of Dallas' shirt... The cut scent of a man who's just scrubbed down dirty skin and replaced it with smooth soap-cleaned comfort. I was jolted awake when my nose pressed up against his chest and yelped, scattering the dogs back 10 feet. i couldn't even look him in the face. i put out my hands and he took them to pull around his side. I leaned into his chest with my arms looped around his waist for support. even the dogs knew something was wrong and didn't try to harass me.
one plodding step after another and through the door. no tv on and no mother to stress over. i looked up at the flight of narrow farmhouse stairs to Dallas' bedroom and cringed. i felt him try to wrap around my legs to give me a lift onto his back and I shook my hand... no no... i'll do it. on all fours I crawled up close to the stairs and found that it was remarkably better for me than standing upright. Dallas trailed me and picked me up finally at the top in a fit of impatience and wisked me into his room to set me on the bed.
my mouth fumbled for some sounds as he pulled my hand to get me upright to pull my sweater off. I tried to keep it on but Dallas pulled it up and made the neck opening wide so my nose wouldn't brush up against it. he looked at what the sweater was hiding... a shirt covered in dried swaths of blood that crumbled and broke off in tiny pieces. He started sobbing and began ripping it open instead of undoing the buttons. i went rigid and felt sick feeling him tear off my shirt and felt as though he was going to hurt me badly...
But... no. he just wanted the shirt off. his freshly shaved face pressed up against my naked shoulded... breathing and holding me until he let me down slowly onto the pillow. my eyes rolled back in a wave of dizziness and my hand went out for his face... i could feel wetness but everything went grey to black.
"Nathan... what have you done?"

crafty yo - sept 28 2006

not really. it's just wrappers taped onto an altoids tin. the top is a label from these muscle patches i got from an accupuncturist...

...and the back is part of the label with a japanese gum label... the wrapper is from a pack of gum that's popular in japan... [insert tom waits song here] most of the labels in the pack are in japanes but then it comes with one label that exclaims, "YES! Chewing!"
[edit: jesus! i almost forgot the best part... the patches come with a warning that i cut and taped onto the picture. NOT RECOMENDED FOR THE PREGNANTS. awesome.]

i [heart] jim from 'the office'

.......although i have no issue with tim from the british version of the show.
what the fuck did i do to the font?

this is a close up of my old stash tin... it's all poop-ded up from sitting on my table in the basement and progressively getting slathered in pot and resin. still, it's my favourite one

the back of the 'black black' tin... featuring japanese gum wrappers from a flavour that has caffine in it. i ate a bunch at once and it made me feel funny.

fiction - sept 22 2006

"huh. that's a riddle right there, man."
the room was silently rapt in logical thinking... all probably at varying speeds, but we were thinking about it deeply.
"It" being sleeping arrangements. This was like that fox and chicken and island and whatever bullshit variable riddle.
There was one too many people crashing at the apartment. That was a teensy bit of a mix up on my part based on my numeric dyslexia. at least i'm going to use that as an excuse for over counting the number of available sleeping spaces for people. you know, before inviting them all along to slum on couches instead of booking a hotel in advance? right.
One lesbian and partner. One gay man, a very picture of blase co-ed sleeping, but admittedly was sweating things out on this one based on appearance more than personal comfort. One straight boy sans girlfriend. the girlfriend who's also sister of zee dyke. One straight girl who is friend with the sans girlfriend.
Three couches. One bed. Five stoned people.
"And I'm too fucking crippled from pins in my leg to do any stint on the fucking floor. I put my time in. Enough said." I tried not to sound like an old fuck, but I was going to try and hold out for as long as possible on being the douche sleeping on the floor.
"Betty, you share the bed with Ivan."
"Ew."
Exasperated I threw my hands up and waved around an emmory board. "Oh jesus! Come on it's straight forward. It's your sisters boyfriend and you're scared of penises!"
Betty flicked out her hand to ping a box of cigarettes off of me. We turned and adjusted ourselves. A nice laugh at Betty's expense. Too much time stuck in a stoned lump trying to burn up our brains with a stupid sleeping arrangement. Well, why don't I just offer to share the bed? Because Alice will gut you, ass. At least Ivan was having a good laugh with it.
"I'm sure you're just dying to take one for the team on this one Nate."
"Alice didn't talk to me for a week when I waxed Ivan's eyebrows, so I'm going to decline."
"I think it was more the fact that you didn't have your shirts on..."
"I DIDN'T WANT TO GET WAX ON OUR SHIRTS! I've made this very clear!" Bullshit.
"But, you did a good job with the waxing."
"Thank you, Ivan. Some people appreciate my work." I dragged my middle finger through the gap in my eyebrows and stared hard at Betty. Oh yeah bitch, I'm pointing at your monkey brows. Her girlfriend clamped a hand down over her mouth to stem the beer coming back up.
Anne was sprawled out on the floor looking up at the ceiling.. gagging and laughing while trying to inhale on a dead joint.
"Yo, homeslice. Your joint has expired. Hold it up."
A hand popped up beside me on the couch and i gently flammed on the joint. it went down again and i could see that it was back to life. "This is really going to help us come to a decision, is it?"
No response from Anne. Only smoke signals to indicate life below.
"Well..."
"Don't say it Betty."
Betty leaned forward to look down on Anne. "Why don't yoooooooooooou share the bed, Anne?"
Ivan shook his head. "Nuh uh."
"Nuh UH is right! We know this isn't an option." Anne shook her head and took a drag. I snapped my fingers to get it passed to me and paused filing Ivan's nails. He looked down at them and marveled at what everyone should know: short, groomed nails are always good looking and they look better when someone else does them for you. A few deep drags and I passed it on to Ivan.
I fluttered my eyes to the ceiling to feign whistful memories flooding back. "Oh. It was phenomenal to see it. It was, stunning. Just stunning to see."
Anne sighed. "Yes I'm very sure I remember it, thanks."
Betty was looking off and nodding. "Yeah, I mean, she cleared the length of the couch and still landed on you like a cat. BAM!"
Anne cringed. She had passed out on the same couch as Ivan a few years back and Alice went a little.... nuts. In her defence, she was PRETTY tweaked out from doing a 7 day stretch of 12 hour shifts. That and all the lines of ritalin we had done after she got off work. I was standing across the room where I could clearly see the kids passed out on opposite ends of the couch. we had propped them up there to get them out of the way in the main area of the party and also so I could keep and eye to make sure no one choked on their own barf. Ohhh no, I'm not going through that again. Where was I?. Right. Party. Alice. Flip out. So, Betty and I were chatting about the shitty calibre of music when it was just this arching Alice in the air with only a scream when she was directly on Anne trying to knock her face off.
Hoo boy. Drugs or not, we were dealing with a comfortably reactive person here. With due cause we've all put poor baby Ivan into awkward situations without really meaning to.
"Me on this Couch. Betty on that one... Jo on the other one... Ivan in your bed and Anne in the bathtub?"
"Fuck you Betty. You sleep in the fucking tub."
"Maybe if you CLEANED it once in a while it wouldn't be a problem."
"Ooo, okay mother! I'll go clean it right now. Pass that back!"
"Here, here. Smoke it and calm down."
"Let me sleep on the floor! It's fine!" Ivan waved his hands as though we had never thought of this solution and we needed to listen up.
Did I mention that Ivan had been a mere two months out of knee surgery? Shit, that would have helped things. Well, he wasn't in any shape to try and test out ligament surgery results on a cold, hard floor. I whipped back the cigarette box as Betty piped up to agree with Ivan's decision. Bomp!
Enough! I can't stand this! it's killing my buzz! "FINE! I will sleep on the floor!"
"Phhfft! What about your leg Mr. Ed. You know what we do with horses with lame legs right?"
"I will do the floor tonight... But I will suffocate you in your sleep if you snore for one second."
"Don't smother her!" Betty's girlfriend was the only person in the room who seemed distressed by this threat.
"You stay out of this blondie."
"Oh, I brought my snore strips for my nose don't worry my darling Nate."
"How kind..."
Ivan looked down. "Aw, I'm sorry!"
Anne sat up. "Ivan, shush. You take my bed..."
I waited...
"I'll sleep on the couch and so will Betty and Jo and Nate will sleep on the floor."
Why are you such a schmuck for always agreeing to get shafted? Maybe I just get bored with logical thinking after a while...
"Agreed. Now, can we take a vote on smoking the last of the hash before bed. All in favour?"
"Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..." "Aye..."
"All opposed?"
Silence.
"Done. pass me the blow torch please."

fiction - wedding reception

"well, we're late. i hope you're happy. now we're only going to get another 15 minutes before they close the open bar."
"HEY! You know what?! You're fucking LUCKY that I filled in for this shit-show as a favour so let's not loose sight of the facts."
Deflated I made a direct path to the bar and tried to hustle up some caesars and shots of whiskey. Josie loomed behind me looking ticked off, hardly looking at me as she reached over my shoulder to get the shot glass.
"Whata shit-show... We're here for dinner and then we're OUT."
I was too wound up to try to soothe her and burried my face into the chill of the caesar. slow down, you're old and you'll get heartburn.
i almost lost it. almost. i heaved forward and caught it before it got out. i'm not loosing it before getting more free drinks into me.
"Give me two more whiskeys before the bar closes please."
The bartender slapped them out and I chucked them back before Josie could grab them. I took in a deep breath and straightened up. The general din of a full restaurant was dulled down by panes of glass. I could see everyone in there in fuzzy lines... I could hear the bride trying to yell at her grandmother who was too deaf to make things out over the din of the room.
I pulled open the door and avoided eye contact with anyone. no more than 100 people, but the dining area was packed. every seat looked taken. what the fuck?
"Hey, can I help you find your seat?"
"Uh, yeah. it doesn't look like there's anything left."
"Oh..." The waiter looked embarassed. "You must be around the other side."
"Other... side?" We trotted after him as he strode away from the bride and groom and around a corner obscured with a flowing plant. We took a turn for the obscure so it seemed as there was 3 more tables of people tucked around the bend. I looked over my shoulder and saw that we could spy the main table if you stood up and leaned right to avoid the plant.
"What the hell is this?! Are we at the fucking kids table?"
The island of misfit wedding guests. Oh my god, we're in the remedial section.
The waiter turned heel before we could protest and 4 people turned to look at us. Josie was nipping sharply on her nails in a clicky-clack pattern abd I could tell she was just raging.
Courage. Oh god...
My first instinct was to turn around and leave to get chinese food, eat alone in my boxer shorts and maybe have a little cry with some wine n' perkaset. one step forward. There was two seats left. in what was essentially the furthest corner of the restaurant. The end seat was undoubtedly reserved for me.
Josie strode over to the table and picked up the place cards.
"Oh yeah... we're right here. Fucking lovely."
Our dinner partners seemed to be aware of the lowly stature of our table too. A cutesy butch woman sighed. "Welcome to the leper colony. Did you fuck the bride or groom?"
"Bride."
"Oh... yeah?"
"It was university, I went through a straight-curious phase." I went to sit down. Thank god I took that valium before I left the house today or I would have just lost it by now.
The woman smiled again. I was too well trained by my mother to put on the game face instead of letting it leak that I was upset.
"Hey... I'm Nate, this is Josie."
"I'm Meg and this is Frank."
Frank turned away from an animated conversation with his neighbour to adress us.
"Hi! Hannah said something that you're roomates with Anthony Luk?"
"Yeah he was supposed to come with me but had to cancel at the last min.."
"Oh MY god. I dated his sister for EVER. What's Anthony doing now? What's Sarah doing? Have you met Sarah? She was such a cool chick."
Fantastic. Blabbermouth. Thanks for bailing on this Anthony.
"Sarah's good... she's in school out west and... "
"What?! I never thought she'd go back! Good for her... So... You're Nate?"
"I feel as though there's some looming preconception of who I am..."
"Hannah told me about you after you two, you know, broke things off."
Josie scoffed and thumbed out a text message on her phone.
"That's a really nice way of putting it."
"Oh you're telling me? Hannah has a way of leaving a lot of people in her wake."
Meg raised a glass of water. "To the bride traumatizing men!"
I was feeling the flush of the drinks I chucked back. "To Hannah!"
Even Josie cracked a wee grin and we settled back into distracted silence.
Dinner started to roll out. Oh hot damn! they skipped any speeches speeches and went directly to feeding our faces.
"Red or white?"
I had a mouthful of bread when a skinny little waitress came up to the table. In one hand a huge bottle of red and the other white. Both Australian and terribly expensive.
"It's free wine during dinner!"
"We'll take both thanks."
"Come on you have to let me pour them at least."
Meg flickered a clean $50 in between her fingers. "I have $50 here that says leave the bottle here all night and keep them coming. We all promise not to ask for any stupid shit. Right?"
A collective agreement and she put the bottles down on the table.
"Deal... enjoy!"
We turned to the actual meal. What a delight to drop soft pieces of steak into my mouth and pool mouthfuls of sharp red wine in with it.
Meg turned to me and set down her fork. She leaned on one elbow still gripping her steak knife.
"This wedding is a trip... All the family members are so churchy and oblivious. I've never been called sir so many times in my life."
Her wedding date was chomping on some salad and said, "It's because you didn't wax your moustache."
"Hey, back off history boy. It makes me look dignified." She stroked the invisible moustache and flicked a finger at me. "You know what I'm talking about."
I was feeling a bit better and better. Everyone was so helpful and kept filling up my glass for me as soon as it verged on empty.
Josie was deep in conversation with two girls at the end of the table and was letting her dinner go cold trying to chat them up and enthrall them with her tales of money making on stocks. I stabbed a fork into a few of his baby potatos and stuff them into my mouth. they would be engulfed in the deep pool of wine in my gut soon enough.
Eventually Josie stood up to scooch her chair over to hold court with them and I was left to focus on Meg and Frank who bickered terribly but clearly were dear dear friends. that sort of one-liner action that you can only develop through years of knowing each other.
"So where did you two meet?"
"We go to U of T together... I lost a bet so I had to be Frank's wedding date."
Frank grinned with a mouthful of food. "She said I couldn't eat an entire pull off two composition pieces in two nights. Suckah!"
"Music eh?"
"Yeah yeah... I'm in vocal and Frank's in composition. I swear he's sleeping with the fucking professor to have passed..."
"Please! I'm not some unstoppable fucking machine!"
"DID YOU SLEEP WITH THAT PROFESSOR?"
"Well not until the summer term..."
"Jesus! God how I hate you..."
"Vocal? That's a pretty small program at the school..."
"I know... even more horrifying that they took ME as a student."
"I totally think they let you in thinking you were a gay guy."
"Mmhmm... I think they should really bring back the whole castriati thing."
Josie returned to the spot beside me. "Who's getting their balls cut off now?"
"Meg is."
We had a laugh and I noticed that the girls at the end of the table were snickering along with us.
More wine was set down on the table. Skinny girl was shaking her head. "Hardly any of the tables are drinking... Someone actually sent back their steak to be cooked longer than well done. It's whitetrash in the big city out there."
Shit... I had totally forgotten about the world around the corner. At least for a little bit.
"Seriously though, are you studying a specific area of vocal?"
She swished wine around in her glass. "I'm attempting to be the manliest woman to try and do male opera roles."
"That, my dear, is a fantastic idea. Now if you forgive me, I must make a bathroom run."
Josie was enrapt talking to Frank about how to diversify his investments as I left. I went to forage for the bathroom and tried to maintain composure and not stagger... not too much at least.
I saw Hannah and her husband making the rounds at all of the tables. They were a long way away from ours so I had nothing to fear about missing out on too much. I spied the door to the washroom and felt a small bump up behind me.
"It's just me..." Frank was directly behind me and he hustled me through the doorway. I made brief eye contact with Hannah and laughed out loud when Frank grabbed my hips and hurried me along down the hall. This felt a bit more urgent than boy talk in the bathroom. We chugged into the bathroom and directly into a stall. He casually prodded me to lean against a wall and pulled on my tie a little.
"Hannah said that you'd been gay until you were with her?"
"Correction, always was gay. She just confirmed all doubts and suspicions."
"So... You only date men mostly?"
Oh I know where this is going. A snog won't hurt anyone will it? I pulled him in for a quick kiss, only vaugly aware of heels clicking down the hall to the bathroom.
"Nate? Franics? Are you in here?"
Busted. There was only one stall door closed.
"Uh... yes?" Like a well-timed delivery we said it at the same time. Damn it.
"Are... you... Um, I just wanted to say thank you for the lovely gifts."
Frank was rummaging around below the belt, making it hard to maintain a normal train of thought.
"Oh... GOOD... good I'm glad you liked it." I couldn't even remember what it was. I bought it the day that the invitation arrived in the mail. God I hope it wasn't something backhanded and bitter.
"Ok, well... I'll let you get back... to... it... I guess? Come to the table and meet Jack will you?"
"SURE..." I swatted away a very persistant hand. "I mean, sure thing Hannah."
She turned heel to leave and I charged at Frank to thump him up against the opposite wall.
Oh god knows how long we were in there. People clearly came in and out, but I don't think we were too obvious. Well, other than the two sets of mens dress shoes clearly in the stall. No matter! I was becoming less and less fixated on my first and last female relationship and more on how I was going to keep my pants up for the remainder of the wedding.
"Muhhf... Muh... Ok ok... We should get back before we come out with godamn boners."
"oh my GOD!"
Damn it! Someone had come into the stall beside us. Forgot that part. Frank laughed and pulled me out of the stall to run out before our guest could identify us. Being classy, we had staggered exits out of the door but we still looked guilty as fuck.
We made it back to the table where Meg was chatting away with Josie.
"Odjajhi reserve huh?"
"Woah! No one fucking knows that place."
"Oh sweetie I know it well. I used to work on the youth choir council with..."
"Mr. Robertson?!"
"Ha! The very same."
"Jesus... that's a long time ago. I used to date a boy in highschool who trained with Mr. Robertson's quote/end quote wife."
"Huang! No!"
"Yes, Mrs Huang... Queen of the 4 hour long rehersal.... and the emotional duress of extended teaching lessons. I know it well. I spent many a morning sleeping on the steps of her basement while Dallas had clarinet lessons."
"Quite the lady, I know. How do you think I felt? I would have dinner with Mr. Robertson and her when I was in town for workshops or for performances with Mr. Roberston's chamber choir group."
"Huang! Shit, I haven't heard that in a long time. From a statistical point of view, Dallas would cry every third lesson. This is the fucking guy who survived seeing a parent be murdered, lived through foster homes and pretty much could stand up to anyone... crying, like a lost calf when she told him his staccato was uninspired."
"tut tut, poor soul..."
"you're telling me. How is a 17 year old supposed to get any action when your boyfriend is sobbing over messing up a music piece that he was a teensy bit slow on the third page? Tell me that!" Frank's foot was reaching over to my leg, lightly, but still a bit thrilling.
"Indeed, it would be hard to manage."
Frank stared at me directly but threw a proposition out there. "Meg! you should sing something! Come on, I feel bad that we only got them a $45 gift certificate for the bookstore."
"So you don't feel bad about whoring me out to a restaurant full of people after I get shitfaced and I would sound like hell?"
He nodded in agreement. "What aren't you getting here?"
"What on EARTH would I do for this crowd? Have you noticed that we're on our fifth bottle of cabernet because everyone out in the general population is holding out to see if they'll open up a bottle of zinfindel?!"
It popped out of my mouth before I could stop myself. "Vecchia Zimarra from La Boheme."
Silence. Frank gaped at me. "That's perfect. Begging for money to look after someone who's dying? I LIKE IT! No one will fucking know what you're saying if it's in Italian. Do it Meg!"
"Wouldn't you think that it's a bit gauche to sing about death and misery on someone's wedding day?"
"Yes it would be gauche if anyone in here was at a level above amoebic white trash. Let's do this!"
Hannah was finally making her way over to the banished tables. "Hi everyone! Thanks for coming today. My god you must all be having fun. We can hear you all laughing and carrying on in the back."
I gulped back a mouthful of wine. "We'll be quiet in a minute, I promise. Meg wanted to know if you'd be ok with her singing an opera piece... Our gift to your new love." We all raised a glass and smirked at the pouting groom. Yes buddy, I was the fag that fucked your fiance when you were on a "break".
"I would love for you to sing something... Come out to the front... All of you!"
Meg looked behind her shoulder with a terrified look. I winked and followed her out.
Frank bellowed to get everyone's attention. "Everyone! Please! My friend here wants to present a wedding song!"
It was lovely... It was miserable! The wrong thing to bring out for a wedding filled with hope for the future. A sad and mournful piece about begging for money and selling ones jacket. Perfection. Everyone was enrapt with confusion. Not really an opera crowd I guess.... What a backhanded wedding gift....
----------

fiction sept 20 2006

"I don't know why you're so fucking mopey." Josie pulled on a white and red striped straw and sucked back the remainder of a milkshake.
my stomach quivered from the steady poison of mushrooms and thick shots of Jagermister. dead and still eyes looking back at Josie and being so mad. so utterly mad, but i'm not able to show it.
She took out her cell to make a few calls while i crossed my arms around me and leaned forward. i began to obsess that i would get sick in the diner. spewing up everything and they'd know i was high. they could see the lurching pieces of illegal fungus and they'd know.... yes, they were definately going to find out.
"Yeah... No... The show was a blow out. My date was a no-show and now i have to babysit nate who's traumatized..."
"fuck you."
"What did you say? Anyways, yeah. Total blow out! I got a hotel room and everything. Phhpht."
Correction. We BOTH got a hotel room. You were just adamant that I wasn't going to sleep there tonight and instead you could have it all to yourself AND LEAVE ME ALONE ALL NIGHT IN THIS CITY!
I pounded the table with a fist. Josie shot me a look and motioned her hand downwards for me to simmer. Thankfully my rant hadn't actually escaped my mind
My stomach twinged. I always felt like I was loosing the high in the end of taking mushrooms. like it was dying inside me and just sputtering out of my guts and into raw organic bits of shit. as i curled downwards i let my head lay on the paper placemat. all i could see was the year of the monkey... "Should not speculate with money..."
Why me? Why do I always trap myself in these endless circles of stupidity?
My ex was a dazzling piece of flaming intelligence. he had just finished his doctorate and decided that he should really show his more interesting and less academically-focused attention on people other than me. pretty much he had money and a reputation so i was cut loose as a celebration of his new job. I can't really recall loosing it over a man in recent years but I went ape. Pure highschool style insanity-oh-god-i'll-never-love-again-bullshit. This was my long term investment love and bam, he started dating a business undergrad TA who was juiced into the board of directors via his very liberal mother, the dean of arts. Oh it was repulsive.
His new mother in law came over a few weeks ago with some vegitarian eggplant bake fandango bullshit while i was locked outside waiting for him to come home. i was probably on a bit more valium than I should have bought illegally... and I probably shouldn't have been THAT drunk on a Thursday morning... but I was a walking wreck. she immediately swept around me in whatever caftan hippy garb for office professionals she had on.
"My, what's wrong?"
"Oh lady... lady... You shouldn't be talking to me. I should go." Naturally the booze and tranquilizers make me forget about my low bloodpressure. and maybe they made it worse. I stood up quickly and toppled back into a light faint. It was only a few seconds before I came to looking up at coral lipstick and turquoise eye liner. Is this an angel? do angels look like stevie nicks in a blazer with multiple scarves?
"HONEY! Are you OK?"
"Stop stop! I'm fine! It's my blood pressure. I'm just upset..." I crawled on all fours to try and get away from her trying to do some reki on me no doubt.
"You don't understand.... I'm Nate. I'm just here to get some of my stuff and I have to go."
She paused. Oh shit... now what?
"Look, it's none of my business, but that's pretty cold to date for 3 years and then get dumped for a 21 year old teachers aid."
"21! 21!"
"Robby skipped a few grades and did an accellerated business degree.. ."
Dumped for someone nearly 10 years younger than me. I think I want to go inside, get my stuff and then gut myself on his stupid fucking bed. Not that I'm being dramatic or anything.
"Look sweetie, I know what it's like to get the rush when someone moves on with their career. Do you see a ring here? No sir. Don't just sit around waiting all your life. Now, Robby said you were the photographer? You should come to Gesh View on Friday for my art show. I'd love to have some professional shots from different people."
It felt like getting the lollypop and pat on the head after a rubella shot. There, there. You're a fucking looser, but you can take pictures, can't you? That's a good boy.
I took the invitation and directions she jotted down on the back of a phone bill envelope. Folding it up I wiped my eyes and stood up.
"I'm going to head out. Tell Jason I'll come by and pick up my stuff later."
"I insist you come to the show darling! It's the best way to move on."
Ugh. Shut up hippy lady that's too young to be a real hippy!
Josie had only agreed to come with me as an initial chaperone to the art show when i advised her that the new vapid twat who plays a lesbian on a tv program would be there.
ughghh... It was hipster heaven/hell. I snapped off a bunch of pictures and sighed. what a gig. the only thing that kept me from hanging myself off of the ladder installation piece was knowing a new guy was going to meet me there. we had been chatting in the mornings at the coffee bar for a month and I finally blurted out to him that I was semi working at an art show as a photographer of guests, but I'd like for him to come. he was taken aback but looked pleased that I had finally alerted him to my interest instead of always looking depressed and shy when I declined his offers to go out and get a drink sometime.
I had gone the added distance and showed up dressed nicely instead of the "the insurance sales man's last days before a heroin overdose" look i had been rocking: A whole lot of stubble and a lot of dress shirts and ties from the 50's I had been obsessively buying from a used clothing store down town. I opted for the same clothing but instead treated myself to a new shirt and tie since I couldn't be bothered to wash any other things I had. Hell, I even shaved and got a little hair trim.
There we were... Josie looking around the room for her pseudo lesbian hero and me popping off pictures of some retarded floppy-hair douche who had always hated my work but had the audacity to be quoted as "adoring" my work in a recent Weekend Post Arts review to get his name in print. I was taking glee in fully capturing his second chin when the coffee shop boy came around the corner.
Brown shirt, brown tie, brown saddle shoes. Yes yes yes that's what I'm wearing and coffee shop boy looked equally cute in a kicky tshirt and dress coat combination. Le sigh. I don't believe in rebound dating, but I could really get used to looking at this one.
I saddled up to him with a pleasant smile [i was good and only had a half an e before i came] and told him to hold still for a picture.
Ah. So cute... and then a vaguely familiar guy approached us. Where do I know you from and why are you highjacking my coffee shop boy art show date?
He was funny and drew us in... He was too good to be true and i felt myself folding up into silence and timid insecurity. I held out for 30 minutes and then had to get back to taking pictures... leaving them behind to converse and looking over at them laughing... the ursurping prick getting closer and closer... Serves you right for blowing him off so long. Maybe he can sense your desperation to get on with things and get it on with someone new.
I looked away to spy my one-and-only-for-a-short-while ex by the bar with his boy toy looped around his waist like an attachment. My only hope was they weren't laughing at me... well, it was my hope at first. As I worked the room, taking more and more shitty shots I saw my coffee boy migrate over to my ex with his new friend in tow.
The familiar face was one of Jason's cronies from school who I had only met at a few grad pub functions. His arm was around the coffee shop boys and the jig was up. Jason had sent in his smoothest talking friend to swoop in and lick the ear of any guy who looked somewhat interested in me.
Pretty much after that I was in a terrified buzz of anger and the additional drugs I collected from people at the party. The mushrooms had probably been too much introspection for such a depressing night, but no matter.
maybe it's what I needed? maybe I need to be at home and under the blankets... under the blankets, folded up safely from myself and from everything trying to get me and not locked into mute anger in an all night diner.

mix-o

where we're calling from - doves
n.y. - doves
in the morning - junior boys
death or life we want you - the dears
cause = time - broken social scene
misunderstood - wilco [live in Chicago]
tuff ghost - the unicorns
boy from school - hot chip
like a child - junior boys
fear made the world go 'round - the dears
flagpole sitta - harvey danger [gay i know. i think it's cute]
daylight - coldplay [gay, but there's no available excuses for this one]
chicago - sufjan stevens [so sue me i just saw 'little miss sunshine']
miss misery - elliot smith [yes it's over played but it mixed well in this order]
blue sky - jason collet
night birds - ryan adams
mr. brightside - the killers [accoustic] fuck off and die let me enjoy some pop music!

i always seem to end mix cd's with this underworld song....

sigh your children - ...and you will now them by the trail of dead
east van - memphis
on repeat - lcd soundsystem
i love you - the dandy warhols
poor places - wilco
50 gallon drum - buck65
useless - depeche mode
hands away - interpol
painter in your pocket - destroyer
title and registration - death cab for cutie
inoculate the innocuous - the unicorns
everything must go - the weakerthans [cbc session live edit BOOYA I'M AN INTRAWEB ASSHOLE]
mistake pagent - idlewild
galang - m.i.a.
electioneering - radiohead
luetin - underworld

fiction and a little bit of reality

"what? what will you do?"
"you don't want to know... just don't do it."
Ari was being a prat and the people milling around us at the bar were listening in. His newest facination was to take a pubic hair and put it on a white card. from there he would crank it through a card laminating machine that he had found at a rummage sale. There were over 10000 plastic sleeves and there certainly weren't that many business cards in his wallet that needed laminating. Over-stocked with these items he had recently decided to take it upon himself to find ways to get rid of them.
Creativity had evolved into spectacular gross behaviour and he was amassing a collection of pube cards. To my horror he was handing them out to unexpecting friends and had threatened to give me one.
"I would put that right up there with assault."
"What?! It's in plastic! It's sealed shut!"
"IT'S YOUR FUCKING PUBES YOU DIRTY PRE-VERT MONKEY!"
The waitress approached us and then walked away.
We frantically waved her back and assured her that we would behave while she was there. After the orders were placed we stood in silence. Me fuming and Ari staring at some university kids.
His brother Yosef was making his way through a packed bar crowd with Chana in tow.
Chana gave the death stare to someone who accidentally bumped into her and was still trying to stare the girl down. Yosef was keen to get a few drinks in and move on to smoking some weed but we had to make an effort to look like we gave a shit about someone's birthday.
"Why the hell are we here? It's all a bunch of fuckin' university students."
"Did you see her run into me? Where's the decency in people? She didn't even say sorry!" I was still pouting over the pube card discussion and she picked up on it. "What's the issue? You have a fight with your little boyfriend?"
"Go on, Ari. Tell her."
He pulled out a sample card and held it up to her. She leaned in close straining to make out what it is. Her glassed slid down her nose and she eyeballed the card more. Wait for it. Wait. Wait for it... Her eyes widened and the tell-tale rage shakes fluttered up her body.
Yosef had turned his attention back to us and caught sight of the pube card and rushed to Chana to hold her back. I thrust out my arm to hold her back as her hands arched into pointy nails and writhing fingers attempting to claw Ari's face off as he laughed at her.
"Yossi! Hold your little friend back!" Ari reached into his pocket and faned out 6 cards to waggle in front of Chana's snapping mouth spewing out yiddish disses. I'm sure it would have made your skin crawl if you knew what the hell she was saying.
"I'll rip your smug homo face off! You pig!"
Yosef and I held her back and I wrapped a thick arm around her from behind. She pushed against me like a dog waiting to be set free. I sipped my beer with my free arm and gestured towards Ari. Using my best soothing tone I talked into her ear.
"Our friend here doesn't think that there's anything wrong with his. He doesn't think that there's a reason to flip out."
"Yossi, come on, you thought it was funny..."
"I thought it was funny when it was yours... It's not funny to have amassed a library of my friends god damn pubic hair."
"Look! I got Paul to give me one of his!" He held up one of the newest cards and Yosef looked horrified. Paul was one of his most vibrantly homophobic friends and couldn't imagine him letting Ari fish around in his shorts to pluck out a hair. Even I was agog.
"OK now, your pube game is fucking sick but I'm impressed with this one."
"Thank you Nate. I knew you'd come around on it. See? It's thrilling and fun!"
"Oh my god... did you get permission to get this or did you wait until he was sleeping?!"
Ari quickly put the card into his shirt pocket and took a sip of beer.
"Fuck... you fucking idiot. So help me god, if you took this off of him when he was sleeping I will not protect you when he comes to sever your balls from your body."
"I plead the fifth on this one."
Chana was still wrapped up under my arm but was gradually relaxing. Probably out of joy thinking about telling Paul the whereabouts of a rogue pubic hair.
"You two are clearly overreacting. Seriously, what the hell would you do if I gave you one of these cards when you weren't expecting it? Nothing! It's wrapped in plastic. It's harmless."
As three voices we yelled louder than needed. "IT'S YOUR PUBES!" followed with assorted spatterings of curses and heads shaking in disbelief.
Chana took my beer and swilled back a hearty dose. "You know what I'd do?"
I gave her a motivational hug. I love it when she's in a rage, it's always fraught with creative insults.
"I would wait until you least expect it... Maybe the next day, maybe the next month... But you wouldn't see it coming. I'll wait until you can't see me. I'll wait until you're in a room with a boy you're trying to impress. I'd jam my hand down my pants and fish around in my cunt for a minute. Like, we're talking four fingers, triple-knuckle deep jammed in there. I'd get them in there as far as I could go, yank it out and paint your face with my pussy juice."
Yosef and I hollered with laughter.
"Yessir, I'd paint you up real nice and I'd put two fingers up your nose so just washing your face won't fix it. you'll have to smell it for days on end. And just when you think it's gone you'll realize it's not actually "there", it's in your psyche. It'll never leave your mind. Every day you'll wake up and think, "Someone played finger paints on my face with vaginal fluid and I will never be the same.""
"That's a little harsh! See, just touch the card!!! It's nothing!"
I was mid sip and almost spat out a gradually warming Stella onto Chana's shoulder.
"Holy jesus we're going to get thrown out! You! Cards away. You! Calm down and rein it in!"
"Hey... Hey... Chana... Calm down. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Here, take my card and call me any time."
Oh god that's it... She's going to stab him as he laughs. No matter. Some beer and a resolute promise to get stoned later would help I'm sure.

...and you will know us by this mix cd - september 8 2006

i made a ...and you will know us by the trail of dead sampler cd for my roomates. i'm going to the toronto show with them and decided to make a compact little review of the albums. er, the ones i like anyways.

...and you will know us by this mix cd - september 2006
and you will know them...
mistakes and regrets
blight takes all
clair de lune
flood of red
mark david chapman
aged dolls
sigh your children
another morning stoner
how near how far
heart in the hand of the mat
relative ways
ode to isis
will you smile again for me
the summer of '91
a classic arts showcase
the best
intelligence

fiction - aug 19 2006

"Tomorrow never fucking comes, does it?!"
Ben and I were shaking the shit out of someone who was falling behind on our easy-to-follow payment schedule.
"It's not that hard! Pay us and we stop beating the shit out of you!"
The pleading and then trying to scream for help when we loosen up a little. Like anyone comes to the rescue anymore.
"Shh... shhh... SHUT UP. Shhh... Are we cool? Are we going to yell again?"
Ben had him in a one-hander choke, and I was petting his hair watching his eyes push out from the skin seams of his sockets. it's a facinating thing really.
"Piggy! I need you to shut up and listen. OK?"
He nodded and tears burst out from the sides. Probably more from the lack of oxygen than remorse. Ben was squeezing the shit out of this guys neck, but what's the point in telling him to ease off? What? Like we want to avoid hurting him?
"Phhlll... phhllleee...."
"Ready to talk?"
Wide eyes pooling with tears and filling up with terror. Yes yes I'll talk.
Ben loosened his hand and drew it away slowly... One deep breath in.
"Aagghghhhhh! help meeeee!" Only it came out in a strangled pile of noise. Nothing that actually was auidable beyond a 5 foot radius... But that's besides the point. I'm not mad. I'm disappointed in you, Piggy. Really disappointed.
Ben snapped him up again and charged him into the brick wall.
"Piggy! You motherfucker! Why aren't you doing this the nice way?"
Bang bang thump! Piggy wasn't doing so hot.
"Ben, hold him." I started rifling through Piggy's pockets. Bill clip. Empty. Wallet? $180 dollars? What the hell.. He had no intentions on paying us back at this meeting. Digging around some more. Hello? What's this? A fucking awesome flip head knife! Click. It came open and I admired the beautiful blade. This was the type of jabber you have to take in to get professionally sharpened. Real nice nice like. You could gut a fucking grizzly bear with this...
Piggy was really scared now.
"Were you going to show up and flay us with this shank, Piggy? 'Cause I'm pretty sure you don't go around with this sort of blade every day. Fine. Fine. I'm sick of this."
I fished around for car keys and put a hand on Ben's shoulder. Let's get back to his place and rob him. We're wasting our time."
He collapsed in a weezy little pile of wrinkled suit and coughs.
Ben called Boss Lady and brought her up to speed. He grunted a few times and hung up.
"What's the news?"
"Go back to his place and take as much as we can and then if he doesn't call the police we're all even-steven."
"Even-Steven?"
"That's what mom said."
"Pfft. Hardly worth the trouble. You better have some good shit at the house Piggy!"
His hand was wavering up. No? No? No... No? No, oh lord! he's trying to pull out another knife from his sock. You've got to be kidding me. He was dizzy and couldn't even stand up without leaning on the wall.
"Gabby, my hand's tired... Come on. You always get to be the one who screams and I choke.."
"Alright you big suck."
This knife was definately less intimidatingly cool... but with jagged edges... this thing would rip the shit out of things if they were weilded properly. Sadly Piggy was in no shape to be any threat.
"Drop it OK? You loose. You owed money from being a degenerate gambling fuck and we're calling it in. Your fault. So let's put down Mr. Stabby Stabby and call it a day eh?"
He made a sad wobbly lunge but I caught hold of his hand and yanked the knife out. Please. This is just sad.
"Give Piggy the Drywaller."
"Oh that's been done before."
"Come on! Drywaller!!"
"Wha? The what?"
"I guess you deserve to know what it is before I do this. See, drywalling contractors have a rather dangerous job you know? Everyone just thinks they prop up sheets of wall and that's it. Let me tell you, that actual drywall shit is sharp as all hell and it can really do some damage. Not to mention all the tools you need to cut it down to size. I got the idea watching someone at work and then, ya know, have a little accident. The guy sliced along his hand. Right along the side where your pinkie is, right in the middle. He cut it down to the bone and ka-pwing! it snapps all these muscles. the doctors can sometimes get up in your arm and look for them, but most of the time they're gone for good like some elastic you launch into the air."
"Huh?"
I twisted his arm roughly to flash the side of his hand towards my face. in my free hand i whisked the blade through Piggy's hand with a swift gesture. Sometimes I like to think of the muscles fraying and pulling away from each other. Snap and then all that blood... the hand instantly curls on the one side and it'll probably stay that way for a long time. I dropped the kinfe beside him. He wasn't even making a noise. Rolling on the ground stunned and clutching at blood and the open flap that won't stop until someone puts stitches in.
"Piggy, my advice is to take this $10 and cab it to the hospital. Here buddy, I'll even leave you your Health Card so it's nice and easy."
Ben and I left to go look for the car.
"He drives a Saab."
"Oh gross! You take it I'll take your car up to the house."
"Hey, Gabs, wipe up or you're fucked if a cop pulls you over."
"Gotcha. See you in 10."

mix-o august 8 2006

kc accidental - broken social scene
black milk - massive attack
bad luck -royal city
hotcha girls - ugly cassanova
run - air
blight takes all - ...and you will know us by the trail of dead
wow - snow patrol
what does it feel like? - felix da housecat
me and madonna - black strobe
positive tension - bloc party
we never change - coldplay
enjoy - bjork
too much love - lcd soundsystem
can i please have an order of girl with a side of confused - despistado
sunspots - nine inch nails
morning bell - radiohead
reservations - wilco
i'm still your fag - broken social scene

fiction - august 4 2006

I was leaning against brick and finishing up the dregs of a cigarette. Looking around the parking lot was still. No new cars and no one leaving the restaurant.
Fuck!
I kicked the brick pillar to burn off some fury and searched for another smoke. Good! Fucking good and great! I have two left and I can't even run across the road to get more.
I had been in front of Jiao Zi for what felt like the better part of a day. Or more importantly the majority of the time that I was awake and hungry. Anthony was sitting in his car parked across the street glaring at me. I couldn't take this! I started walking to the street to cross and Anthony honked the horn. Through the traffic he shrieked in a terrifyingly angry voice, "GET BACK THERE AND GET THAT EGG PLANT!"
"FUCK YOU! NO ONE IS GOING TO GET IT FOR US! I NEED SMOKES SO LET'S SWI..." He rolled up the window and ignored me. Prick piece of shit mother fucking gym bunny stuck up miserable whiny bitch pseudo fag goddamnhellass FUCK! I steamed with clenched fists thinking about every nasty thing I could think of...
Ding-da-ding.
The doorchimes... Someone was leaving! I quickly walked over to them but stopped when the husband made eye contact. I had already asked them on their way into the restaurant and the mad had pushed me around a little. Which is understandable... I guess. I put my hands up and backed off as he shook his head and quickly escorted the woman to a car.
Damn it.
Comming around the corner was a mass of voices. Students! Oh glory be...
A pack of university students with knap sacks came around the corner... Glory be to the gods of irony! One of them comes to the porn store. Praise! Glory! Eggplant!!!
He saw me and froze as the group kept walking. Way to give me the upper hand.
"Hey... Hey! Hey guys... Can I ask you a favour?"
The group stopped and eyed me up suspiciously. The guy who rented from the porn store still held back and looked sick with worry that I would tell all his little friends he liked tranny on tranny porn the best.
"Could I give you $20 to get me a take out order of eggplant and chili?"
One girl spoke for the gaggle of boys. "What? Go in and get it yourself! What? You're too high and mighty to sit in a Chinese restaurant?"
That's it. I'm burned out to all hell. I'm hungry beyond all compairisons and Anthony had dragged me here to try and solicit people to buy food. Ping! There's that little noise! The little noise in my head when I'm about to flip out.
I moved forward in an agressive pounce and stood over her. I looked down and widened my eyes.
"Do you not think that if I could WALK ON IN THERE that I would have done that? Do you think that I'm just standing out here because I won't talk to Chinese people?! You know what? I fucking love everyone! I love 'em. LOVE EM SO MUCH THAT I WILL DO STUPID THINGS LIKE THIS!"
The students looked scared. This won't help.
Breathe. "Kids, I'm sorry. I would go in, but they won't serve me."
"What did you do?"
"Nothing... It's just they get it in their mind that you can't handle the food... and it changes."
Still a pack of confused faces.
"Look, unless I get someone who's Asian or East Indian to go in and order this, they'll make it without the chilis and they won't make it as good."
"That's bullshit!"
"You know what's bullshit? You telling me I'm making this up! Do you think I like hanging out in fucking plazas in a the heat on a Sunday asking people to buy me fuckingeggplantandchili?!"
"Come on guys, I have a fierce craving for eggplant now..." She led the pack past me and left me there with a $20 in hand. Denied. Not for long.
"Hey... Hey HEY!"
The group turned around.
"Be kind... Please rewind will you?"
The tranny fanatic froze. I never want to get between a man and his smutty desires, but I'm desparate.
The Tits 'n Dick guy suddenly spoke up. "Come on guys, you know they give the run around to white people... Let's just get it for him OK?"
Another guy spoke up. "Hey fuck man, you have to realize that they don't want people to treat this place like a fucking buffet for seniors."
"I know! I respect that! And this is why my roomate is so hooked on this stuff. It's SO GOOD but it never tastes the same as when the right person orders it. Please, please i'm sorry I was psycho. I just want an order and I'm out of here."
Tranny Boy nodded and walked back to take the $20. With my lips shut I threw my voice softly as he came up to me. "Im so sorry... i'm desparate. free rentals this week?"
"Make that this month."
I yanked the $20 out of his fingers.
"Don't get greedy." I hissed.
"I don't think you want me to walk away right now."
"I don't think you want your little friends to know what we're negotiating about."
"Three weeks and I'll bring it out to you as soon as it's done."
"Deal. Keep the change."
I relaxed and turned away from the group. Fuck, that's shameful. Negotiating over free rentals to feed my roomate."
I slumped down to the sidewalk and waited. I'll faint if I have another cigarette. 10 minutes... 20 minutes. They're not coming back.
Ding-da-ding. I looked up... I half expected them to keep the $20, but out came Tranny Boy with a take out bag. He set it down beside me and stuck out a hand full of change.
"Honey, keep it. I'm an ass for trying to embarass you. That's not me... that's the hunger talking."
"No no... take it... My friends are looking through the window. Just take it."
"Thanks."
"No problem."
"See you tomorrow then? Er, ah... Sorry. That's tacky."
He sighed and walked away. Suddenly Anthony was there in the parking lot waiting for me to get in.
"The bag feels heavy. Fuck! I bet they just chucked rocks covered in red sauce in there!"
We rooted through the bag. TWO orders of eggplant and chili, TWO containers with broccoli and cashews and... and... And one order of ginger duck? This was way more than I had asked for.
"What the hell is all this?"
"Hey... Hey, look. It's your little friend."
The busboy was looking out the window at us. With a small grin. He was the same guy that the waitresses had sent out to my table the last time I dared to eat in. They pushed him towards us with poking fingers and made him try to run around and clear tables and serve my friend Kel. Poor thing was lost and unsure since, you know, he's the motherfucking busboy not a waiter. Kel and I had walked over to the area where the waitresses were congregated and pointed at the busboy to come over. In a touching ceremony I presented him money for the bill and Kel and I each gave him a snappy $20 for being nice enough to try. The waitresses looked gob-smacked and we walked out... I never thought that he'd still be here five years later.
"Wave to the boy, he made sure we got fed today."
We waved and he looked swelled up with a good deed.
"Let's get this shit home to eat. I'm sick of doing your dirty work today."